I live with my partner and one thing I’ve started noticing is she will regularly suggest days out or dates or trips away etc and then if we plan it out, she’ll complain about actually being short of money so she doesn’t think she can afford to go. She’ll expect me to offer to pay for most things while we go away.
A couple of times doesn’t bother me but it’s starting to become more frequent.
An example of this is next month I am getting a pay rise at work so I decided to take a month to treat myself instead of saving any money. I planned to take my gf out for a nice meal and we are going on a double date with my friend and his girlfriend in a nearby city. I have paid the hotel and travel costs and told my gf I’ll be getting our meal when we’re there so all she’ll need is money for drinks. She said this was fine.
Now she’s saying she thinks I’ll need to pay for the full night since she’s seeing friends next month and has other things to pay for. I told her no and her response was just that we’ll have to cancel the night then. She’s also started mentioning the amount of money I’m planning to spend next month and keeps asking if I’m going to get her a treat or a present etc. I point out that I am taking her for a meal and a night away and she just changes the subject.
She suggested a day out this weekend and I agreed and we booked a restaurant and travel and then she suddenly couldn’t afford it so I got annoyed this time and told her to stop expecting me to pay for everything. I pointed out it’s very obvious she’s making these plans and just expecting me to be fine covering the full cost once we’ve planned it out.
She got angry and told me I was having a go at her for nothing and that i was wrong with what I was accusing her of. She said it’s just a coincidence and that I’m out of order for accusing her. How would you handle this?
tl;dr my gf regularly makes plans with me and then coincidentally cannot afford it when it comes to actually doing the plan and just seems to expect me to pay. How would you handle this?
38 comments
Brother this wont get better. If you look at your personal balance sheet she shows up as a liability not an asset. You should be investing in assets both financially and personally, she is a Grenade! Move on
I do not wish to infer your partner is merely excavating for precious metals, however, it appears she does not wish to be associating with impoverished minorities. Perhaps you should reconsider your economic support of this individual and may even wish to no longer associate with her at all.
Either be okay with paying for her to live above the lifestyle she can afford or stop paying her way and watch her reaction. If she doesn’t care, cool. If she blows up about it, then you understand what’s going on.
Get one of those apps like Tricount where you put in who paid what for whom. You will very quickly see that she owes you hundreds and hundreds of bucks. Show her so that she can’t feign innocence or deflect anymore. Also take a hard look at your relationship and see if she does anything for you to make you feel loved. Probably no gifts, but does she do other things like physical affection, emotional support, compliments, helping you with things when you get stressed, etc. You will figure out very quickly if your relationship is one sided and if she is just using you for your money.
Date a woman who is financially secure like yourself.
She’s taking advantage of you and when called out gaslighting you. I would make an account that out put the same amount of $ in and use that for outings. The extra $ each keeps they use that for going out with friends.
Does she pay for anything without you asking when going out? Does she contribute to rent/bills?
She is clearly using you for your money. You’re not a sugardaddy. I would dump a partner who tried to use my generosity like that.
If you are always out of money, its not a coincidence. That is an unwillingness to learn from mistakes and bad budgeting.
You’re more advance in your career, 24/27 are very different in terms of job and life. Do less flamboyant things. If you don’t want to be spending all your cash, stop spending it, do smaller cheaper things as dates. Sounds like you both haven’t been dating long so maybe you’ve shown off too much and now she just expects that level. Trips need to be half and half, that’s what me and my partner do and he makes far more then me. But it’s not fair for one to pay everything all the time even if they earn more.
Just start saying the best sentence in all of the whole wide world.
No.
It’s amazing. Either say no to the relationship or no to every time she makes plans. Tell her you have other plans for your money. Don’t spend a dime on her. Treat her amazingly in every way except spending money on her. Find other personal pursuits to spend your money on for yourself. Maybe even look up the 180 method if need be.
You will learn a lot real fast. I have feeling it will be exposing her but you never know. Either way you will learn a lot.
