Disclosing that I don’t drink

49 comments

1. You have limited space on your dating profile, so what you put down indicates that it’s something important to you. Something you would be okay with discussing further or is otherwise integral to your personality.

   So if you’re in recovery then yeah, that’s probably a big part of life for you is avoiding drinking situations and you might want to mention it. If it’s more of a “I don’t but whatever” situation, then why bother mentioning it?

   It’d be like putting down “I don’t watch baseball. I don’t mind if you enjoy it though.”

2. It depends how you put it. If you put sober, yes I’d assume you’re in recovery. If you put never, I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion. I think bumble and hinge both offer this distinction.

3. I quit drinking because I was drinking too much. I fucking hate the term “recovery”. But it should go on the profile because if all you like to do is hang out at bars and breweries we’re going to get bored of each other real fast. I don’t care what she does as long as we can have a good time.

4. Could you put never or rarely and then talk more about in if it comes up on a date? Sober to me does indicate like recovery / AA. I think I have a larger perspective since I have friends and family that both don’t drink either for recovery or weren’t big drinkers anyway, or they just don’t like alcohol which are all valid reasons. Every dating app is different so some you can just put no or never or rarely.

5. I haven’t got it on the profile but I disclose it before a first date is agreed. When telling them that I don’t drink I also provide them with an out if it makes them uncomfortable.

   I agree with the poster above that discussion over why is much better in person.

6. Would you rather be partnered with someone who also doesn’t drink? Just thinking you would draw the attention of others who don’t drink more than anything so that might be good? You could also quickly explain your reasoning in a prompt? I’m an occasional drinker and I honestly haven’t thought much about the no drinking indication the few times I’ve joined the apps. I am more inclined to be concerned if it’s a full on yes to drinking because that might be a lifestyle mismatch.

7. If people want to jump to conclusions, they are going to.

   You can’t please everyone.

8. Personally I wouldn’t care unless you had an issue with me having a drink every once in a while. I don’t drink much at all but someone who gets huffy because I had wine at dinner once every other month would be a no for me. I do have friends who don’t drink at all and it’s not an issue. I wouldn’t automatically assume recovery unless you specifically stated you were a former alcoholic.

9. I don’t drink; I’ve had it on my profile and also not had it on my profile and I don’t think it makes a difference either way. IMO the type of people to be put off by it are going to be put off by the profile or put off when they find out in real life regardless.

   Edit; just to add I feel like this will be different in different countries and cultures. I’m in the UK where drinking is such a big thing. A few years before I stopped drinking I was seeing someone who didn’t drink and a close friend said she didn’t trust these people who didn’t drink. Also had a old director at work say they found it really odd that I didn’t drink. So for me it’s better to disclose early because apparently its a negative thing 😂 but in other countries in Europe for example they have a healthier drinking culture and think it would be less important to disclose.

10. If you don’t drink, just disclose don’t drink. You can’t control what other people think. Finish.

    I don’t drink too

11. I wouldn’t assume that at all. Usually people going through such things make note of it. There are a wide range of people who don’t drink for a variety of reasons.

12. No id assume perhaps its for health reasons like me. But id certainly expect honesty upfront if they are in recovery. So i wouldnt automatically assume anything until i asked why.

13. I don’t drink and alcohol was never my thing, and even though it’s on every profile I have people still ask me out for drinks, I either say it’s fine and go out with people to bars where I don’t drink, or we’ll do something else.
    Even though I now live in a place where everyone’s essentially a high functioning alcoholic, I don’t think anyone cares that I don’t drink. I match people’s energies when we’re out, and am not judgmental about drugs as a whole. I don’t think the fact I don’t drink was ever a hindrance in my dating life.

14. I think anyone who would assume you were in recovery from a simple “No” or “Never” selected for “do you drink alcohol” in the list of traits that everyone can select quick answers for is someone who doesn’t know many people who don’t drink, which may indicate something to you about your compatibility with them. I prefer dating people who do drink a little because it’s a part of socializing that I enjoy, and I like craft beer, but I have so many friends who don’t drink just because it doesn’t jive with their digestion or they don’t like the taste or whatever that it seems very normal and so it would never strike me as a reference to someone being an alcoholic.

