No, not a movie script. š I [41f] have been seeing a 41M for a few weeks now, after we met through a shared hobby and a mutual friend. He told me as we were making out on the couch after a few dates that he was a virgin, that he had never even kissed a woman before me. He’s lovely, attractive, brilliant, fun, thoughtful, attentive. I have a great time with him, and we have had sex a few times now.
Things are a bit awkward from a physical intimacy perspective, but we talk about it, laugh a bit, work through it. The odd comment that makes me feel self-conscious, and I’m sure some from me as well that don’t sit great with him, but communication is timely, kind and solid as we feel each other out. We may have rushed things to start, but it was what we both wanted, and I think he’s glad he “got that out of the way” so now we can just kind of focus on making each other feel good, with lower pressure.
We aren’t in a formal relationship, he asked me the other day “what are we?”, but it’s still early and I told him I am happy still just getting to know him š I do quite like him, and am excited to see where this will go.
Obviously everyone’s situation and needs are going to be different, but from a sweeping generalization perspective here, is there anything I can do to keep this going smoothly? Possible pit falls? Particular things I should be extra cognizant of? In general, I’m trying to not treat him like some “weirdo” (I don’t see him as such, but am trying to be aware that it is an… Unbalanced scenario, in some ways, not just sex, but often “normal” relationship habits) and just enjoying all the unique, beautiful things we have together.
Edit: folks are asking why he waited so long. I’m not sure on details, but somewhere between being a bit shy, working on the tail end of his PhD in STEM, and having relatively challenging anxiety for a good chunk of his life (apparently under control now), and didn’t seem too terribly distraught by it.
27 comments
> Particular things I should be extra cognizant of?
When it comes to dating people inexperienced the things that immediately come to mind:
– If they feel intimidated by you having had multiple partners in the past, remind them that they are your past and he is your future. You obviously want him, not them.
– If they worry about performance, remind him that sex is more than just orgasms. It’s like dessert after a steak dinner. Both are great, you want both. But you’ll be fine if every so often you only get one and not the other. It also sometimes takes awhile to learn how your partner likes their steak.
– You still have boundaries. Be patient, but don’t excuse shitty behavior on the assumption that they’re just learning.
Yellow flags to watch out for:
– If they start mentioning how they feel like they ‘missed out’ by being a late bloomer.
Red flags to look out for:
– If they ever shame you for having had more experience than them.
Just be understanding if they donāt do something right or how your past relationships have done it. They will be learning and if itās important to them they will try ( i didnāt want to say change)
– they may be used to being on their own so give them some space
– communication is important always for any relationship and he may not know what he did wrong but know if he cares he will try
– you might have to let him know what you like so he can do them for you
There are good people out there that didnāt get the chance but glad you gave him a chance. He may just be a natural at a lot of things and itās fun to learn new thing about each other.
Also finding out each others love language is fun and important. Get it on your screen and go through it together.
Take it slow, chill with the label . What’s the rush. He waited ,30+ years whats the rush. Take it eaaazzzy!
I love this ā¤ļø
I hope things work out for you two!
A word of caution from someone whose been there: he may be in his exploratory phase. You may be well past that phase and looking to settle down.
If you find thatās the case, it can be a big incompatibility and itās better to let each other go than hope he becomes the person you need.
This is beautiful. Good for you being understanding.
M34 virgin here. I tried to be a late bloomer but it was too hard so I gave up. If being a late bloomer is seen as a bad thing then I have no chance, despite OPs story.
I don’t have advice, but I can related to the laughter aspect with sex. Before my gf and I became a couple, I made it clear that I’m looking for a space where there can be laughter when having sex.
I do hope the two of you can keep up with the clear communication/ expectations!
Right. The inexperienced are also going to be highly insecure, and attach like no tomorrow. Set those boundaries now and youāll set him up for success. Iām sure you remember what it was like when you lost your v card (hopefully it was voluntarily with the person you chose). You know, that giddy feeling where you just feel warm and happy and good – thatās where heās at. Heās going to be day dreaming about you.
I can almost guarantee what youāll find is him jumping the gun on different issues, and itās not bc heās crazy – well he prolly is now lol – but itās bc heās thinking a lot now. In fact heās probably only thinking about you.
