My husband and I have been in marriage counseling for a few months. There are many issues we are working through, and frankly, I don’t have high hopes for this relationship. However, I am willing to give it my best effort.
Part of the therapy included me realizing that I have too high of expectations of my husband (i.e. I expect him to be “perfect”). I acknowledge this and am working on changing my expectations. However, when are my expectations realistic vs when is he just being a dick?
For example just in the past couple of weeks:
– I told him that I had an appointment at a certain time a few hours before I was supposed to leave. When it came time for me to leave, he suddenly had to run an errand for himself. He was gone 30 minutes and I was late to my appointment
– he snores terribly and wakes me up constantly. When I wake him, he starts yelling about how *I* woke *him* up. When I brought this up to him he accused me of being too light of a sleeper, told me I shouldn’t wake him up, and that I needed to go to bed before him to I could get into a deeper sleep first
– had a poor attitude at a children’s birthday party we were at and basically forced us to leave early
– during a conversation about our house claimed it was HIS house and muttered under his breath (loud enough for me to hear) about how I didn’t contribute enough to the down payment (he made about double my salary at the time and we have shared finances)
– during an argument, told me “you suck” in front of the children
– as I was trying to write thank you notes for our children’s birthday gifts and watch our toddlers, he told me I was taking too long
– said i made “simple” meals one night when I made homemade chicken ceasar salad and bruschetta for us, fish sticks and peas for the children WHILE simultaneously watching our 3 children (who are all under 5 years old)
– said I took too long at the dentist and asked if my appointment was a good “break”
– a big problem in our marriage has been his excessive drinking. When I very carefully and neutrally asked him if he had any drinks on the way home (when I suspected he had) he flew off the handle and said “I’ll show you a fucking bender.”
No one is perfect, I know. I’m sure he has his own stories about me. There is a lot of good things he does too. But do you think these things are BEYOND the level of me being too picky?
7 comments
Reading through this list, I have to ask what exactly are the two of you learning in marriage counseling? If it’s really communication skills, like almost every marriage counselor will make sure is solid before working on any of the other issues, then it doesn’t sound like he’s taking it to heart. If that’s the case, bring this list up in the next session.
If the counselor has gone over 4 sessions and communication training (usually a book) hasn’t been introduced, find a new therapist.
**The list you provided above is by no means you looking for perfection or being too picky.** I do want to point out that your last bullet is possibly the entire reason for every other bullet you listed. That is not to justify his actions but to possibly explain.
Since you have children with him, it might be a good idea for you to begin attending Al-Anon yourself to learn how to best help you and your kids through dealing with an alcoholic husband and father.
While you’re traversing this minefield of a rocky marriage with bad habits on both sides, as well as alcoholism on his, remember the positives you brought up in closing. Those can sometimes be the only thing to get you through the healing process as a family when so much seems horrible.
I don’t think you’re being picky in the examples you used. All of them have something in common – lack of respect for you, your thoughts, and your feelings. Expecting that your husband see you as a partner, respects you, and is on your side, is not by any means expecting perfection.
And yes, I’m sure that he has his own list of complaints, but whatever those complaints are, they don’t negate the fact that he’s being a petulant ass to you.
Look up John Gottman’s book about the four horsemen of the apocalypse – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. And then ask yourself how many of them are galloping through your marriage on a daily basis.
If anything, with two young kids who are watching you and your husband and learning from you how adults treat each other, you’re under reacting.
No.
These all sound like viable reasons to be upset to me and I’m a husband.
Now, I don’t know what got him to this state as we don’t have his side.
There is no such thing as “just” being a dick. Why would you want to be married to a dick? Especially a dick that you don’t apparently love, as that word doesn’t appear in your post.
A homemade chicken ceaser salad and bruschetta sounds delicious.
“I’ll show you a fucking bender” sounds like something Archie Bunker’s drunken friend would say. Yikes.
Wow you must be a saint. I think he can do better.
Do you think therapy can make him Not an asshole? I don’t think the problem is communication
You are absolutely not picky your husband is inconsiderate and selfish.