At the start of our relationship, I was a little uncomfortable with the first time we were doing stuff, and this made me not cum, even though I’m very sensitive on my own. Any subsequent act, even though I’m not uncomfortable anymore, I’ve been way too focused on the fact that I haven’t came, and this causes me to not enjoy it fully and not cum as a result. Last night I was close, but then we stopped for a second and the feeling went away and never came back. Even if I try masturbating beside her I can’t cum still because of this. Does anyone have any advice for how to overcome this mental barrier?
Edit: I should add, I stopped jerking off and watching porn for a month and a half and we didn’t try anything in between before last night. The same goes for the first time we tried something, so I really doubt it’s be that. Even when I do stuff on my own, it’s very infrequent, and I’ve made a point to have a loose grip and go slow and it still only takes like three minutes.
37 comments
Bro I think you might be gay
You might be watching a bit too much porn and jerking off too frequently, and it’s led to you becoming somewhat desensitised.
Perhaps lay off the porn for a while and try again
You’re cock blocking yourself. This thinking pattern is giving you anticipatory anxiety which makes it hard/impossible to cum. There’s nothing wrong with your dick…you just have to relax your mind and challenge the thoughts of not being able to cum. Obviously this is much easier to say than to do.
I had this issue. I started to work through it by doing it next to them while they are asleep (letting them know first of course). Once I was used to it in the same bed I started with them awake but not participating. Then to awake with minor participation like a hand in my back or leg. Take slow steps just getting your brain into a good place.
Taking 1/2 a Xanax might work too…
Sex is about the journey. It doesn’t have to end in orgasm to be amazing. Focus on enjoying the rest of the journey.
Start by touching yourself with her around abd cum
-First of all quit porn and masturbation.
– Always remember that when you think too much your friend doesn’t work, so talk to ur partner and continue patiently and keep trying until it works again.
– Almost every problem similar to yours is mental, so dont overreact and dont take pills or nothing like that, You dont need more T to cum.
– Things will be better soon
I didn’t cum the first 10 times I had sex or so. It was only with the 3rd girl, after a long time, that I managed to cum. The next morning we went again and I came in like 2 minutes. Now I can’t make myself last longer than 5 minutes at the most without drugs/alcohol. It’s been over 10 years since that first nut and I just ain’t no marathon man. My point being it was me blocking myself. Try not to think about it. Don’t worry about finishing. Just concentrate on feeling good and more importantly on making your partner feel good.
If your situation will be anything like man, get good at getting her off without your dick and it won’t be an issue. Just gotta power through and get that first one out.
make sure you are communicating with her – not just about not being able to finish, but what you feel are the reasons behind it.
make sure she knows its not specifically her – like she needs to know you basically psyched yourself out and its not cuz you aren’t attracted to her.
as someone whos been in her position multiple times – lack of communication or assuming she knows its not her is a fast road to an even bigger issue. if she feels like shes the problem, it’ll start messing with her interest levels as well. BUT if she knows whats going on in your head then you can team up and work together to work around it.
maybe you guys can start with being more physically affectionate without sex being the goal – cuddle, hold hands, etc….who knows, it may help lower anxiety levels/distract you enough where you guys are so in the moment you manage to finish without issue 🤷
she also needs to be patient and supportive, and even if you do finish quicker than expected know that its totally fine and you can always go again after you have a chance to catch your breath lol
my bf would offer to get me a toy, or alternate oral sex if he finished before me, or was taking longer. sometimes i took him up on the offer, sometimes i just enjoyed the fun we had and the break, knowing we could always pick up where we left off later.
sex can still be fun even without reaching orgasm.
Its definitely mental id say, that what your post seems to hint at clearly. The best way to help yourself is to convince yourself you dont need to cum. Take that pressure off, just think about your gf’s pleasure, take your mind off that pressure. Eventually youll orgasm.
Maybe youre in bad shape or you beat off too much
it’s stress, 100%
you are not relaxed and thinking too much.
I’m not sure how old you are and which country you are from, but a couple glasses of wine usually help people relax.
If you’re old enough you could try drinking a few beer (only a few) until you’re buzzed enough for your anxiety to lessen. Cannabis can help too but it can cause anxiety for some people. Personally I mix the both in small amounts and it helps a lot with anxiety.
