There’s a lot of context to this story needed but I’ve been seeing my partner for around 6 months now and in the beginning, there was a situation regarding another girl. She doesn’t live in our state but does come often for concerts, and I had suspicions about their relationship although he told me I don’t have to worry about her. They would often be flirty in public on social media and when I finally met her in person, she ignored my existence while only trying to talk to my partner. She didn’t know we were dating at the time, but it was obvious that night as we were kissing and dancing together all night. It was after that behavior, I had brought it up to my partner and he admitted there was some flirtation between them and he was considering her as a potential romantic partner, but had chosen me.
They had briefly talked about going to a festival together in the UK and Amsterdam and staying together (along with his best friend) because she had just broken up with her boyfriend. He asked me how I felt about it, and I confessed that given the history, I really wasn’t comfortable with it since we were pretty fresh and trust needs to be built. He decided to go on the trip anyway with her, his best friend, and one of her friends. It doesn’t help that the trip is also during my birthday.
They’re on the trip together now and she did get back with her ex, but like I told him, I’m so uncomfortable with it. He also told me she told him she had cheated on her boyfriend for close to a year, and I thought that was very suspicious that she told him that. They’re not even really close friends or anything – just met at a concert a few months ago. I do have BPD so I don’t know if that’s what is making me unreasonable/clingy, but I also know I wouldn’t do something that makes my partner feel this hurt and uncomfortable.
For the month leading up to this trip, I’ve tried to be supportive – even giving him money I had leftover from my Europe trip and helping him find activities – but it still really hurts. He hadn’t really been talking to me, which is understandable because he’s literally on vacation, but on my birthday I had reached my limit and kind of accused him of something happening. He told me during the Amsterdam portion he and she were staying in the room, although a door was separating the two beds. I feel so bad. I really want to trust him and I know I’m pushing him away. He told me that it hurts that I’m acting like I don’t trust him at all, but when he had left out details about their relationship before, she’s known to not be loyal to her partner, and I had already told him this would be too much for me and he went ahead and did it anyway, it is kind of hard to. I don’t think they did anything, but am I being unreasonable for acting upset? How should I make it up to him?
TLDR: My partner went on a trip with another girl he was previously interested in (and his best friend and one of her friends) after I had told him it made me uncomfortable, and now he’s upset that I don’t trust him. Am I overreacting?
13 comments
This situation is awful- she’s someone he admitted he saw as a potential romantic partner who obviously is also into him, they are staying in the same room while on vacation that he chose to take with her (someone he barely knows) over your birthday rather than spend it with you.
I don’t think you’re overreacting or being clingy. You’ve expressed your discomfort and communicated your concerns and he still chose to go on the trip with her—and during your birthday? Your feelings matter! And they should matter more to him imo. I understand him wanting to go on the trip but it doesn’t seem like he’s done anything to make you feel comfortable, put you at ease, or build trust.
You need to work on your self esteem, because you’re not overreacting at all. If my boyfriend did what your boyfriend has done, I’d be out of his life before he came home.
He doesn’t prioritize you, that’s not something you should get over. If you let him treat you like this, he will continue to do so at your detriment. I hope you realize you deserve better.
>He told me that it hurts that I’m acting like I don’t trust him at all, but when **he had left out details about their relationship before,** she’s known to not be loyal to her partner, and I had already told him this would be too much for me and he went ahead and did it anyway
So you think you’re overreacting because you don’t trust someone who lies to your face?
You gave him MONEY?!? Girl.
I stopped reading after the second para because that’s all I need to know. Not sure how you can keep justifying to yourself re relationship.
You deserve someone better
Happy belated birthday!!
I understand your fear or overreacting. But OP, I have been in a relationship for 13 years now and I am only starting to see how much my fear of being a ‘bad girlfriend’ as completely pretty much left me out of own life for over a decade. I too have bpd and that has caused me to overthink if my boundaries are okay or correct, but like you I haven’t used it as an excuse to treat him poorly – in fact it’s the opposite. I have bent over backwards trying to make sure that I am fair and understanding but it’s been to a fault because he hasn’t done the same for me. In fact he’s used that understanding against me more times then I can count. He’s used ‘trust’ as a way to make some seem crazy, even though he has cheated on me. I am in a position now where my mind in so tangled up and I feel so trapped. I am only sharing this to say, your relationship is still young – if he is already prioritizing his friend and this random girl over you, it isn’t going to get better. I wish I had seen the writing on the wall 13 years again when he and I were only six months in. I was too insecure and scared to leave him but I do believe my life would be a lot better rn if I had. A relationship takes the consideration of both people to work. He could have compromised, he chose not to. I think it helps to realize how many conscious choices he made to get into a situation that is hurting you this much. And I am not saying he’s a bad guy but maybe he just isn’t the one for you if he isn’t going to put you first. You deserve more and I would hate for a decade from now for you to think you should have left the first time he did this to you, because it probably won’t be the last time he doesn’t take your feelings into account. I don’t want to hurt you, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I think at the end of the day regardless of if anything even happens between them or not he’s hurt the trust between you already. And with BPD you know that it’s a slippery slope once you can’t trust someone. Please put yourself first. ♥️
Yeah hi I’d like to order some self-respect with a side of wake the fuck up
Ok so I am always saying on this sub that people should be able to have friends of the opposite sex and that I’d rather have a partner that has options but chooses not to cheat than keep them locked in and them only not cheat due to lack of opportunities but this is a HELL NO from me! This crosses so many boundaries…
You need to raise you standards and work on your self esteem. Your boyfriend is going on a holiday romantic prospect and you both gave him money and helped him plan it. You’ve now set the tone for the rest of the relationship. The only way to fix it is to block him.
He’s an awful partner. You even helped fund his trip so that he can go cheat on you and then gaslight you about it. He is playing in your face. There is no trust because he never allowed it to grow because he was Sus from the start.
Block him…
If you want to leave aside the “is he acting shady” aspect, look at more objectively from a compatibility standpoint. Part of dating is figuring out if you’re compatible. You’ve been dating six months. I don’t think that’s “we’re partner” levels yet. That’s still the “figuring out if we’re compatible” level. And you’ve just realized that you have incompatible ideas about boundaries, and maybe incompatible emotional and social needs. So maybe you’re just not a good match.