I’m a 28F who is still a virgin. It’s a long story why but basically I have never been in a relationship and I’ve never had an emotional connection with someone before. I’ve only started dating last year because I wasn’t ready to date for a long time. I have contemplated compromising my values and just having sex with someone just to get it over with. I feel like it’s impossible to find someone who matches with me. I can’t get any matches on dating apps or speed dating events.
24 comments
Catholic here – no, it’s not impossible. Yes, it is more difficult to meet someone in this secularised world who will agree to wait with you (unless you are part of a religious community like Catholicism, Orthodoxy etc).
Please don’t do anything that would possibly traumatize you or lead to low self esteem and regret. Stick to your values. There’s nothing wrong with you
Why do you want to “get it over”? I’d wait till I found someone I wanted to have sex with…. Just like I’d wait for the right person to have a cup of coffee with on a date. No need to compromise your desires… Unless you just want to see what it’s all about, then sure go for it
There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I NEED to have a connection with someone in order to enjoy sex. Without it, the interaction just feels boring and empty. Good communication, trust, and a connection make the experience so much better. You just take all the time you need until you find someone who is worth your time! ^_^
Intimacy with someone you care about is why there is intimacy. “Just getting it over with” is going to be a disappointment. At this point, You’ve waited until now to start dating. Find someone you care about who shares those feelings and start exploring with each other. Don’t rush anything. In the end, just sex is just sex, it’s not intimacy.
It sounds like you are focusing on dating sites to find the one.
Dating sites are not in men’s favor. Studies have shown women focus on the top men for the most part and good decent guys get ignored or have a very low response rate.
Look for opportunities to meet women in person. You will have a much better success rate.
No it’s not. While I ready for sex and messed around a little in my early twenties, I really wanted to wait until I had a partner who I had feelings for to have intercourse with. While the relationship ended pretty badly, I don’t regret losing my virginity at 23 because we both had a connection and I was able to get to know them and what they liked sexually on a deeper level beyond just a casual thing
Absolutely not. I stayed a virgin til I was almost 26!! I’m with you. I’d take it back and still be a virgin to this day if I could, I regret all my partners. They weren’t worth it.
I promise there are people who will wait, I’ve found them! Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t compromise your values or you’ll lose yourself.
Anyone who isn’t willing to meet you where your boundaries lie are NOT for you. Someone who wants you wants ALL of you. Your timelines, your trauma, everything. The good and the bad. Don’t worry, those people are out there. But choose wisely as you have to wade through a lot of assholes to find the good ones. But they ARE THERE.
Nah its not dumb. Having an emotionally connection with someone ur having sex with makes it feel SOOOO much better. It’s a whole different game when there’s sparks between two people
>Is it a stupid pipe dream to wait to have sex until you meet someone you have a connection with?
No.
Although it may work for some, having sex to get rid of one’s virginity or to just “get it over with” can backfire. A friend of mine went down that route (got on Tinder to lose her virginity) and she came away from the experience just feeling used.
When it comes to sex, you should do what you’re comfortable with and NOT let anyone force you.
Don’t have sex with someone to “get it over with”. There’s nothing special to “get over”. You can have sex out of curiosity, but don’t force yourself if you don’t want to. Don’t hold yourself back if you want to either.
> I feel like it’s impossible to find someone who matches with me.
What makes you feel that someone isn’t a match for you?
> I can’t get any matches on dating apps or speed dating events.
It’s possible your profile has been flagged as spam/fake. You should be able to get matches on dating apps as a woman seeking men even if the only photo you upload is a grainy picture of your big toe.
No.
It’s not as common these days to be as patient as you have been with something like this. People (like me) rushed into their experiences and weren’t very cautious their first time. I was 17 and was wild lol – it wasn’t the worst experience I had but it wasn’t the best either.
Might you be waiting a VERY long time before any connection you deem worthwhile comes along? It’s likely. But less likely if you’re REALLY putting yourself out there and looking for potential partners as much as you can to at least get closer to what you want.
How long are you willing to wait?
Sometimes you can be compatible with someone in every other way BUT sexually, so even if you find the person you want to have sex with matches all of your criteria, there is no guarantee your connection will translate to a good sexual experience. Just something to think about is all.
