Every time I talk to my dad on the phone and mention something about my boyfriend (M27) he lectures me on how he is using me and I’m making a dumb decision. My boyfriend and I were planning on moving away. He is already out the state and I’ve brought it up months prior to my dad and stepmom.
I don’t think they thought I was serious until recently. I just got off the phone with my dad 5 minutes ago and mentioned how I was planning on moving away at the end of this September. He started lecturing me on how he hasn’t even met my boyfriend yet, we’re going too fast as it hasn’t been a year yet, he’s just using me for citizenship, how most men don’t want to marry a woman right away and how things seem too fishy.
I don’t know, this is my first relationship and he seems to be serious but my dad is starting to make me doubt everything. My boyfriend was scared that I might change my mind and not end up moving.
I told him I was sure on my decision, but with stuff happening in our relationship prior and my dad lecturing me on how he’s not right for me since day one, I may have to double down on my decision and tell my boyfriend I’m not moving out there and may consider breaking up.
It has me conflicted and sad, but maybe my father is right.
TL;DR: Made a decision to move away to live with my boyfriend but my dad is making me question if it’s the right choice.
5 comments
From my experience as a 20 year old in a relationship, I only thought about feelings, nothing about actual compatibility or practicality. Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever lived with your boyfriend? How far away are you moving? Why are you choosing to move “away” with him? Are you sacrificing anything by moving? Are you gaining anything? Are job opportunities different (better/worse) where you’re going? Are you making a commitment that will be hard to get out of if things don’t work out? What’s your backup/exit plan? You don’t have to answer me, but just think about these types of questions as you’re making this decision.
Ohno. I was 20 when I got with my ex, who was 26 at the time. My parents barely knew the guy, and I moved in with him almost immediately.
If I could do it all over, I wouldn’t have done it at all.
My ex was extremely sweet and charming before I lived with him, but once my stuff was moved into his house, he started showing his true colors.
He isolated me more and more from my friends, but always made sure I knew it was for the better.
Nothing I did was ever good enough. He picked at my insecurities and could always make me believe I really was the problem.
Months and months into the relationship, he told me something that still absolutely breaks me.
“The only reason why I kept pushing you to move in with me so quickly was so that you wouldn’t be able to leave.”
I fantasized about killing myself, truly seeing it as the only alternative I had to the miserable life I was living. I never felt like I could rest and each day had me hoping for the next one to be better.
How much money do you make? How much does he make?
If you can’t stay with him in the house, where would you go?
What are your future plans with him?
Do you have a car?
It is uncanny how much your story reminds me of the start of my own. That was only 1.5 years ago and it has taught me a whole lot.
I really do hope you’re smarter than me. The risk really is far bigger than you think.
I also realized… he has already moved out the state, and you’ll join him at the end of September. Do you have a job there? Does he?
Unless you are financially independent, you should absolutely NOT go through with this. No matter how much you think you can trust him, people CAN be very good at fooling others.
If you move in with him without the money to support yourself or get out if needed, he can control you. If you fight, he can throw you out whenever he wants.
My ex taught me that money is power. He forced me to drop my studies and work a part-time retail job. Most of my salary went to food and to the house; I didn’t get my hair cut once.
My life was in his hands. He could make me homeless if I cried too much. I had to keep him happy, even if it made me feel bad. It didn’t matter how I felt. He owned me.
But my situation could be very different from yours.
However, your parents must be terrified to know you’re going to move in with someone who’s sn absolute stranger to them. It is ultimately your choice, but I do now know that moving out at 20… is not something I recommend.
Listen to your dad. He truly only wants the best for you.
Your dad might be wrong about your boyfriend, but he brings up some good things to think about. Even if he isn’t using you, living with someone is at a whole other level. You really don’t know someone until you’ve been with them for a couple years.
What happened between you and your boyfriend prior to this? If it’s giving you doubts, that might be a sign to slow down, especially since it’s your first relationship. When you say “double down” do you mean your bf is pushing you to move? You should only do that if you’re really ready and really really want to. Moving in together shouldn’t be a leap of faith, it should be a net positive for you.
Breaking up feels really hard but if you’re living with him when you do, it’s so much worse. If you do decide to move in with him, make sure you have enough money to bail. Don’t sign a lease with him so one of you can move out if things go wrong.
I really do hope that you find happiness, with or without him. You deserve it!
I think your dad has some valid concerns. You are taking a huge risk by moving to be with this guy.
If you want to reassure your dad, you need to arrange for your dad to meet your bf.