I F27 no longer feel comfortable with my boyfriend M30

I F27 no longer feel comfortable with my boyfriend M30

I F27 wrote a post a while ago about how I found out my boyfriend M30 of 7 years was using dildos for majority of our relationship (found his toys in his closet while I was looking for socks).We talked a few days after I found them and I let him know that although I dont judge him or see him differently for using them, except for being turned on by his kink, I do feel like I wasnt trusted with this information and that hurts. When we spoke about it, I didnt want to throw a thousand questions his way even though I have so many questions. I wanted him to feel like I accept him for who he is and nothing has to change with us being a loving couple because that is how I feel. I told him I dont want to make it about me, but I do still have a lot of questions, but we dont have to get into them at that moment.

So some backstory, we struggle to communicate well sometimes. There are moments we start these screaming matches and dont stay on topic when trying to talk about something difficult. (This has sadly created trust issues and even some lack of confidence for both of us) This has been something in our relationship for years and this last year or so, I’ve really been trying harder to approach our conversations with more patience, calmer tone and overall talk more about the shit we upset each other about (I just cant continue if we dont progress)and talked to him about trying to do the same and he agreed. I dont want to say he hasnt been trying because that’s not the case, but I dont feel like he truly feels the way I do about wanting to correct our communication habits. I feel that lack of trust and bad communication is basically an end all for a relationship. I am aware he has valid reasons to have not came to me about his kink, i dont blame him, but I do feel a lot of blame towards myself. Anyway, before finding out his secret, I always felt that as bad as our communication can be sometimes, I truly believed we could trust each other and communicate openly about what we liked or what we would like to try in the bedroom. Discovering that I was all wrong about how open I felt we were and how we see eye to eye sexually, has crushed me. I am taking it way harder than I ever expected and have come to believe we are all wrong for each other if we dont have an area we are 100% confident with each other in.

I’ve expressed to him I think its a turn on and there is no judgement, but he still avoids the topic all together and hasnt shared an experience with me. (He never mentioned he wanted ass play, he would just tell me I can do whatever I want, but never thought of forcing something on him without his consent). I’ve slowly been trying to pleasure him down there while trying to read his vibe, but there was a moment I asked if he enjoys me touching him like that and his response was “I like that you like it” making it feel like he’s just throwing me a bone. It seems like he’s gotten more into pretending its not a kink of his. I hate that I’ve learned his ways without trying, I know when he’s about to play with himself while I just hang out in the living room, I know how often, I know his tells and I cant stand knowing. I dont think he knows I can now tell when he’s doing it or has done it. It really breaks my heart being this left out of my partners kink. I dont know if I’m just being to emotional or trying to control the situation, I just know I feel like I lost him and like I dont know him at all. All I would want for him/us is to gain his trust and confidence and be the person he can be comfortable expressing his insecurities with. I would never expect this to happen over night, but I’ve realized that this is an end all for me. I cant be in a relationship with a person who cant trust me with something so personal. I dont expect him to not pleasure himself when needed, I just expected him to want to share that with me at least a few times since he started doing it.

I dont even know what I’m expecting from posting this except maybe someone to talk to or to find out if I’m being too emotional about the situation. I have been pretty down these last 6 weeks or so, been having random anxiety/crying attacks when I’m alone that I havent mentioned to my boyfriend and my appetite has been dwindling. I know in the end, even though I’m madly in love with him, I need to take care of myself.

I guess my question would have to be, does this sound like healthy behavior from both of us? Not sire how else to see it.

P.S. this is a lot of negative things in our relationship, I am leaving out the positive/ happy moments we share together on the daily. Please dont judge my whole relationship based on this post and tell me to break up with my partner.

Tl;dr boyfriend doesnt seem comfortable sharing his kink