So quick disclaimer, we’re both lesbians. My girlfriend of 6 months has this male best friend who she’s known for like 2 years and they’re close. he’s a straight guy. i don’t actually like him a lot because he got drunk once and told her if she wasn’t gay, he’d totally ask her out. there’s also the fact that he makes a lot of sexual jokes about my girlfriend, but they’re just jokes and my girlfriend doesn’t really mind them. Anyway, he lives in a different city now, alone in an apartment. He asks her to come to his city a lot, he says she can stay at his place. Recently he suggested they go on a trip together, and my girlfriend wants to go too. Just them both, for 3 days. idk how to feel about this. i trust my girlfriend completely. i mean she’s gay, and I’m positive she has no feelings whatsoever for this guy. but the guy obviously does. even though I’m not worried about my girlfriend cheating on me with him or whatever, i still feel uncomfortable with the thought of her staying at his place all alone with him, or going on a trip with him. i don’t wanna seem insecure or controlling so I’ve always encouraged my girlfriend. I still want her to go, but I feel a little uneasy about the whole thing. My question is, do I still bring it up with her even though I know for sure she won’t do anything with him, because I trust her? But I don’t trust him, that’s the problem.
TLDR – idk how I feel about my girlfriend going on a trip with her male bestfriend who likes her, even though I know she doesn’t return those feelings
12 comments
They seem to want to have sex with one another, would that be a problem for you
> I trust her? But I don’t trust him
I know it’s a cliche to say this, but it’s true: the problem isn’t whether you trust him or not; why should you after all, he’s nobody to you. The problem is that deep down, you don’t trust *her* completely, and that’s probably because the way she’s acting, ie not setting firmer boundaries in this situation, is not promoting trust in a monogamous relationship. You should both sit down and have a serious talk about boundaries and compromise. In my opinion, a good compromise would be for her to go on this trip, but make accommodation arrangements that don’t involve staying at this dude’s place.
>i trust my girlfriend completely
>I don’t trust him, that’s the problem.
… you think there’s a danger that he’s going to sexually assault her?
Your concern is for the safety of your gf which is understandable. With the friends previous comments and jokes I would understand your misgivings. I would explain to your partner that you are concerned for her well being and do not have a good feeling about her friend. Your are just seeing the warning signs. Make sure you let her know the decision is hers and you are just looking out for her.
You’re gonna think I’m an arsehole here, but I promise I’m not.
But I’m gonna question the trust thing, to me, it’s clear you don’t *actually* trust her. If you did, this wouldn’t be happening. You’re right not to trust him absolutely.
If you 100% trusted her you wouldn’t have the slightest of doubts
The comments here seem pretty useless. Does your girlfriend know, does he make it obvious that he likes her? I know you mentioned jokes but alot of people turn a blind eye to them. If so, it kind of seems off to keep him around, I certainly wouldn’t want to keep someone who likes me around, even if I was attracted to the opposite gender. It would feel strange to hang with that person knowing they like me. I would sit and have a conversation with your girlfriend. If it worries you, it’s a valid reason for a talk.
Girl, that’s sketchy. I don’t think you should let her go alone with him unless she knows how to protect herself and stay safe. It will be hard for you not to worry but trust your gut if it doesn’t feel right and talk it out!
That sounds really tough. It’s definitely understandable that you’re scared to show insecurity, but is there a way for you guys to talk it out and come up with some clear boundaries so everyone can feel comfortable?
You shouldn’t feel bad about bringing this stuff up, that’s how relationships work. My view is that it seems a bit off that you aren’t going with them. If you aren’t included then I’d be worried. Especially if he joked about liking her. Joke or not sometimes the truth is disguised as a funny joke. But if she’s willing to go then maybe she likes him too.
I guess it depends how much you trust her. Do you truly believe she is %100 lesbian or do you think she might be bi? Because is there’s a chance she’s bi then anything can happen. Plus no offense but 6 months isn’t long enough to trust someone. It’s her job to put him in the friend zone, not you. I wouldn’t make it a big deal just ask nicely and see what she says.
Honestly I don’t blame you but I wouldn’t say because of him. Your gf is aware he has feelings for her or definitely did, what boundaries did she put in place, if she didn’t and he still has feelings for her then she’s kind of leading him on even though she’s gay and he knows it, he could be holding out hope that she may change. She’s doing a disservice to their friendship if she hasn’t done something to help him move to platonic feelings.
When one part of the friendship wants more than friendship, there really isn’t a friendship.
It is about putting the non-romantic person into positions that might allow them to see try as a potential mate or just an opportunity to tempt. There is always going to be ulterior motives. I say this because I am a straight man. It is hard to turn that off in the brain as it is a primal instinct, and really shouldn’t be ignored. I don’t care if the woman in married, straight, gay, whatever, if they find them attractive and wants to be with them, they will try to put themselves in situations to achieve their goal, her. It doesn’t matter about the guilt afterwards, or the apologizes, what is done is done.
I have done stupid things in the past, and I seriously doubt it is just me. I heard and have seen other men do the same.
Honestly, there are a lot of reasons why your partner being alone with someone else can worry you and it doesn’t always have to do with cheating. If the guy has expressed sexual interest in your GF before then it’s possible that he has the idea of “maybe I could turn her” in his head. Not saying I have anyway of knowing that for sure, but it’s definitely concerning. I have a friend and his best friend is a lesbian, before he knew she was a lesbian he asked her out, but he immediately turned to making their relationship into a completely platonic one after finding out she likes girls. No one would ever even wonder if he was trying to sleep with her because he’s not. If you have to question his intentions with her based off his actions, than that’s not a good sign. Your GF probably won’t cheat, but at the very least she is being taken advantage of by a guy who probably doesn’t have honorable intentions for their friendship. You should have a talk with her and express your concern, In The end it’s her choice on how she goes forward with their relationship, but you have every right to voice your concerns!