I keep telling myself my relationship of 4 months is going to end in disaster. My BF is the nicest man I’ve ever dated. Red flags would usually have started surfacing by now in past relationships. He treats me really well and is always happy to see me. He has said he doesnt know and doesn’t want to know how this relationship goes, but he thinks it’s possible we’ll be together forever as I make him very happy and he thinks we’re very similar people…
Thing is, he met me only 4/5 months after he separated from his *wife*. Admittedly, things were falling apart for about 6 months prior to the end, between them wanting different things…but the final nail in the coffin was her cheating a second time. He had enough. This was nearly 9 months ago. They are totally separated, literally countries apart. His friends and family have been very welcoming, despite the fact Im essentially a mistress and he was with his wife for 4 years. I even went to his cousin’s wedding with him last weekend and we’ve gone abroad together for a few days too. We’ve been dating for 4 months. He’s been saying he loves me for 2 months now, and frankly I felt he would say it before he did. He seems crazy about me. I started a new corporate job and can only see him weekends now (I work mornings, he works evenings and is trying to switch to my kinda schedule). He asks to call me on his lunch breaks most days as he loves talking to me and knows I’ll be asleep when he gets home.
However, I can feel my self destructiveness start. He remarked that he sometimes feels like he’s just a phase and I’ll get bored and leave him in a few months while he’s hopeful this will last a long time. I find myself actively searching for signs he’s getting bored of me. Or I tell myself I’ll never live up to his manic pixie ex. It doesn’t help that he still feels sad when he thinks of her from time to time, but again, probably inevitable when someone defines your late teens/20s and then betrays you to that extent. I find myself trying to play cool like I’m 18 again because I don’t want him to know how much I feel for him so early on. Although I wouldn’t want this for several years, I think it’s possible he could be my future husband. How do I stop my insecurities from blowing up the best relationship I’ve had?
TLDR: I feel myself ruining my relationship with my insecurity. How do I stop self sabotaging?
10 comments
You both need therapy. Not reddit.
Tell him how you feel. Be honest. HE feels like you will leave him cause of how he was betrayed before. So just open up to him a little. I mean you know you don’t HAVE to fuck things up, right? You can just COMMUNICATE.
You weren’t “essentially his mistress”, and it’s really weird you view yourself like that. You’re purposely finding drama where this is none because that’s what you’re used to. It’s up to you determine if you prefer that drama or you actually want a healthy relationship. If you want the latter, seek therapy.
Therapy. You have to find your self worth and be secure enough to bring anything meaningful to a relationship. The only thing you can do is work on yourself. Love, starts with love for yourself. You are only capable of loving someone as much as you love yourself.
“Hold on loosely but don’t let go”…Boston… if you can’t trust someone and smother them you will lose them… hope this helps.
>I feel myself ruining my relationship with my insecurity. How do I stop self sabotaging?
Therapy
Relax, stop overthinking and enjoy the ride . Have confidence in yourself . Its good to look out for red flags but not ruin a good thing
First of all, you don’t need therapy. You are just inexperienced in situations like this so you need someone to clear things for you.
1. Most mature/good/nice man don’t value excitement in relationship, they would prefer peace and loyalty. And from what you have told. I believe your man could be one of these good man. So there is no need to worry about him felt bored of you and leaves. That is not how man like this think.
2. Almost no man would go back to a cheating ex no matter how bad they want sex when they are single. The fact that he still recall some memory of her is not because of love. Men often just rethink their mistake and sometimes gets emotional thinking about it.
3. Your man is for sure a bit insecure after all what happened on him. Just remember if he shows emotion, he is seeking help silently. Treat him right when he does it. Makes him feel your love, but don’t spoil him with it. 24 is still a young age for men that he still got a lot to develop. You might not have been together for too long yet. But he will cherish you and these moment if you can help him out during his low and consider divorcing his ex was the most important turning point of his life.
Best wishes
You need a therapy with a professional, not some redditors advise
You were never his mistress! Why on earth would you lable yourself as that? 1. He was separated 2. He obviously emotionally checked out 6 minths before he broke up so to you it was 3 months but for him it was 9 months (I say that from experience). You both have very low self esteem and both need therapy, seprate and together. You’ve both found a good thing so stop letting it slip away and work hard together as a team to make this work. Communication is key to any successful relationship, me and my partner were exactly the same both our ex’s constantly cheated we both had that fear and trust issues and we communicated and worked through them together and both did therapy. This is the best relationship and last relationship I have ever had! We both feel like that but it takes work, take 2 people who are best friends and determination, it takes some risks but it’s 100% worth it, 7 years on with this man and I am still madly inlove with him, he’s still my bestie and no red flags.