This is a bit of a story, so please bear with me,as I believe context is important
I (29M) moved to a foreign country to be with my long time girlfriend (32F), we were both always so eager to get out of our home country we have been dating for 5 years and living together for 4 and it had always been the main topic that we had been talking about ever since we had met, we had looked at immigration options multiple times
One day she received a job offer to move to Ireland, we both agreed this would be the best move for our future. Our relationship was so amazing and we were extremely happy back home, we never kept any secrets and our phones were always open to one another. I can tell you at that point we had only had 2 big arguments in our relationship, communication was open and good.
Because I was the more financially stable one I paid for her immigration to ireland, I’ve always assisted her in bad financial situations, I paid for her car on multiple occasion and during covid I provided for our household while she was unable to work
She moved over in October 22, and we spoke everyday that we were apart, she made a surprise visit for my birthday in January 23 where she was acting very strange and different to her normal self, she sat me down one day and said ” I am having doubts in our relationship” I was totally blindsided by this statement and the first thing I asked her was ” are you seeing someone else?” she said to me she wasn’t and that being alone for the past few months had changed her, needles to say we worked through it and in that week my Job offer was finalised and I had applied for my working permit
Fast forward to April of 23 and I have sold everything I had owned, had a massive party with all my friends and family as I said goodbye to go and start my life abroad with the love of my life.
I gave up everything I had to make this dream, our dream, a reality that we had speaking about ever since the day we met
Before I had arrived she had made a group of friends in the small town she was staying in, one person in particular, we will call him Dave, stood out among the rest, I am not a jealous guy and I have complete trust in my significant other and in fact I was happy she was making friends
Once I arrived she got us a small little apartment in the town next to where she was working, and so our new life had begun.
As the weeks went on she was acting strange, whenever I would pick her phone up, to change a song, she would grab her phone from hands and be very aggressive about it too, I thought it was strange but didn’t invest too much thought into it, she started making comments towards me about being boring ( a person who had taking the biggest leap of their life… yeh boring) and one day whilst I was telling her about my interest, she told me that she “didn’t care about it” – this was the 3rd time we ever had a massive argument, I was in a foreign country with no one I knew and the only person there, didn’t care about the things that made me happy. I was very hurt to say the least and by this point I was growing suspicious that something was up
One day when I got home from work, we sat down and I asked her about her day and she told me that she went for a Hike, but it was only her and Dave, which to me seemed a little strange to go hiking with just another guy, so I questioned it and she got extremely angry and said ” why are you so jealous, me and Dave are best friends, I do not see him in that way” she made me feel like such an asshole for bringing it up and I didn’t question it again
a few weeks later I came home from work and she was sitting on the couch she immediately asked me to join her because she wanted to talk about something, When I sat down she looked at me and started crying she said ” I cheated on you”. My heart sank when I heard those words , “it was after you had arrived, only once, and it happened on a night out”. I tried to get more information from her but she refused to tell me, I immediately accused Dave, she refused to admit it and said it wasn’t him and even if it was she would not tell me, that evening we went to bed and it was horrible I felt like I was laying next to a stranger that I had just met
The next day at work I was completely out of it, I had asked my manager if I could take the rest of the day off and told her what was going on, she told me to take a few days off to clear my head (God bless her)
I arrived home early, to my surprise that my Gf wasn’t home, this put my suspicions through the roof as we always tell each other where we are going so that if something happens we can be aware of where each person was at the time, I couldn’t take it anymore and I opened the laptop that we shared went into her profile and opened up her Messenger app, I found no messages with Dave as they had all been deleted, just a few calls between the two of them, but I noticed that she was texting her friend back home
She had confessed to her friend that she and Dave had been sleeping together before I had arrived in the country and it was ongoing while I was there, and that she had fallen involve with him. I read these texts and my heart just shattered…. I became the lowest form of myself that I had ever been and I just started crying, I truly have never felt pain like that in years… the best way I can describe it is like losing a loved one, I was broken. I called her and told her I knew about the affair, She rushed home to speak to me.
