Me (26f) and my boyfriend (33m) have been together for over 5 years, living together for most of it. I have insecurity issues definitely in the relationship, he is very attractive and im average at best. He also had previous girlfriends before me and he’s the first person I was ever with.
We have had a few issues in the past, with his frequent usage of porn/cam girls and also some texts to his last girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship, however hes always been faithful. His sex drive is a lot higher than mine but I would think we have a good sex life and I have got over the fact he watches porn(I prefer just not to know/think about it) and its not as frequent as when we first started dating.
However last night we had started talking about a possibility of a threesome (I’m bi, he’s straight) sometime in the future when I feel I might be secure enough for it, and I decided to ask him of any other fantasies he has, to see if we could do anything else sooner. He then told me he’d like a tiny girl, one he could pick up a bit and have fun with.. I was complete blindsided because I was not expecting his response to be another girl, one that could never be me (we are both the same height and near enough to the same weight), I was thinking more of activities with me. I was quite upset and he apologised saying he misunderstood the question, but I just can’t shake it. I know we have been acquainted with plenty of pretty petite girls in past (including his ex) and whenever i did catch him watching porn etc it was always small petite girls and I know this is going to cause me even more insecurity in the future for any more we meet as i know he’d prefer them over me.
tl;dr my boyfriend said he has a fantasy of sex with much more petite girl who he could pick up etc, I am not a petite build. Should this bother me so much?
Is this my issue? Am I overthinking it? Do all men fantasize about other women when in relationships?
7 comments
On the one hand, it is a *you* problem to a certain degree. On the other hand, it is the kind of *you* problem that he should be more aware of and sensitive to after 5 years. In this case you might be overthinking it because it sounds like you were talking about a threesome a d he was just carrying the theme forward?
> Do all men fantasize about other women when in relationships?
Plenty of people fantasize about others during the course of a relationship, not everyone gets “relationship blinders” when they are with someone. I think generally they just kind of shut up about it
Well, you did ask…
It’s normal and healthy to have an active fantasy life. It’s not unusual for that fantasy life to look different from your real life. It only becomes a problem when you get so invested in the fantasy you start to lose appreciation for what you actually have. It sounds like that’s what was happening with these cam girls, but if you’ve dealt with that issue then it’s probably not something to be concerned about now.
If you’re going to ask open-ended questions about things like this, you need to be prepared for the answer to be something you won’t like. But just because he may fantasise about other women, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not happy with you.
This is hard. Not all men fantasize about other women. When I’m with a girl who’s checking off all the boxes of a girl I love, I don’t think about any other girls, flirt with other girls or stare at other girls. Everyone else I meet might as well be my sister and I treat them that way with respect and 0 sexual feelings.
Some men and women are open about who else they find attractive while theyre in a relationship with someone else. That’s up to you how you handle that and if you’re ok with that. But my biggest box to check off with a girl I’m with is their communication. Are they emotionally available to hear me out on my issues and can they communicate their response well enough to where we don’t have to fight about any stupid thing. Can we have adult conversations when one of us have an issue.
I personally would never let the girl I love feel like she’s not the most attractive and important girl in my life. I don’t need to tell her about other girls or any fantasy I have. I make sure to treat everyone in my life how I want to be treated. That being said my current gf has crushes on actors and stuff. We laugh about it and I tease her about it. But I can’t let it make me insecure. I’ve felt down on myself years ago so I started eating better and exercising. You can’t change what your partner likes, but you can change how you feel about yourself. You can build confidence.
The porn topic is difficult too. My gf watches porn. I’m not used to that. I’m over here looking at pictures of my girl instead and I masterbate much less when I’m with someone. But again I can’t let what she likes change how I think or feel about myself.
I don’t know how he tells you about these fantasies and how he words them. But if he’s making you feel bad about yourself there is no problem with telling him that. A good partner isn’t going to make you feel worse about yourself.
You know there is more to someone then their physical appearance. Most guys probably have things that visually turn them on that their partner doesn’t possess. But believe it or not guys aren’t all shallow creatures that just look for physical attributes alone. There is a lot more to loving someone then how they look. You are obviously the complete package for him or he wouldn’t be with you. So don’t be so insecure as I am sure you have seen another guy that you found attractive and it probably didn’t match your boyfriend.
Some of this just sounds like insecurities that you have. I don’t think that is uncommon. It’s also fairly normal to not want to hear about a partner being interested in other people. However people will totally find other people attractive from time to time.
Yeah, people will have fantasies. Do you not have fantasies as well? It might not be a good idea to share them all with an SO. Same goes for who else a partner is attracted to. Asking about such things always seems to be asking for trouble.
Fantasies are just that, and they’re completely normal and harmless.
Insecurity is a mother, it’s important for you to work on that. It never disappears, but we can manage it. What you can’t do is turn that insecurity onto your partner and make it their problem.
Work on yourself, for yourself. Otherwise no relationship you have is going to work out. Best of luck.
I mean, this is really an individual thing.
For me that response would be nothing more than an “interesting” because I don’t have limits on my fantasies and I have plenty of them, none of them ever involving my SO.(they were there before I met her)
My sexual fantasies are a part of me unrelated to the status of my relationship.