Tldr; I need help setting boundaries with my boyfriend and his twin brother.
My boyfriend (M23) and I (F20) have been dating for about half a year, and one of the things that I appreciated about him was his closeness with his family. He would often talk about how although he is techinically the younger fraternal twin, he feels like his older brother. I thought this was sweet and unlike guys in my past who have had a bad relationship with my family, as I’m very close to mine.
After about a month of dating, me, my boyfriend, and his brother began hanging out as a friend group. At first this made me so happy because I definitely have a hard time making friends and I figured we could continue hanging out together in this way. His brother would often make comments about how he liked me better than my bf’s ex because she wouldn’t let them all hang out together and wouldn’t make as much of an effort to talk to him. At first I saw this as him recognizing me as a better girl for his brother, but now I can’t help but find some deeper meaning in it.
Things started to become abnormal when I had stayed over at my bf’s house for the first time. Normally, he would sleep over in my dorm for a few days and just go home whenever. But obviously, staying in a dorm is uncomfortable and he lives very close to campus.
I was surprised to find out that they share a bed. They are in their 20s. I tried to chalk this up to they have too many people in their house and not enough room. I thought this until my boyfriend suggested one of them switch rooms and his twin said that he preferred to share a room. There is nothing wrong with sharing a room in my mind, but a bed? Willingly? I’m not so sure about that. The first few times I stayed over, I would essentially be replacing (twin)’s spot for the night.
Fast forward to present day, they still sleep in the same bed when I’m not there, and when I do stay over, his twin sleeps on an air mattress IN THE SAME ROOM.
There have been many times where I would suggest going somewhere or doing something with my bf and his response is “well we should wait for (twin) because he would want to do it.”
There are also many times when my bf will invite his brother to things without even asking me. If I suggest we do something, he will say something like “oh (twin) would love that I’ll ask him to come”
Like I said, I enjoyed hanging out as friends, but I don’t think it’s normal for me to be feeling like the third wheel when we all are hanging out. I have tried suggesting his brother get a girlfriend too, so we could go on double dates at least, but his response is always “its too much energy”. There is also no effort on his twin’s part to socialize with people without his brother. When my bf stays with me, his brother stays at home and waits for him, and complains about how he isn’t there. He even makes jokes(?) sometimes about how i’m “stealing (myboyfriend) away from him”. Is it even a joke?
I know this is partially my fault for not saying anything and letting it get this bad, but between all these comments that are made and seeing how close and how much he cares for his brother, I’m scared for his reaction. Not even that he will be mad, I’m most worried that he will tell his brother and it will hurt his feelings. I don’t even know how to start bringing it up to him.
3 comments
It sounds like they are a bit codependent. They’ve been together their whole lives and are really close so they only have known how to exist with the support of one another. It’s probably difficult and a bit scary to transition to having separate lives. What you really need to do is have a conversation with him and how this is affecting your relationship. The two of them will have to eventually learn independence, so it’s probably something that’s worth working through now rather than later.
Okay, yeah, this is weird. Especially the jokes. Like idk, I’m not saying they’re in love or anything, just that their dynamic would make me uncomfortable, too, if I was in your shoes.
I’m assuming your boyfriend, out of the two of them, was the first to have a romantic relationship? So I could see his twin maybe needing a period of adjustment, given that they’re so close, and some time to get used to your boyfriend prioritizing and spending his time with you. But that’s not what’s happening. It’s almost like your boyfriend is hoping that he won’t have to make a “choice”, and is hoping he can somehow have a girlfriend *and* maintain this unusually close relationship with his brother, which is clearly not realistic.
Yes, you should have said something sooner, but I totally get why you didn’t. I mean, when twin is getting ready to blow up the air mattress, you can’t really say, “Actually, can you sleep in the other room, so [boyfriend] and I can have some privacy?” Right? But it’s also not your responsibility to say that and set those sort of boundaries. That’s your boyfriend’s responsibility.
So, unfortunately, unless you’re willing to let things go on as they are, indefinitely, you’re going to have to talk to your boyfriend about this. And, yes, it’s going to be awkward, there’s no way around that. You just need to remember that how your boyfriend and his brother react isn’t your problem. They’re responsible for their feelings and reactions, and that’s not anything you can control.
That being said, you can (and should) approach this conversation with kindness and compassion. So I would probably say something like,
> I think it’s great that you and your brother have such a close relationship, and I know how important that/he is to you, and I’ll always support that, and have no problem with you guys spending time together. And I like your brother a lot, and really enjoy hanging out with him.
> But at the same time, you’re my boyfriend, and the one I’m in a relationship with, and I’d like for us to be able to spend more time together, just the two of us. Because I feel like every time we have plans, or I try to make plans to do something together, your brother is automatically included, and that makes it hard for us to get to really get to know and learn about each other better and build/develop/have our own relationship.
Basically, try to keep the focus on your relationship with your boyfriend, not on his relationship with his brother, and/or how that’s affecting y’all’s relationship, if that makes sense. How he reacts and responds to that should tell you a lot.
But I have to warn you that, if your boyfriend gets defensive or tries to argue about how difficult it will be to distance himself from his brother, or focuses on how his brother will feel, that’s a pretty big signal that your boyfriend will continue to prioritize his relationship with his brother over his relationship with you. And if that happens, you should be prepared to end things, because this will not change, at least not anytime soon.
What in the name of sweet home alabama