I asked her why… she couldn’t tell me why
I asked her why didn’t she come clean with me me back home before I uprooted my life, she said “I didn’t want to hurt you”
She said she needed some time to think about everything and she left, over the next few days she would come over, as I was having mental break downs, to see if I was doing okay, at this point my life was over, I had given up everything for nothing
Later that week I asked her to come over so we could talk, we sat down and I told her that I was completely willing to compromise regarding the entire situation, I would sleep on the couch while we work through this as I have sacrificed so much to be with her and I love her more than I love life itself I will give her the space that she needs to heal and get clarity, and she was very onboard with this idea… however the only thing I ask of her is that Dave is not apart of her life anymore, numbers are deleted and that person is out of your life
Its me, a person that has given her everything his has, that has been there when she was at her lowest and uplifted her, a person that pushed her to get her qualification, that stood by her in hardship and tragedy and made our dreams come true or him man she has known for a few months who is seizing the opportunity to have a F-buddy (and has a notorious reputation for being one)
And she looked me dead in the eye and said she can’t make that choice…
So we ended it, God knows how this has broken me as a person
Needles to say she has received a lot of negative feedback from not only her friends and family back home but from everyone who knows us, even the local people in the town have ostracised her for what she had done, my landlord even said to me that he would outright refuse to rent our place to her if she were to stay and I had to leave ( but that’s a whole other story of the community I live in)
This happened two months ago and we have spoken since then, she has expressed recently how deeply regretful she is of what she had done and how sorry she is for everything, how we both wish we could have our old lives back and just be happy again like we were…She has said she is mentally in the wrong space and she isn’t seeing anyone and she needs to focus on herself…
We can’t get back together because my friends and family hate her for what she has done…
But I love her, I miss her, she is the only person I know here… that knows me… I have never been so alone in my life, and im afraid
I feel no one has been in this situation before and the advice comes from people who have a support system to help them, I don’t
Do I forgive her…make it work again? take the heat from everyone in my life and seize my happiness with her, this entire future was planned with her in mind, we all make mistakes… should the repercussions be detrimental to our happiness
or do I move on? and if so how? how do you move on when your entire world has been shattered into a million pieces
27 comments
She sounds needy of attention. She was far away, and alone, and so she latched onto the first guy who showed her attention. Thats sad.
I’m sorry for you, but if she hasn’t cast the other guy away, 100% no contact with him, there is zero chance of reconciliation. It doesn’t sound like she is the type to so that.
My heart breaks for you in that she couldn’t just be truthful and transparent with you when you asked her about her “friend”… we’ve lived long enough to know it’s not “just a friend”. Bless your boss for being humble enough to let you off early.
As far as her regretful ness goes, once a cheater always a cheater. Sounds to me she’s sorry she got caught doing it and that the community and the ppl who care about you like you family knows she has cheated/is a cheater. If you hadn’t caught onto or suspected it or questioned it, she would not be remorseful whatsoever. Pick up the pieces and move on, brother. Find someone who shows loyalty and commitment through thick and thin, job abroad or not.
I know it’s hard in this moment while you’re hurting, but you still have time to process all this and live on whenever you’re ready, but it’s for your own well-being that you move on from this particular lady. I almost left everything to move from one part of the USA to another only to find out that she is so piss-poor broke she had to move back into her ex’s basement, that she’s borrowing so-called “friends’” cars even though I’ve offered usage of mine. Says she “can’t risk getting kicked out”, “she needs the kids”, she has not even finalized her divorce, “need to finish this GED”, “she fucked me over so bad”, the abusive so-called “ex-husband” is controlling & nosy, blah blah blah. Nothing I do or did seem/ed good enough for this woman. Imagine if I had actually moved.. I’m still sad bc our birthdays are in October & November, I was planning something great this autumn, but so much for that.
True or not, we still used to always find time to communicate daily no matter what we did, driving, at work, in the apartment, etc. but now she’s flaked out on me, too. Someone who truly values you will find the time and the energy to make things work before it turns sour.