Iād let him know to letās not rush and to follow your feelings – for the both of you. Set the foundation up right so hopefully, this becomes a long lasting, life changing relationship. Congrats on landing yourself a Steve carrell lol
I think the biggest concern is why hasnāt he had any experience with physical intimacy to date? There are obviously reasons and whatever they are may show up in your relationship in other ways.
The only good thing about that movie, for me, was when I left the theater. I was celibate until 39. No regrets.ššš„
Maybe relationship trauma or issues that weren’t worked on from lack of experience. After the honeymoon phase there are usually challenges for everyone, but if someone hasn’t had some experiences of failure or difficulty in a romantic relationship it might be hard to stay conscious of their behaviour and work though those feelings and emotions.
TL;DR: You’re doing great! Keep on taking it slow.
.
His feelings for you are probably way stronger at the moment than vice versa – and that’s completely normal. Sounds like he wasn’t even in a proper relationship before that’s deserving of that name.
Now he gets his emotional needs fulfilled (which, you know, is really hard bordering on impossible for men not in a relationship), AND sleeping with a woman. His hormones must be high as a kite, and you’re his goddess.
Love makes blind, and it would not be surprising at all if he feels like a teenager just now – that “I love her / we love each other / nothing is impossible” feeling. Keeping that up for too long can only result in a crash back to reality, once all the questions and issues pop up all at once and lead to an insurmountable feeling of rejection.
The way to go is to take it slow, tackle one issue after the other. Learn how to best communicate with each other on the way. Build trust step by step.
He needs you to be his guide in that, since he doesn’t even know where to look for “danger”. And as I said above, at the moment he’s blind as a badger baby.
At the same time, it’s important that you do not become his whole world – if necessary, encourage him to keep up with hobbies and friends you’re not a part of.
From what you write, I believe you two are doing great as it is š Just keep that up, keep it slow. And f*in’ enjoy the honeymoon phase, metaphorically and literally š š
This was my ex boyfriend [41M when we met], he turned out to be a hella abusive weirdo after getting pussy tho, and so he died alone at 46.
I would say one possible pit fall, at least until you decide if this is gonna turn into a formal relationship, is that generally when someone has sex for the first time, they fall pretty hard for that person. Which is understandable, itās their first time being that intimate with someone, but if youāre not sure what youāre looking for with said person, I would say just watch and see if he starts getting a little.. clingy, or hinting that he wants things to go further quicker than you want
Iām very curious, but donāt want to come off as rude, was there a particular reason he waited? Like was it for marriage or something specific he was looking for in a partner?
Do you have any information on why heās still a virgin? That might help tailor the suggestions.
As a 40m in a similar situation as the guy you’re dating, I hope a woman similar to you comes my way. I like reading stories like yours as it gives me hope that there are women out there who aren’t so shallow as to reject a guy based on his inexperience.
Hopefully things continue to go well, itās nice to hear stories about late bloomers like this. I was a bit if a late bloomer myself, mostly because I had other things going on (university, caring for a sick parent, taking COVID very seriously, etc) and havenāt really ever made dating or sex a priority in my life. I do struggle with my self image and anxiety, but itās also just not a big deal to me. Though I would like a partner/relationship in the future.
Came to the comments worried about what I would see, pleased folks so far have been largely understanding/helpful. I’m 37F in a similar position to your guy (anxiety issues).
I am the late bloomer in this scenario. I think the hardest thing is that I feel like the experienced person is like, laughing at my inexperience. I know they’re not but I just feel like I look dumb and well, inexperienced.so anything you can do to boost their confidence and make them feel not awkward is great šš
Iām a slightly younger male but also very inexperienced. I think after the honeymoon phase that your expectations could be intimidating, depending on how well he can read your signalsā¦but I think thatās the challenge with any relationship (just that some people get better at recognize it with experience)
I would be concerned about someone new to sex mistaking sex, physical attraction and passion for love. They are not always the same.
Logically, I know they exist but I canāt imagine what it would be like to date one at 40 in real life.
Good luck and take it slow I guess
Edit: one thing I will say is that although I disagree with calling it a āyellow flagā it would be quite normal to wonder who else is out there at this age. How yāall deal with that is going to be interesting.
I would be wary that he wasnāt lying to you to just bed you but thatās me
Well I do hope you find some helpful people here! š
others have said this but communication is going tk be key here. Be very patient