Background, I’m a single parent to two young kids and have been dating my gf for about 5 months. I mention my kids because while I love being a parent, it can be very draining and overwhelming sometimes which I think can affect my ability to tolerate perceived annoyances.
My gf has very strong golden retriever energy, is usually very happy, optimistic, energetic, goofy, etc. Always sees the good in everything and loves fiercely. I generally, like this about her, but it sometimes goes to an extreme into obnoxious territory and makes me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable although I don’t think she’s really doing anything wrong? I’m struggling with how to discuss with her in a way that lets her know that I still care about her.
One example that I feel like kind of sums up other instances is that early on, maybe when we’d been dating two months, I met up with her and her friends at a bar to go dancing. I invited a friend as well, who would be meeting her for the first time. When I got there she was wearing a sub collar. She and I are not into BDSM and she is not my sub. I felt super embarrassed by it and later when we had a moment alone together I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. She asked me why and said it was supposed to be funny, I told her I couldn’t really verbalize why it made me feel that way other than that it seemed totally out of left field and not something true to how we are – she did apologize and took it off.
Most frequently in our day to day, she will have these moments where her elation just comes bursting out of her. One minute she’ll be working on her computer and the next she’ll jump up out of her chair and start dancing and singing and loudly shouting random phrases/noises. When she’s excited she also frequently makes sexual like moaning noises? That I find sort of weird and annoying. I am pretty introverted and laid back and feel surprised/thrown off guard by these behaviors sometimes. I don’t really even know how to respond other than to say wow you seem really excited what’s up? But am definitely masking my underlying irritation.
She also gets super excited about plans/projects/outings with my kids (she hasn’t met them yet, although I do plan on introducing her to them eventually). They are usually somewhat short sighted ideas that don’t seem to take into account my time, resources, or interest and I feel like I’m always the bad guy having to say hm maybe or straight up no all of the time. I love that she’s interested in doing things with my kids and loves to have fun, but it sometimes feels disconnected from my reality. I’ve voiced this to her and she said she doesn’t want to put me in a position to be the no person, but also hopes I recognize that this is just how she is and that we can find something fun to do together.
A lot of her responses to the times we talk about these things is that she understand where I’m coming from, but “this is just her personality”. I see these sorts of things as behaviors and somewhat separate from her personality, although of course they are informed by it. I want her to be able to be herself and also be able to talk about how I’m feeling.
TLDR; my gf’s extreme excitedness/goofiness sometimes embarrasses me, how can I talk to her about this without hurting her feelings?
4 comments
The purpose of dating is to see if it’s a good fit. People aren’t projects. This is how she is. It’s not a good fit for you.
There’s a great TED talk about “Fail Fast”. It’s geared largely towards software and product development but it applies really well to new relationships too. The basic premise is that throwing time and energy into trying to make something work when it clearly doesn’t is a waste and prevents you from finding a better solution—or in this case, a better relationship.
So I’d suggest you fail fast on this one. You can tell her til you’re blue in the face how her behavior bothers you but it’s her core personality. She’s 35YO and is being her authentic self. Which is great! Just not for you.
I (45F) would stop trying to square peg round hole this. Shaving the “edges” of her to make a fit isn’t fair to her.
The collar thing doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me because when you told her you were uncomfortable, she apologized and took it off. That’s just a disconnect with a healthy resolution.
The other stuff, though, gives me a vibe that this might not be the right person for you. It feels like you’re getting annoyed by the parts of herself that she *likes*, and she would be better off with someone who appreciates her excitement and spontaneity instead of forcing herself to tolerate them and hoping they’ll change. And I’m not judging you for how you feel. It just seems to me like a compatibility issue, especially when you’ve only been dating five months and you’re already getting annoyed this often.
You’re not compatible, so stop trying to force fit it and change the person she is, just chalk this one up to experience and move on.
This behavior your gf exudes seems similar to my friend who has ADHD. Of course, your gf doesn’t necessarily have to have ADHD to find similarities between the two. Perhaps she doesn’t understand social cues sometimes? (Like if something hasn’t been agreed over beforehand as with the sub collar, for example), which you do mention is out of left field.
I would see it as a red flag if she cannot properly discuss these issues with you and later on deflect it as ” being her personality”. Either try to explain this in the most calm way, do not throw accusations or use a tone of shame or embarrassment. I also think that setting boundaries of what you are comfortable with should be a discussion as well. I wish you good luck!