I (33F) only just came across this term, but after reading up on what it means, I feel myself in it. I posted back in May that my husband (39M) and I had a converstation about our dead bedroom that Boiled down to him not being attracted to me anymore because of weight gain and no longer being “petite”. We have had multiple, very painful conversations since then. He seems to think this is a sex-only problem, and that the rest of our relationship is fine. I vehemently disagree. I appreciate his honesty, but I’m incredibly hurt and I feel that this issue is the result of deeper problems in our intimacy. I feel myself withdrawing from him. I feel myself revoking my desire for him. I don’t fantasize about him anymore, because it hurts. I fantasize about strangers that make me feel wanted. I feel me protecting myself from wanting his desire or craving his attention.
I feel myself mourning like we’re already over.
He wants us to work. Wants us to get back in shape and continue working on our emotional connection in hope that that solves the physical connection. And I want that, i want us to be better. but I feel so resentful of his rejection. I’m being more physically active, but I resent him not appreciating what he does have and the human that i still am. I don’t want to dismantle our life. Our kids lives. I don’t want to walk away. But I feel myself pulling away on the inside and I don’t know what to do about it.
Link to original post for context: https://reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/1vpMU3HFxz
19 comments
Compromises in marriage. This is where your part comes in. Don’t take it as criticism. Instead, take it as his way of expressing himself and having a voice.
You say you disagree with this being an only attraction problem. What do you feel the problem is?
I’m a little confused. You say it’s not a sex-only problem, but that the root of the issue is him not wanting you sexually. He’s kind of in a tight spot here where he needs you to lose some weight to want you again but you need him to want you in order to inspire action. It’s circular. It’s feels like you asked him for the truth and you got the truth and now you’re mad at him for what he said. That kinda sucks.
So you resent him for not finding you physically attractive anymore.
Either lose weight or divorce.
My question is, if you divorce, are you going to lose weight so that you increase your dating pool?
Because it will….
Does he use a lot of porn? That will definitely skew his attraction. Honestly you deserve better, go get an emotionally available man that appreciates you for you. We all get old and fat/unattractive some day. He gave you a gift of showing his true colors now.
It may be hurtful, but he’s being honest with you about his feelings. If what he says is true, he still loves you and everything about your marriage but the man is only human and can’t control his desires just like how you can’t and I can’t. Each of us are attracted to who we are attracted to, and sometimes if a person changes and we are no longer attracted to them that can be difficult but it’s not necessarily our fault.
Sometimes, as marriages get older, and the people in them get older, we have to make an effort to keep up the intimacy, and be attractive to our partners. Now that doesn’t mean kill yourself with diet and exercise beyond reason just to make him happy, but there’s a compromise somewhere in there.
I do sympathize with this entire situation because it’s totally normal for your body to fluctuate and gaining weight is not unusual. But at the same time, he is a human being that can’t always help what he is, and isn’t attracted to. I don’t think it’s really fair for you to resent him over a natural feeling that he can’t really help. I am attracted to the type of man I am attracted to, and there’s nothing I can really do about that. We all have a type
Also what does “I feel this issue is the result of deeper problems in our intimacy…” mean? He gave the hard answer to the question vs an easy out he could have given but you feel he’s misunderstanding his own feelings?
In my opinion, a great marriage, not a perfect one, you are in sync on all aspects of your marriage. This includes sex. That is giving the best version of you to your partner, and expecting them to give you that back in return. On this point, one will usually fall or have periods or lulls in a marriage. It is what the other partner not in the lull does during this to help build their partner back up. At the same time the other partner recognizing this and showing appreciation for actively being patience, understanding, and the will to be there and help.
Fact is people grow, and wants and desires change, however, that should still not be an inflection point where the marriage runs off course. It should be a chance to build upon the base you already started.