    In other words, I feel that it’s an outlier take to assume it refers to alcoholism/recovery. I don’t know that you need to make too much of these people saying that they jumped to that conclusion.

    I suppose it’s complex. If someone knows only people who are sanctimonious about alcohol or can’t stand it when people drink around them, it may give them a negative impression of you. If you think it’s affecting your chances, then just leave it off and mention it when you’re planning dates or getting to know each other.

15. I think you should include you don’t drink and not be worried about the recovery thing. If someone has questions about the why, I’d let them ask or let it come up in conversation, but certainly don’t make it seem like you drink and then surprise them out of the blue with the fact that you don’t a few dates in.

    I personally don’t date people who don’t drink as I know our lifestyles won’t be compatible. I like bars, sports, eating out, things where drinking are pretty common, and I just know it wouldn’t work out since I drink more than the average person. So it’d be nice to know before I even bothered sending a message.

16. That sounds very peculiar to me. If I came across someone that put “I don’t drink” on their profile, I wouldn’t think anything of it. Everyone has their own reason to not drink and more often it’s because of other reasons than recovery. Recovery would be the last thing on my mind (and even that is something I wouldn’t have an issue with).

17. I disagree with some of the comments. If you don’t drink, then putting it on your profile is good to do. Someone who genuinely wants to get to know you and is interested in you is going to ask why you choose not to drink alcohol. There are plenty of people who are now choosing not to drink alcohol and as such you see a lot of new advertisements for non alcoholic beers/cocktails. I see it the same way as someone putting they don’t smoke weed on their profile

18. I’m 39F and I don’t drink for any reason other than I don’t like the 2-3 day hangovers that come with it! I would have the odd drink if I was at a celebration like a family wedding or something but other than that nothing. I don’t need it to get up and dance and have a good time but I’ve found that most people think it’s “weird” or that I had a problem so I had to stop, or something along those lines and then you automatically get put in the boring bin. I would just leave it off the profile and if someone asks you directly then tell them.

19. Oh…I would have never assumed that, but I suppose that’s because I am in the same boat as you lol 😂 in my country, there’s a big social drinking culture which I never partake in (I’m allergic to alcohol). I’ve had mixed responses where people either have no issue with this, or people who feel uncomfortable that I won’t drink with them. So I put “no” on my hinge profile to weed anybody out who is big on drinking.

20. I am a recovering addict but I’ve never assumed that others who don’t drink are for the same reason as me. It could be sued but there are all sorts of reasons. Seems like a couple people assume that but I’m not sure if everyone does

21. You don’t have to say why, you can just indicate somewhere on your profile that you don’t drink and leave it at that. You can always elaborate further during a date.

22. There are 80 billion people out there and many of them don’t drink for a wide range of reasons. I’ve never assumed that one is in recovery if they mention they don’t drink.

    I’m shocked everyday to find out how single-minded people can be.

23. I’ve come across a few non drinkers, none of them in recovery. I don’t drink either, not in recovery but it’s just not my thing.

24. I’ve never been a drinker and have encountered the same issue. You could state in your profile that you don’t drink but don’t mind if your partner does.

    If drinking is so important to someone then they are probably not a good match anyway

25. I would not assume you were in recovery, but I probably would ask about it sometime before or during the first date. I don’t think it’s a big deal at all or that you’re losing potential matches to this!

26. I didn’t even think about that honestly. Plenty of people select no for drinking, smoking, weed, pills etc so maybe the people telling you this have had experience with this specific scenario where the “I don’t drink” is because the other person was an alcoholic? But personally I wouldn’t think this

27. I quit drinking 11 months ago. In my 20s I partied hard and now in my 30s I found that on depressive episodes I tend to lean hard on drinking but otherwise I rarely drink. I put on my hinge profile No for drinking. If they ask, I tell them I’m sober but that’s it. Imo, it’s not anyone’s business but your own.

28. I would not assume that because I didn’t drink because of my fitness preference

29. I would just assume they don’t drink and tbh most guys I’ve met don’t drink out of preference rather than out of avoiding addiction. On Hinge it’s also in the same place “how often do you do drugs?” Is so I take it to be a question now literally about simply frequency.