Then when you’ve had experience and are comfortable enough you can stop using them and hopefully be able to finish sober.
How attractive is your girlfriend?
Take these two words and rearrange them to get the answer:
Thinking
Over
Happy to help!
I recommend a mild amount of alcohol to give you a nice “buzz” before sex – just once so that your inhibitions will be barely-existent enough to allow you to actually ejaculate.
Are you secretly into dudes?
Do you have adhd? I have adhd and struggle with this
Lot of weird “advice” here wtf
It seems like it’s the stress, spending too much time thinking about the moment instead of being in it.
Do you guys do a lot of foreplay? If not maybe try that. Building the tension while also playing with eachother can take the focus away from the “destination” and it might make it easier for you to relax as well as cum.
Just keep staying off the porn and focus on your penis and it’s pleasure and you’ll be fine
If I cum, I can’t get a boner for an hour after. Sometimes I just don’t cum and that’s okay, she gets her pleasure so I’m ok with that. I masturbate later.
Become one with the motion and it’ll work itself out. Sounds like you’re just giving yourself performance anxiety. I used to do the same but I learned to clear my focus to solely enjoying the motion and pleasuring my partner. When you do that your pleasure will come (pun intended).
Are you on antidepressants? This sounds like a symptom from that.
Your death grip may be the cause
Are you on SSRIs? I’d assume not because you didn’t mention it. If you are, that’s probably the culprit.
If you honestly have not beaten your meat for a month and a half and still can’t cum from PIV, it’s most likely anxiety/stress. You’re too tense.
Sounds dumb, but maybe go for a run or bike ride. That shit does wonders for relieving anxiety and can leave you relaxed with a clear mind for a long time after, maybe even the rest of the day.
The brain is very powerful. When you consider it… it controls every aspect of our reality. You can literally be so anxious it makes you go limp. It’s happened before to me because partners I have had are concerned about knocking me up (despite me having my tubes tied) soo… even though I am a woman, I have seen this in action.
Maybe 🤔 Swing different direction, help your problem 😉 get it 😉😉☺️🌈🌈
You on an SSRI’s(anti-depression medications)?
You under a lot of stress? Do you ever have a problem getting it up or keeping it up?
I had this same issue when I was taking sertraline(SSRI). And I was under a lot of stress with work and the relationship at the time.
Figure out if there is something you can say or do to focus you mind on the moment. Here are some examples…
1. Talk dirty to each other or moaning. In this case it could be something that generally turns you on or something more general like, ” God, you feel so good” etc. Also, moaning fits in this area, almost like how yoga has a hum sound, moaning is similar as a tool to create focus in a very primitive way in your brain.
2. While having sex, find things on your partner’s body that are hot and look at them or touch them. It will force you to stay in the moment.
I also agree with other posts about not making cummings your goal. See how many times your partner can cum, that might take the pressure off you a bit.
Good luck!
Relax your mind, your dick will follow
One option would be to do sex therapy. If you are trying to figure this out on your own, I recommend “Better Sex Through Mindfulness” by Lori Brotto. Make sure to take it seriously and do the raisin exercise for sure.
Have a drink or two, makes sex better anyway.
Try Misdirection (puts your mind to other things)- count to 10, just admire her beautiful body. Look at her hair, run your hand gently at her neck, feel her skin, tell her she looks great.
Try oxytocin
How often did you look at porn?
I have one to shove right into those holes
Have you thought if there is something you don’t like about the sexual relationship itself with her?… when you have masturbated if you reach orgasm? what do you think? What do you feel… it may be that you lack concentration, look for something that you like a lot and that provokes you
I see a lot of good advice here. Are you physically attracted to your partner? Just seeing if maybe they’re not your ideal type because sexual chemistry plays a big part in sex.
If you’re into porn you could try watching it while having sex to try and keep your focus on the mood.
Try some sex games, you can get them online or make your own.
Role playing, kind of awkward at first but after a few times it’s actually exciting.
Both of you should talk about words or things to say you both find extremely sexy, dirty talk is one of my biggest turn ons turning sex.
Obviously talk to your partner and see what they’re comfortable with trying.