For your sake, find somebody who makes time for you, just my two cents. Hope this helps.
OP, you gave her the opportunity to work through things with you, your only stiulation was for her to cut ties with Dave, and she refused. She took allow the support, all of the love, all of the devotion, all of the commitment you had shown her over years, wadded it up and threw it in the trashcan for a guy she was sleeping with before and after you sacrificed everything to be with her. She fell in love with this guy, and flushed your 5 year relationship down the toilet without a second thought. You say you’ve been in contact with her. Why? So she can take her heel and grind it in your face even harder? Has she said she wants to get back with you, or is this just your wishful thinking? What happened to her and Dave? She cheated on you, lied to you for months, and would still be lying if you hadn’t have found her messages with her friend. Do not consider taking her back, even if she begs you. You can never trust her. She made her bed, let her lie in it. You need to go no contact with her, and return to your home country with friends and family who love and support you. She does not love you, and never did. Otherwise she could have never done what she did to you.
Just leave. It’s not worth it. She’s not worth it. She will simply cheat again when things aren’t perfect.
She is only sorry now the story is out. The pain she was causing you didnt seem to be such a bother before then.
Do not get back with her. She is comfortable lying to you, cheating on you and attacking you for valid concerns knowing you were completely right. Which of those things suggest respect to you? Can you live in a relationship where there is no respect?
It hurts now. It will hurt more if you accept this poor treatment and then it happens again. Better to start the healing now.
Leave man. See this as an opportunity to live your life on your own terms and a blessing in disguise that you didn’t have kids and grow old with a cheater. You’re still young. Move away, leave her forever and find better days ahead.
Jesus, that’s a fucking sad story.
Forgive her if you want to. Make it work again? No. It never worked in the first place. She’s a lying, cheating, bag of garbage.
She could have been honest with you any time between when she first fucked Dave, and when you moved, and given you the chance to not go.
She could have been honest so that if you decided to go anyways you wouldn’t be trying to build a relationship on a foundation of lies.
The future that was planned in your head was all planned with a person that doesn’t exist.
Can you let go of the past? Can you really not hold her cheating over her head for the rest of your lives if you get back together? So it would come out a petty barbs during arguments?
Could you trust her again? If she says she’s going for a hike, will you be picturing her and Dave “hiking”?
Get yourself a good therapist.
Unfortunately for your mental health u need to cut all communication with her get some counseling for yourself. She’s not a good person she should have been honest with you before you left for another country.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
Good luck
Do not take her back. She is a horrible person, if you could even refer to her as that. Chin up playa she ain’t worth the shit on a farmers boot.
Dude. Just move on. She made so many choices to hurt you. Please have some respect for yourself as she has none.
Stay strong, think of your mental health and make friends. Ireland is beautiful.
She flunked the gf/wife test. Time to move on.
Congratulations you found out who she was before you married her, be thankful and move home to be with your family and friends.
You gave up everything to be with her, she couldn’t give up a fuckboy to be with you. If you can’t do better than that you need to try harder. I’m sure with your communities help you can find better!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
This relationship is not salvageable….
Mate I’m so sorry, but I would never forgive her. I’d also be really vindicative and tell her to repay all of the expenses you have helped her with around moving abroad.
Then I would move home unles you really want to keep living and working where you are. because you are isolated and you will see her around, go back to where you have support, have your friends and family rally around you for support (hell it sounds like hers will as well).
I don’t know what she would be able to do to rebuild your trust, hell she wasn’t even will to cut off the affair partner.
good luck .
You said you miss her. You miss who you thought she was – the person she is now essentially murdered the woman you knew and replaced her with the villain she is now.
You will never ever forget her betrayal and if you stay with her it will eat at you every minute of every day. You will never trust her like you did and will question every time she works overtime, every time she’s gone longer then she should. Remember, she repeatedly lied directly to your face and had no problem doing it.
Move on and don’t look back
Just leave
Go and don’t look back
You’re acting like a chump for even considering taking her back. She doesn’t respect you. If you guys do get back together she’ll just cheat on you again.
