I’m a bit flabbergasted by an interaction with a friend and I’m wondering if you all can offer me your opinions here…
I’ve been with my spouse for over 10 years, just barely over the amount of time another couple friends of ours have been together. My husband and her husband are much closer than we are and they seem to have a great friendship. I also really enjoy the wife’s company however, during a recent hangout she said she was “offended” by our dynamic…I was very taken aback by this and thought she was kidding but she kept going saying that she’s just appalled for me on behalf of all women that I treat my spouse the way I do. This made me feel so awkward and even ashamed on some level? For context, this was because she found out I make my husband breakfast almost daily (and most meals because I genuinely love cooking) and that we have a more traditional dynamic (husband is the breadwinner, I “run the household” and we have no children. He helps out a TON with our home and I truly never have to worry about not having a teammate if I do need help).
I was able to kind of brush it off until she made a joke to her husband while we were all on a dinner date a few weeks later and commented on my husbands “chivilrous” behavior of opening my car door (he’s always done this since we’ve been together and I’ve never, ever forced or made him do this for me but this was how she joked I was being)
Honestly, I’m so happy in my relationship dynamic and I love doting on my husband because he truly deserves it and also, we genuinely enjoy and love spoiling one another. Our partnership is the biggest joy enhancer in our lives and it sucks to feel cornered and made to feel wrong? Like I’m not a good woman in some way? Is it weird I’m offended by her words or is this just normal?
28 comments
Not her life not her problem.
I really can’t imagine the gall of someone meddling in someone else’s marriage in a casual way with an insulting tone, but if it were me, I would have laughed really loudly in response.
She’s jealous and wants to drag your relationship down.
It’s none of her business but since she is outwardly making comments and it’s making you uncomfortable I would just quiet simply stop hanging out with them.
Here’s a comment I left yesterday on a similar post:
Tell your friend to piss off. Could be she’s jealous of what you and your husband have. But regardless of your friend’s input and motivation if you and your husband both feel loved and appreciated then keep it up. The best marriages are where the only competition is to see who can provide the other with more benefits and support motivated by love. Don’t let her drag you down to her lesser definition if marriage.
She probably has some idea of what feminism is. She probably thinks serving men is oppressive. However, you’re doing what you want, that’s my idea of feminism.
It’s one thing to have these thoughts, but entirely another to voice them aloud to you. Fkn rude!
You guys are what many couples strive for. Cherish your husband, make sure he knows how much you care, and be confident in your relationship, I would put money that there are a lot more weeds on the other side of the fence.
She sounds like one of those feminists that are actually the quite opposite of feminist who insist that they are in fact feminist. 😂
She also sounds incredibly jealous of the respect your relationship has (between you and spouse), embarrassed she is (probably) incapable of wanting to (let alone doing) the majority housework and cooking, etc.
I’m sorry but you have nothing to be ashamed of except that your friend is small minded and her jealousy comes out as a form of cruelty.
I thought feminism meant letting women do what makes them happy? Why is my joy so offensive to you? Honestly I’d just shut it down next time. “Your comments aren’t welcome, if we are friends you’ll let it go”
I have dealt with this kind of ridiculous and jealous behavior from many people in my life, and I am deeply saddened to say that most of it comes from other women. Yeah, I have worked since I was a teen to pay for my own basics and then to pay for school and to cover bills, and I would never treat a spouse (male or female or however they identify) so poorly based on their relationship dynamic.
Keep loving your husband and I hope he keeps loving you in ways that you choose to do! The jealous and vindictive will always be there and you can’t stop them but you can set boundaries for yourself and rules for interactions with others.
Lol she’s jealous. Ignore her.
She’s jealous.
Oh screw her, bitter Betty needs to shut up. If you two are happy them keep doing what you do.
Live your life and run your marriage how you want to. It is no one’s business. Perhaps if there was abuse going on, it might be prudent to intervene. However, in this case, it is not her business and if she is offended, it probably means that she is insecure, jealous, or both. Sometimes, even with family and friends, you have to tell them to stay in their lane.
I feel sorry for the dude that’s with her. Imagine dealing with that always. Jus remember you’re happy, your husband is happy, and you are both on the same page. A team mate that you are building with is exactly what you need. Keep on keeping on! Not everyone has to be a raging feminist these days
When people (ourselves included) have strong / odd / uncomfortable / norm breaking reactions to something it can often mean that the issue is something internal that they are struggling with and not the thing they are reacting to.
As other have said: this is her problem.
Set boundaries, enforce them, and move on with your life and your happy marriage.
My wife and I are not “traditional.”. We had a kid late, I do most house work and kid wrangling, and we both work full time. We are both feminists but would never comment to anyone on their situation. It is rude, and arrogant and we are comfortable with what we have.
