My spouse added a monthly expense to our finances without discussing it with me and we’re locked in.
She wants me to control the finances but it’s impossible when she spends without any care or concern for what needs to be paid.
I work full-time and run my own business part time. She’s is a Realtor who in the last 12 months sold one home with a referral fee to the tune of a $5k commission. Less her annual fees it’s pretty much a wash so needless to say it all rest on my shoulders.
To her credit she is joining back on the small business we started in the next few days “waiting on her state license to come in the mail” and will hopefully start contributing more towards the household.
I don’t mind supporting my family, don’t take it as that. What I do mind is the lack of financial accountability my wife takes and when I challenge her on it she returns with “are you my Dad do I need your permission”.
She won’t do counseling, I’ve tried before so what exactly are my options?
We got into a shouting match over the weekend and she mentioned once our youngest (Senior this year) is graduated she’s gone, I’m feeling the same way honestly.
If you stuck with me this long, thanks for the long read, felt good to at least get it off my chest.
.
22 comments
So this has nothing to do with money, right? We all know that. What else is going on? What else do you fight about? Is that about financial independence? What was the bill she added? Do you both get fun money/spending money per month or pay period to do with what you want? Or would she have to ask?
[deleted]
I would budge for both of you have your own spending money. If she wants to add a charge without both of you agreeing to it, it comes out of her money. Just like if you want to add a charge without her agreement, it should come out of her money.
It sounds like you both need marriage therapy. If she does not want to go, I would think about if this the life you really want for yourself.
So you also degrade her current work and income .. what else do you degrade about her ?
You sound like a real charmer .
You need to change the way you talk about this. Your wife does not bring any income into the marriage yet refuses counseling and won’t stick to a budget. You have to decide if you want to be poor for the rest of your life.
I can’t stand it when people throw out the I want a divorce or I’m gone when they don’t get their way.. if she wants you to take control of finances then she shouldn’t be taking loans or whatever she did to add another bill. Sounds as if her wanting you to control finances meant you pay all the bills and she can spend her money way she likes.
I can’t blame you for feeling this way when all the load seems to be on your shoulders but will she get half of everything plus alimony if you split?
I would cut access to the spending and freeze my credit/social whatever needs to be done so no more things can be bought that you may be responsible to pay.
If she wants to increase the debt let her do it in her own name so when ms priss does go the debt goes with her.
“ when you challenge her on it “”!!! Do you not sit down and show her the why she can’t do it ? Or do you sit her down like a child and berate her??
Being “ in charge “ doesn’t mean a dictatorship , it’s still a team …. Isn’t it .?
You are not ‘in charge’ of the finances. You are on the hook for finances. You earn the money and pay the bills, she will take care of the rest.
Can’t believe you have a child who is about to be an adult and you haven’t figured all this out yet …
OP, you have given her plenty of time to contribute. If divorce is inevitable, you need to divorce her when your youngest graduates for the following reasons:
There won’t be any child support to pay or custody arrangements to make.
Alimomy is mostly a myth, you likely will not pay it. You will split assets but be able to keep your future income.
You wife will be forced to find a paying job and pay her own bills.
You are a human atm at this point. You sound bitter, but that is understandable.
But literally why does she need your permission? Because you want to control what she spends?
Get a good lawyer to protect your business.
Being in charge of the finances isn’t the same as paying for everything by yourself. She can contribute to the bank account while still asking you to manage the money.
>do I need your permission
Well, yes, if she expects you to manage the finances.
It sounds like you both have a completely different idea of what this actually looks like in practice. Ask her to explain how she thinks the cash flow works.
So, she can’t spend without your permission/agreement? Can you spend without hers?
You either work as a team and discuss everything or you completly separate finances and she can only touch what she makes.
Cant have it both ways
Don’t wait, if she’s set on leaving and refusing counseling there is no reason to wait on the kids to get through school. You can coparent just fine without your kids having to watch the resentment build.
>are you my Dad do I need your permission?
It’s less about permission than it is communication, right?
In my marriage, my wife and I have a general awareness of what we can spend whenever, and what amount requires a heads up, and what requires a conversation.
Like the last week or so I made a couple purchases on Amazon:
* I spent $12 on some paint brushes for some art projects
* I spent $9 on some Axe hair conditioning cream that I use sparingly, but daily
Did I ask my wife’s permission? Nope.
Now when I bought a $60 subscription to the horror movie streaming service Shudder, I probably didn’t need to run $60 by my wife, but it didn’t hurt for me to give her a heads up because she does our bills. I’m also looking at an acoustic bass that will cost around $600 delivered – and yeah, that’s territory where I need to talk to my wife.
On the flip side, my wife has a little more leeway than me, which I’m fine with. She obviously spends way more money than me on her hair, nails, clothes, etc. but she knows my number for other things. We just communicate, it’s not a biggie, but still – we have that communication. It doesn’t sound like you do, so sometimes lean on simple, and start from there.
Your wife wants to be able to say you are in charge of the bills while she continues to spend and do whatever she wants. It absolves her of responsibility for her actions and choices.
I’m in a similar situation. My wife wants me to be in charge of finance. Then spends it almost all, adds bills and brings us deep into debt. And doesn’t want to do counseling as well. (counseling I went by myself she didn’t want to go)
From my experience, it won’t go away. Consider divorce or deal with it. I’m in the exact situation and have this argument ongoing thus far haven’t found a good solution or advice. Anyone got experience, please let us know.
So its JUST about money but also yall 4 getting divorced when your kid leaves. Why wait?
When he turns 18 be gone
How much of a recurring cost are you talking ?