We have been in a relationship for about 6 months, and overall, it has been going well; however, she is still very close with a guy who has expressed he is in love with her. I am finding it difficult to accept.
So, about 2 years ago, my GF and her friend from work \[29M\] exited long-term relationships around the same time and became really close. According to my GF, he had never been nice towards her, but they were both lonely and hurting and developed a bond together.
I was not in the picture at this point, but many months later, I got a job at the same company as them and instantly hit it off with her. We became very close, but I never made a move until after I had left the company. I eventually asked her out, and she said yes, and here we are.
Anyway, the guy I previously mentioned did not take well to the news. On our first date, he sent my GF over 100 messages in a row whilst we were together, demanding she return to him immediately. He even started spam-calling me and demanding I tell him if we had sex. It was really creepy. His behaviour was like this for about 3 months. According to my GF and other people from her work, he was constantly harassing her, getting very verbally and physically aggressive, even pushing her up against the wall and demanding she be with him. He made my GF cry daily, and she had to leave work often because it was too much for her to handle. His behaviour was unacceptable, but he eventually apologised to my GF, blamed it on his childhood trauma, and confessed his love for her. My GF forgave him, but I find it difficult to forgive him. I really despise him for how he acted and how uncomfortable he made my girlfriend feel during those months.
According to my GF, he has been acting a lot better in recent months, and they have become friends again, but I am very conflicted. I have expressed to her that I am struggling to accept his apology since this is not the first time he has acted like this. I just worry that treat her the way she deserves to be treated. As of right now, they hang out a lot, with her giving him lifts to work most days. I understand that she has the right to be friends with whoever she chooses, but the thought of him being around her makes me uncomfortable.
I can understand her perspective though. They work together, and she doesn’t want there to be any awkward tension in the air, so for her sake, I have been really trying to accept the situation. However, I guess I just feel frustrated that she is giving a lot of her energy to someone who hasn’t treated her well in the past. If he was acutally a nice guy, I wouldn’t have a problem, but I’ve seen his true colours and he was quite scary. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t insecure about him. He’s older, confrontational, and aggressive. Although I have not specifically said it to my GF, I would feel a lot better if they weren’t so close. Therefore, is it selfish of me to not want them to be friends?
TL;DR: My GF is still friends with a guy who has expressed his love for her and it is causing conflict within me. Is it selfish to want her for myself?
1 comment
There are a couple of issues here.
– “Is it selfish to want her for myself?” I’m not sure that you’ve said what you mean, but if so, that’s a red flag. That’s possessiveness, and if that’s what you mean, then you’re as bad as her friend. Your role isn’t to own your girlfriend, it’s to love and respect who she is.
– If I were her friend, I would not want her to be friends with someone who treated her like that in the past. It wouldn’t matter to me that he’s “changed.” She doesn’t have to be friends with him to be able to work together. (Though I also would not have wanted to work together, I would have reported his behavior to HR, if at all possible.) But it also wouldn’t be up to me, just like it isn’t up to you. You’re allowed to be uncomfortable, and you’re allowed to share your discomfort with her. But in the end, she has to choose. And you can choose whether to stay or to go.