I wish you well for whatever you choose to go with 🙂
I don’t think so! I had sex for the first time when I was 24 and it was basically to get it over with. The experience was positive but I realized I really do need that built up emotional intimacy to enjoy sex fully.
I say trust your gut. I’m finally putting myself out there at 30 (trauma etc) and know building that emotional intimacy is crucial for me to want to be an active participant.
Edit: a word
I went the “just get it over with” route and I was pretty happy with the results. That said, I wasn’t compromising my values or my boundaries to do it. It was what I wanted. I wanted to just get it behind me and move on, to not live in the mystery. So I think if you’re enthusiastic about that, if that’s what you want in your heart of hearts, it would probably work out.
But if you want to play it that way because you’re afraid or because you feel a ticking clock, I’d be worried it’ll be more distressing than anything else. I don’t think you’ll walk away feeling good and whole unless you’re personally enthused about the idea.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting. The only advice I can give you is don’t put a timeline on things. Don’t tell yourself it’s gotta be X dates with a guy, or Y months of exclusive dating. That will either push potential partners away, or encourage them to stick around longer than they feel like because they know sex is coming if they do.
Get out there and date. Be aggressive. Go after what *you* want. And be brave. At some point it will be the right guy at the right time, and you’ll know it. And try to enjoy the moment.
Honestly? Sexual compatibility, or incompatibility, is a real thing I feel not nearly enough people take into account. It’s as if the assumption is that if you have an emotional connection then good sex will automatically follow. A lot of times this is not the case. There’s a lot of factors – frequency, specific sex acts, kinks and fetishes, etc. There’s almost no way to know your sexual compatibility together until you have sex. I once dated a woman who made it a point to have sex on the first date, because if her compatibility with the guy was low then she didn’t want the relationship to progress any further.
Good sex with someone you do have that emotional connection with is great. But ultimately sex is only what you make of it, nothing more, nothing less. You can have casual, meaningless sex with a hundred different people, but when you do have (good) sex with that special someone it will not be any less meaningful.
Is is possible to still wait, and have that person you have the emotional connection with also be sexually compatible with you? Sure. It does work for a lot of people. But it also doesn’t work for a lot of people, and so you’ll be taking a risk. Whether or not you want to take that risk is up to you.
Yes it’s okay until you really vibe with someone. But there is a limit on that. They don’t need to be your soulmate. Or your lifetime partner. You will know.
No its not. Good for you
First I’ll just say, you are not alone there are probably more women in their mid twenties that are virgins than you think. Second I don’t think there is any wrong answer here as long as you are safe. As a culture I think we tend to build virginity and sex up to be this huge deal. I know I did and I wasn’t even raised very religiously. I was around 24 when I had full sex for the first time, it did happen to be with someone I had a connection with, but in hindsight I wish had taken up several opportunities I had before I started dating my first. There were a variety of reasons I didn’t at those times, but would have made different choices for sure.
I told myself the same thing. I would not give my virginity to someone I didn’t trust, or have a connection with in some way. I’ve slept with two guys I met on tinder. We talked for probably a good 2-3 weeks before we ever met in person and had sex. This was on my part to establish some sort of connection and when I tell you these two where some of the most important people to me.
I didn’t loose my virginity to the love of my life by any means, but I did have an amazing experience and gain a really good friend and establish a connection that cannot be described. I felt I knew him and felt comfortable enough around him that my first time was great and we only got better at it.
It is not a stupid pipe dream, set boundaries and expectations for yourself and you will be rewarded. It’s self love in a way
No, it’s called ‘being a normal woman’.
You don’t have any close guy friends who are up for a good time? You can “get it over with” with someone you already like and enjoy the company of
Connection is great. I need it for partners. But, connection, to me, is not head over heals love. It’s attraction, trust, good match, feeling on the same wavelength. Figure out what your connection level is. Don’t get too hung up on finding perfection.
There’s no reason to have sex you don’t want to have.
Just don’t get caught up in some romantic idea of what your first time will be.
It could be amazing
It could be awful
Or anything in between
Even with someone you think you have a connection with.