    It is something I prefer to know upfront though so I appreciate you noting it; people often don’t mention it until the first date. It’s not a deal breaker but it is a factor in weighing overall compatibility so I’d always rather know.

30. I don’t assume that at all. I just assume you don’t drink which is fine. I do see people who say they’re in recovery and thats fine too. I generally don’t assume things if I can help it. If I want to know specifically id ask if you were in recovery or not. Either way it’s not something that would change if I swipe right on you or not.

31. I had mine set to never/rarely for bumble. I wouldn’t swipe right on anyone if they were social or frequent drinker. Some guys asked me about it others didn’t. I used to feel the need to explain myself but I don’t anymore. I’m not at a stage in my life where I drink. I had my fun when I was in my 20’s (and before that) and it’s just not appealing anymore.
    My current boyfriend liked that I don’t drink as he rarely drinks as well.

32. I can see why that may be their first reaction, as most of the people in my social circle drink socially except for the ones that used to drink way too much. But I have met plenty of other people that just choose not to drink for a variety of other reasons so it wouldn’t be my first assumption.

33. Reading the comments here is quite comical. There’s a trend of negativity/judgement towards people who don’t drink.

    I’ve been sober for almost four years, and I have that field visible on Hinge. If someone is uncomfortable with my sobriety, that’s on them.

    You don’t have to be “in recovery” or have hit rock bottom. I decided to quit because it was unhealthy. If my partner is uncomfortable with that, clearly they need to re-think their relationship with alcohol. Unfortunately, it’s so normalized in society, that when you don’t drink, people tend to make negative assumptions about you.

    Anyway, I feel like your dating profile should paint you in the most accurate light. I personally don’t believe in omitting information. If someone doesn’t like that I’m sober, they can swipe left. We probably wouldn’t be compatible anyway.

34. I think that assumption is a pretty big leap to make, and I’m even more miffed that there are comments here agreeing with it. Like they can’t fathom somebody not drinking unless they’ve had past issues with alcohol… insane to me.

    Put “No” on your profile because that’s the truth. Anybody jumping to conclusions from that isn’t worth your time imo.

35. I don’t drink for gym gains, I always bring it up on the first date as I order soda water, I’ve never seen it as an issue, most women like guys who display some level of self control.

    When I do drink it’s rare occasions.

36. I have always disclosed it in my profile and never had an issue with it ( im like you, i don’t like alcohol)….guys never read bios so you good to go 🤣

37. I’d lean towards putting it. Ive started putting it bc when I put “socially” guys tended to assume that meant on dates…when really it means I dont never drink, but…I rarely drink at all these dates, it’s more likely I wont than will, so I just put no.

    I did have one guy tell me he didnt drink and when we talked about his history, he wasnt upfront w it. I heard via a whisper network fb group that he’d been through withdrawals and had had a problem. It wasnt an issue for me that he’d had a problem, just that he wasnt honest about it.

    Basically, I think it’s OK to select “No.” You can always givd details when they ask.

38. I also don’t drink and am not in recovery. I assume people are like me when I see “No” next to the drink icon on Hinge.

    Usually people who are sober will say that in their prompts because being sober and being amongst other sober people and people trying to become sober becomes a big part of their life.

39. I rarely drink alcohol because I don’t care for how it makes me feel; I don’t care what others do as long as they’re responsible about it. Since I’m not in recovery and not opposed to others drinking, I opt for whatever the equivalent of “occasionally” is on profiles even though I often go years without a drink. Unless someone states they’re in recovery, I assume that folks who don’t drink a lot or at all are in similar situations to mine.

    There so many reasons that someone might opt not to drink that it seems weird to me to automatically assume someone’s in recovery. 🤷🏻‍♀️

40. Im the exact same as you. Used to drink socially, never had a problem, but just kind of fell out of interest.

    I keep it fairly casual, and say/write some variation of– “I’m not really a drinker, but I’m happy to join you out and about!” Especially because I live in a country where its common to go and sit on a terrace for hours and drink in social groups.

    Its realllllly enlightening to see peoples reactions or reactivity to you not drinking, especially in early dating stages. Some people are neutral, some people ask all the deep dive questions, and some people are downright offended.