Now him being an ass, only shows you he is not giving you his best, as he is showing you, you are a comfort, but the hell with your needs and wants. Been there done that. To me, you just need to say, you may believe our marriage is fine, but it is far from it. I have reached my breaking point, and if you do not figure out that I want you and need you, and sex is important to me, we will eventually end, and I will be part of the 70% of women who file for divorce.
My husband has gained over 100 pounds. While I love him, I have zero sexual desire for him. It would be really nice if he cared about his health and wanting to be attractive for his partner.
I read some of the other comments and I realize there are other issues at play here. But I just want to make a quick point about the “sex only” comment and then the weight. Porn can kill relationships.
For a lot of men sex is where we get about 80-90% of our connection and feeling loved. So if he says it’s sex only and he is like this, like me and all of my brothers and most of my friends are, then he is saying he is also missing out on the vast majority of what connects him.
The weight thing is hard. It is difficult to know what you mean by college athlete. Did you go from a size 0 to a size 8? Is 20 pounds for you 15% or more of your healthy weight? Size 8 doesn’t seem overweight on its own but maybe if you were a size 0 back then possibly size 4 is more in line with what you might both consider healthy and attractive. I don’t know any guy who expects their wife to stay what they were at 19 but I do know most of us really appreciate our wives putting work into staying physically attractive. (Yes I struggle with weight and constantly do triathlons and bike centuries to help keep it under control. I hate every minute of the training and I’m a decade into it now. It’s a lot of work but worth it to keep myself healthy for my, my wife, and our family.)
My wife gained 40+lbs and I became a lot, lot less sexually interested. That’s just how it is. If you’re no longer sexually attractive, then people become less sexually attracted.
She ended up losing all the weight and some more and the sex life has gotten tons better again.
The fact is, from start to finish, I never loved her any more or less based on her weight. The only thing that changed was that I wasn’t as sexually intimate as before. I didn’t want to have sex nearly as much, but I still loved her more than anything. For me, it was a purely sex thing, but the big issue in our relationship was that sex was a very important thing to her and it created a lot of problems, but the fact is I’m not sexually attracted to people that are very overweight.
People will say that you’ll get old and fat as you age, and that may well be true, but that’s also one the main reasons why frequency of sex drops as you age. Not just because of hormones.
It’s a sucky situation, but I will say that I do believe without a doubt that your husband loves you, because I was the same, and I know exactly how you feel, because my wife felt the same (sans the desire to leave), and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do moving forward because you can’t change what your husbands sexual preferences are.
You do NOT feel safe, like you can be vulnerable. You need couples counseling or this will never work.
Idk. I feel like taking care of your health is part of it. If my spouse gained 100 lbs I’d no longer be attracted to her. It’s the same for her towards me also. Being married doesn’t mean you stop taking care of yourself
Hey friend, same boat
Is there a chance you know you deserve more and staying in the relationship is maybe more because he has become a part of you? Years and growing a family bonds people together, but compatibility is rare in long term relationships. It’s scary to leave something that isn’t good for you, but is what you’ve known for a long time.
It’s worth trying therapy if you can, it’s also ok to start an exit plan if the relationship has expired.
I completely understand what you’re saying. I once told my husband that when I pull away there would be no returning
and that got things back on track you need to let him know how much he hurt you and he needs to work to get your trust back 😞
Op I read that you are a size 8? And under 5’4″? That’s still petite. If so went down to the size I was at 18 I would look emancipated. You deserve better
I’m 53. One thing I’ve talked to lots of older married women friends about is the onset of Erectile Dysfunction as the man and the marriage ages. Because it’s so common.
Whether his ED is the result of Type 2 diabetes, heart issues or porn addiction issues, it almost always starts with him projecting that she’s gotten fat/flabby and unattractive.
If you’re a size 8 and taller than 5’0, you’re NOT overweight. His expectations seem unreasonable. My guess is Erectile Dysfunction.
Was there anything in your wedding vows about swearing to stay the same size and shape you were at 19? Despite having children?