Social anxiety feels like being caught in a self-feeding loop

2 comments

1. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. You are stronger, more capable, and more likeable than you give yourself credit for. Also, there is a myth when it comes to confidence. They say you have to feel confident to be ready. In truth, you gain confidence by doing things before you’re ready, while you’re still scared. I learned this from a book that you might relate to called How to be yourself by Ellen Hendrickson.

   But if you’re like me where you want to socialize while simultaneously being afraid to put yourself out there to do so, it’s not hopeless. It is possible that you might have some social anxiety. One thing I learned while having awful social anxiety is that yes, it has a lot to do with confidence. If you don’t work on yourself and get to know yourself, then you’re always going to be spending all your time when your out, in your head comparing yourself to others or worrying that there is something wrong with you. I mean, how can you be in the moment when you’re so self conscious? How can you listen to a conversation when all your doing is worrying about what you’re going to say next? I’ve been there! I’m still a work in progress. But not long ago, I didn’t like myself at all.. so I did not believe that anyone could like me either. No matter what people told me, whether I was in a literal relationship and the person I was dating was telling me how much they cared for me.. I didn’t believe it. If my friends told me that I wasn’t awkward like I thought I was, I didn’t believe it. I used alcohol as a social crutch for all social situations for years, to the point of losing myself and not know who I was or liking who I was when I stopped drinking. I thought alcohol made me witty, more confident, and more sociable. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I realized it was taking more than it was giving, and that I’d rather be my awkward self and learn how to socialize “raw” then be who I was when I drank. Also, you don’t actually develop any deep relationships when you’re drunk. It just feels like you are. But once you stop you realize they weren’t friends, they were drinking buddies and they disappear. (Not saying this is you or that you even drink, this is just my story.) But another problem that I dealt with was thinking I had to get along with everyone and that’s not reality, your people are out there. If you’re not clicking, then there could be a chance that maybe you guys aren’t compatible. But you’re not going to know who you’re compatible with until you get to know yourself and that takes some one on one time. That takes getting back into what you love, whether it’s a hobby or a job. It takes a lot of you time, not distractions. You have to be sick of your own crap and ready to change. No one is going to do it for you, you’re the only one who can push yourself to be better. Good luck!! You’re not alone. Socializing isn’t easy for everyone even though watching people talking all around you may seem it. I’m there with ya.

2. I also experience the negative feedback loop with loneliness. The way to become less lonely is to build new close relationships but in order to do that you have to go out and socialize with people you don’t know which can leave you feeling even more alone and isolated than just staying at home. You also know staying at home isn’t going to help you build the close connections you require to feel less lonely. It’s a catch 22. Maybe before you go out, think of a few safe topics you can use as conversation starters and have a few talking points to go with them. I don’t mean to make it seem so scripted but everyone prepares before they have to speak to an audience. Why not apply the same for casual conversations? Also, you can never ever go wrong by taking an interest in others. Ask them questions about themselves, actively listen and follow up with additional questions to their responses. Something as simple as can you tell me more will do if you don’t have another specific Q in mind.