41. I live in an area with a large religious cult that doesn’t believe in drinking. When their dating profile says they never drink, I assume they are part of the cult unless they’ve said other things in their profile to make me think otherwise. I steer clear of them.

    If someone said they didn’t drink and said they were agnostic, I would probably wonder if they were sober/in recovery and I admittedly would hesitate to swipe right.

    I really don’t drink much and if it came down to it, I’d rather be with someone who never drinks than someone who is always overindulging. But the idea that we’re NEVER going to have an occasional couple drinks together and be just the right amount of tipsy would be a little bit of a bummer to me.

    At the end of the day you saying you never drink might be a positive thing for you – you’ll attract others who never drink. I know you said you don’t mind if others drink, but I can’t imagine that’s preferable. In my experience, people who are drunk are usually annoying af when you’re sober.

42. I never assume someone is in recovery. I’ve actually noticed its more common for men I match with don’t drink. My ex was actually in recovery and 100% sober the entire time we were together so I’ve never minded being with someone sober (not that you asked). If I ask a guy out, I will ask if they want to go for coffee or drinks and that will usually lead to them picking coffee and telling me they don’t drink. So if you don’t want to list it on your profile, you can ask someone out for coffee and then lead into the “I don’t drink bc xyz”

    Edited to change gender since I realized you didn’t specify.

43. Honestly is a lifestyle I am ready to move on from but everything seems to revolve around drinking. I would love to connect with someone who has no interest in it.

44. Wow are these comments shocking in a 30+ dating sub! Although we do get a lot of 20-something lurkers…

    I drink very rarely, and never on early dates. I may have one glass of wine every other month, at home, with a gallon of electrolytes. It’s a health choice. And has been for years now.

    I wish Hinge and other dating apps would support a “Rarely” option for drinking. I currently have “Sometimes” which feels like a gross over exaggeration. But the only other options are “No” (not true) or “Yes” (makes it sound like I’m a social or frequent drinker).

    I considered leaving it blank. But I tend to interpret missing fields as “oh that person is an extreme on one end or the other, and doesn’t want to admit it.” So either sober or a heavy drinker. And again, I’m neither.

    I’d suggest keeping yours at “No” OP. It’s accurate. I’ve never assumed sobriety from a “No” and I’ve only ended up on one date with a sober person.

45. This is not something I would consider in this way. Recently matched with a girl on Tinder she straight forward says she doesn’t smoke or drink. It doesn’t seem to be something about being in recovery. I’d just put “no” and that’s it.

46. If I saw you put in your profile that you don’t drink, I would assume it’s because you are big into health and fitness, which is a good thing.

    I’m personally big into the gym, and most of my gym friends don’t smoke or drink. It’s pretty normal for me.

    I think you should leave it on your profile that you don’t drink. You will be more likely to attract someone else that doesn’t drink alcohol.

    I’ll also add if someone is put off by the fact that you don’t drink alcohol, then I think it’s better that you don’t waste your time with them anyway.

47. No. I also don’t drink so I prefer to date people who don’t drink as well. It’s nice to see that kind of description “I don’t drink alcohol.” Saves me the trouble

48. I am in the same boat. I don’t drink because I’m not interested in bar/drunk culture. I also get migraines and I’m not trying to drink and take a chance in triggering that level of pain. I just say that plainly on my profile, that I am not interested in the bar scene or alcohol as a legitimate hobby. No one has asked me if I was sober or in recovery or anything.

49. Just put it honestly in your profile. I stopped drinking about two years ago, no particular reason. I’ve had it noted on my profile for at least 1.5 years and MOST people don’t notice. Those who do will ask and I just explain. Those who I end up on a date with before they ask are always surprised that I don’t drink because they don’t pay attention or just forget those profile details.

    In my day to day life, people don’t even realize I don’t drink. Most of my closest friends don’t even realize because it’s not a thing. I just turn it down when offered. I do all the things that some other commenter mentioned as his “lifestyle” and why he wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t drink.

    With that said, those people are folks you probably want to stay away from anyway lol. One thing that has been blaringly startling since I stopped drinking is how uncomfortable *some* people get with drinking around someone who doesn’t. It’s completely their own internal issue they haven’t explored, but are projecting onto others. That’s some shit Im not interested in dealing with.