This is strangely familiar to me. My ex-wife did this all the time. She would plan something out, I would say let’s work on it and then she would say plans already made and here is your portion. Strangely enough my portion was 75 to 80% of everything or more. Sometimes. Very few times she took financial or personal responsibility for putting me behind the eight ball financially.
11 years I was with this person and it never got better, it only got worse.
If you see this as a pattern now, it’s not going to get better. Good luck and I think you know what to do.
Gold digger and doesn’t sound like there’s much gold
If you were meant to be, you would just pay (assuming you could afford it), and she wouldn’t expect that of you.
Ask her when she is going to treat YOU
The ROI is greater with hiring an escort vs dating this gold digger
The issue is not only her financial games, but she can’t communicate! She doesn’t even ask you to pay, she just mopes and cancels plans, essentially demanding you read her mind and give her what she wants
https://youtu.be/uEA6iP0e-U4
You need to start saying “ok, we’ll just cancel!” and “another time then!” and “no worries, I’ll do something by myself.” Let her be the author of her own destiny but take charge of your own and stop letting her manipulate you. Start by going for dinner and drinks with your friends without her. If you need a fourth, invite another friend. Basically show her that life and plans go on without her when she pulls this shit. I’m going to guess it will be the beginning of the end of your relationship, but it will be a good way for you to learn to stand up for yourself and probably all be for the best in the end.
It’s the saying “no”. You know that saying, “the customer is always right”? Being a boyfriend is like that when it comes to money and the flat. SHES the customer
So look. Don’t argue. Just like – figure out what you WANT to happen. Puta pin in that. And *then*- make lack of money start being *her* problem. Start not having enough money for things because she overspends. Dont be a dick about it- just start talking her you can’t afford to do the odd thing. Cos you carries her LAST week.
Start there
Tell her if she needs to cancel you understand, you ‘ ll miss her company and you ll see her when you get back.
As a woman I can say… It won’t stop! Lol I have many girlfriends like this. They genuinely believe they’re doing anything wrong so trying to reason with her will be a waste of time. Imagine you get her pregnant… She can’t do or pay for anything because she’s making a baby! Hahaha
Go find a woman that helps you grow that money instead!
You are being played for a sucker, Bru.
All I’m saying is Kanye West wrote a song about the entire situation you are in.
She’s got princess syndrome and the only cure for it is sadly a new girlfriend
Don’t move in with her. She’ll immediately quit her job and expect to be a stay at home girlfriend. You’re an atm to her.
Stop agreeing to the plans she makes. If she suggests a weekend, tell her you’d rather stay home. You can offer up plans when you’re willing to pay for them.
Fellas stop dating these broke bitches , get someone on your level there’s plenty out there .
I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke… well, you get the picture.
>How would you handle this?
By getting a better girlfriend.
Holy shit, I hope you don’t get married to that. And if you do, better have an ironclad prenup.
She sounds terrible. Guess she won’t be drinking that evening.
🎶but she ain’t messing with no broke, broke🎶
Gold digger, but sounds like she’s mining the wrong mine
I mean is she a stay at home gf? Are you the only earner? Is she taking care of everything else? Is her company worth being taken for granted? Drinks with her friends is more important than the double date plans.
She’s looking to slide her way into the gold digger/trophy wife role subtly. Take the trash out, dump her.
I wouldn’t accuse her of anything. However, the next time she asks about an outing, say you’re not sure because the last few times you have paid all of it and are feeling tapped out unless she’s sure she can pay half. Make her commit, and if she bails out again only agree to go to things you want to fully pay.
She is being manipulative
I say BREAK IT OFF WITH HER
and yes I’m a woman.
Yeah so she is doing this on purpose and is really into your money. She got defensive when you called her out on it.
Have a serious talk with her regarding finances. Make sure you are on the same page going forward. If she refuses, find someone more responsible with money
It’s not a coincidence if it happens all the time lol .
She’s doing exactly what you’re saying she is. Just expecting you to pay.
Anyone with common sense asking people to go places knows they should have money for themselves being the one who is asking, & also, usually the one asking pays all even unless it’s discussed to split at the time of asking.
Don’t put up with this any longer.