Let me start off by saying that this is a throwaway account.
A bit of background. My wife (F35) and I (M40) started dating 14 years ago, and we got married 6 years ago. Due to my job, we’ve moved a few times. During this time, we’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing too serious (or so I think, but I can be oblivious to things). I don’t like talking about things that bother me, because I feel like I shouldn’t bother people with my feelings, or with what’s bothering me. I need to be stronger so that I can be strong for my family. 4 years ago, we had our first child. Things were tough, but good. We were happy, and trying to figure out how to be parents. 2 years ago, we had our second child. This is when things started to go down hard. My wife had to be induced, she suffered post-partum, took it out on me. I didn’t notice it, because I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t want to let it show, because I needed to be strong for my wife. I was trying to do everything, take care of our dog, our eldest, keep the house clean, cook, go to work, make sure my wife had what she needed, but somehow it wasn’t enough.
As much as I’ve been trying for us to reconnect as a couple, it just doesn’t seem to be working. My wife has been told years ago that she has a hormone imbalance, and got a cream for it, but she either really forgets to take it, or “forgets” to take it. We haven’t been intimate for a while together (it’s been months) and I’ve been turning to porn, and masturbation. I hate myself for doing it, and no matter how hard I try, I always go back. I always feel dirty about it afterwards, and go spans of time without masturbating, but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.
I feel like I do a lot around the house. I work my job, I come home, I try to take care of our kids to give her a break, I cook, I clean. I try to help her with things that she needs.
I just moved to a new position, where it is permissible for me to smoke weed (It’s legal here). My wife took the kids away for a few days to visit the grandparents while I worked on the house. I went and bought some weed to smoke while they were gone. When she asked me about a charge on our CC, for some reason, I lied about it. I think it was because I know she doesn’t approve of it. Well, a few days later, she confronted me about it, and I came clean. Naturally, I’m in the doghouse for lying.
I love my wife, and I’m afraid of losing her. I want to be a better man for her, but it seems that we’re just drifting apart, and it scares me. I’ve never been good at vocalizing my emotions. I’ve been scarred by my upbringing (and I know that at 40, I should be able to ignore my upbringing, but I was always told that a real man doesn’t show his emotions.) I don’t know what to do.
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TL;DR: Not sure why I’m a shitty husband, and not sure what to do about it.
1 comment
You should go to therapy so they can guide you through feeling and expressing your emotions. If you aren’t able to work through what’s bothering you on your own or know how to tell your wife what is going on, it leaves her guessing and unable to partner with you. It really sucks that men are supposed to be strong and suck it up, but you are a human with emotional needs that deserve to be met.
You be a better partner by taking care of yourself. And a therapist can set you up with the tools you need to have tough conversations with your wife about the lack of intimacy (both physically and mentally) and why you aren’t able to tell your wife about the CC charge. You don’t have to do this alone You shouldn’t have to do this alone.