Have you thought about moving back home where your support system is? Or starting over somewhere new?
I’m so sorry. Letting you move there while she was cheating already is such a cruel thing to do to someone. So many levels below the cheating itself.
It will be incredibly hard at first but I hope you don’t go back and that you’re able to find some comfort in your new community who seems to already have your back.
I was in your place. In Germany. Alone. Not my language. Not my continent. Got cheated on, insulted, left, played with. It was fucking hard man . I don’t know what to tell you. My story was wild, I let my ex humiliate me so much . I ended up isolated, and suicidal in a foreign country with no support system. I don’t even know how I survived. I lost my job, my visa, money. Self love self respect . Everything. I then moved for a month to the UK to be with a close friend, and then back to my country. Man, I’m so sorry.
Don’t forgive her. She is selfish, unreliable, and she doesn’t love you. You sound like you have no self love and self respect buddy, and I say that because I was just like you.
Once you move on from her you will see her as a random lady , and not as the special person you see her as rn. You will realize all the good things you see in her are actually in you. I’d recommend you go to therapy, you join clubs of hobbies and interests of yours. Accept your feelings, they will be strong and will be overwhelming, hit the gym, or join a sport you play with teams, make friends, go to a la gauge tandem, whatever will help you boost your self esteem, because your self esteem is now in shreds and your self worth is on the floor.
Go no contact. And you will see how shitty she is, and she will have it coming for her, we all get our karma when it’s due .
Please realize this is a very traumatic event in your life . You moved abroad, and you experienced betrayal trauma. Be kind to yourself baby.
I was in your place lst year. It was brutal. I survived . You will too
You can forgive her for your own piece of mind and you can also never forget about it and move on in your life without her.
Everyone who I have seen in your position who did this ended up fine and where able to get on with their lives.
They forgave the person who cheated on not so much to give that person comfort, but rather they did so to give themselves that much needed closure. It was done so that the person who was betrayed could draw a line through that part of their life and so that they could begin healing. If the person who was forgiven took solace in it then so much the better, but it was never actually done for that.
But the most important part of this is the cutting contact and never speaking to the their cheating partner again. It is so vitally important that this hard line is drawn on your life together. It makes a boundary between what was and what can never be and it will help immensely in your path to healing.
Without that constant reminder of her betrayal you can begin the task of forgetting your feelings for her. Without that constant reminder of what you had you can begin slowly healing and moving on. With her in your life, even as a bunch of letters in a text messages, it just stops you from doing this.
There are so many things that you know will happen if you stay with her and none of them are good. It just really delays the inevitable and will end up with the same result regardless. You’ll eventually break up as she’ll probably cheat again and all that time and effort and burnt bridges will be for nothing.
She is no longer worth you expending this energy and these other relationships on. You will never trust her again and your will never love her again.
So for you OP, you are best to forgive her and then remove her from your life.
Future you, the one with the happy life and a partner who loves and cherishes you, will thank you for taking that path away from her.
So go home OP. Go home to your life, your family and your friends and leave her to whatever fates await her. She is no longer your concern and you will soon forget her as your life moves on and you find that love again.
Please don’t mind if I’m being rude, but how can people be this idiotic to even think about getting back together after all this shit ?? Bud, you have been used. For years. Just move on. And take solace in the fact that every single person in common knowledge to both of you hates her to the bones forever, and will support you to move on and get your life back on track.
Remember this..
She will repeat it again if you take her back..
She will… If not dave, someone else..
Don’t do that to yourself… Sounds like you are from India or something.. there are a lot of better women than this shitty pathetic excuse of life..
Let it go.. grieve, go to counseling.. Be a better man for yourself…
Fuck, that sucks. If you stay, that’s you telling her “you can get away with cheating”, and so she will. Again and again. You’ll be the safe stable backup. Don’t do that, go find better. Look after yourself dude.
Bin her off. The Irish are amazing people. Some are strict to their roots which is why she’s been ostracised. Stay for a while and you’ll fall in love with the idea of staying.
Take a break and explore. Do not take her back though