Had I noticed my friend’s husband opening the door for her, I would have rather felt happy about it and say that she’s bagged a gentleman. Because most of the relationships where the man alone is the breadwinner, they don’t treat woman this well in public. I think you should let the husbands hangout and have minimal conversations with that friend of yours. She’s truly jealous
M, mid 60s. You are right to react the way you did. Don’t let her opinion affect your relationship with your husband. Her opinion’s not that important or relevant.
We’ve been married for 42 years. I’ve always been thankful for all the things my wife did/does for me and our family, (4 boys). She was a SAHM until our youngest was 10. I always been in awe of the way she did it all, she cooked, she cleaned, she looked after the daily challenges of raising 4 boys, (and sometimes their friends). I recall one morning the boys had friends in overnight. There were 10 extra people for breakfast. She didn’t blink and fed them all.
I always opened doors for her and did everything I could to make her/our lives better. I’ve had MS for almost 30 years and haven’t been able to keep on doing all the things I was doing the last few years. My mobility is the biggest daily challenge. She’s taken on some of ‘my work’, home maintenance, walking the dog, driving and so on.
We’re living the “In sickness and in health” part of our Wedding vows every day. I continually tell her how much I appreciate what she does for me and us. I tell her that asking her to marry me was the smartest thing I ever did.
There’s absolutely no way I’d allow anyone else to tell me stop treating my partner with love, respect and appreciation.
I agree with others. This sounds like some fucked up version of feminism that wormed its way into her head that makes her think doing anything for her husband is just disgusting. I’m a huge feminist, guess what? I make my husband dinner every night and an espresso every morning. He works from home and I’m a student, but even when I wasn’t working, he was still helping a ton with housework and even WANTED to cook some nights. She sounds like she sucks the fun out of everything. If this relationship dynamic makes the both of you so happy, there is NO reason not to keep it going. You have something seriously beautiful.
Rightfully annoyed is my take and it’s amazing what people are willing to say aloud. If you want this friendship, I’d shut that down the next time. It’s important to let people know they’ve overstepped, because they cannot read your mind. It’s also important to know when you yourself should step away from the relationship, because you cannot fix another person. If she can’t keep her mouth shut about shit that’s really none of her concern, she’s not a friend. You’ll need to throw that one away, it’s broken. It’ll be difficult, as your husbands are friends, but it is what it is. Only you can decide if you’re willing to tolerate her behavior.
A point to note, because in my 53 years on earth it’s never NOT been true… If she’ll say this kind of shit to your face, she’s saying much worse behind your back. She’s shown you who she is. Believe her.
Be careful and make sure you check her at the door because she wants what you have and she might start texting your husband like my wife did to another male friend even though I had done nothing wrong she had a crush which is normal but took it to another level of emotional affair. Attraction for him.
Comparison is the thief of all joy, and she seems to be doing a lot of comparing where her marriage is lacking.
Someone like that lady can never understand someone that doesn’t something for someone else just because they love them.
I’m the husband and I do all the stuff you describe. I do all the laundry, cook at least half the dinners, pick up groceries (we both plan and add to the grocery app), I fill her car with gas, wash it & vacuum it every week, get the oil changed when it needs it, handle recalls and maintenance, clean and maintain the pool she wanted..
I can imagine a conversation with a jerk on the male spectrum going similarly to what you had with your jerk lady “friend.” IDGAF – I do these things for my wife because I love her and I can. We make a great team, and it’s partly because we’re both trying to beat each other to the next thing that needs to be done so the other one doesn’t have to do it. Though there are things she really dislikes doing and I love doing those for her.
Your existence makes her look like a shitty spouse because she’s probably always been a shitty spouse – but now there’s a basis for comparison. I bet her husband is waking up to her BS and she doesn’t like it.
Next time she says that in the company of your husbands just say to her”I’m so sorry that you feel as though your husband isn’t attentive to you like that” then giggle
It’s not weird to be offended. What she said was offensive.
She sucks. I wouldn’t bother trying to be friends with her.
She is so mad her man doesn’t take care of her like that. 😄
Your relationship sounds great. Your friendship does not though. I would limit my time with them
Everyone’s marriage is different. No two marriages are going to have the same dynamic. If you and your husband like how everything is that’s awesome. Keep doing what your doing. Your friend sounds jealous and insecure.
Tell your husband you love him, and you don’t mind him hanging out with the husband, but she doesn’t like your relationship and you no longer want to see them socially! You should not have to see someone so petty that she tells you, that your relationship is wrong! Screw her…it’s none of her business!!! Maybe your husband will drop him too, but I understand keeping his friend too, after all he isn’t the problem!