I’m looking for a gut check here and to see if I’m totally off base with my anger and frustration. My husband routinely does things that he thinks improve our lives, our home, etc without asking for my opinion. We are both 38 and have 2 little kids.
Some examples:
He purchased an entire furniture set for our tv room without asking me. He chose things I really dislike (a plastic swivel stand for the tv, an enormous black leather couch, a black shag rug etc) – to me, it looks like a 20 year old’s first apartment or a sad setting for a porn movie.
I came home one day and found he’d inserted new photos into all of our living room photos frames. About 25% of the pictures now featured his parents. Gone were some of my favorite pictures of our kids. I told him I’m happy to include pictures he likes in the frames, but I want to have a discussion about it and come to some agreement.
We came home from vacation last night. Our frig was basically empty. I picked up groceries this morning and came home to find all the frig shelves were changed in height. We now have one massive height shelf (about 4x the height of the other shelves), and the other shelves are all very short in height. I pretty much can’t fit any groceries on the short shelves – they’re useless. I legitimately can’t fit any food into my otherwise very large frig. My husband explained he wanted the massive height shelf so he could stand up some of the champagne bottles we have in there rather than laying them on their sides. When I pointed out how I now couldn’t fit any actual food in the frig, he changed all the shelves back.
I got into my car one day last month to find it totally reorganized. My husband bought some car organizer which now sits on top of the center console. He shoved anything loose he found in the car in there. After a week of driving around bashing my elbow into this thing, I got rid of it.
He decided that our kitchen and pantry weren’t organized well. So one day while I was out with the kids, he reorganized them. He inserted the items from the pantry into various parts of the kitchen and vice versa. So, one part of our kitchen cabinets now has coffee mugs and next to those are the k cups, bagged coffee, coffee filters, descaler, etc and another part has bowls and next to those are things that might go into a bowl (pasta, sauce, cereal). Into our pantry, he moved kitchenware that isn’t frequently used (our juicer, our toaster, etc). I’m the one who uses our kitchen mostly (since I do all the cooking and nearly all the cleanup), and I find the “reorganization” he has done maddening.
I just feel so.. disrespected that my husband just does things that effect me without even bothering to ask if I have an opinion. When we talk about it, he does apologize but insists he was just trying to help and make things better. I insist I’m happy to get his opinion on things and we can come to an agreement on how to proceed.
Any advice?
3 comments
Furniture and photos, over the top. Had he done the other things without the furniture/photos I’d say he was just trying to be nice…. but he didn’t.
He needs to understand that certain things require both spouses, it’s your house just as much as his.
Furthermore, if you’re like me, I do all the cooking too, I don’t want someone reorganizing my space.
You need to set some boundaries.
Also, where does he find all this energy and time? Does he have some type of OCD or ADHD? I don’t want to jump to that, but my son is ADHD and it seems eerily similar.
The furniture thing is a big one. It’s an expense of money and it’s a persistent change to your living space and you should have been involved. Had there previously been any discussions about getting new furniture (or, especially, any complaints from anyone else in the household about the old furniture?).
The photos – that’s pretty odd that he didn’t ask you, but it’s easily fixable. I think you handled it well. In isolation, it’s a “not a big deal” thing in my book. Definitely worth an “if you’re going to do this again, check with me first, mkay?” The pantry reorganization goes into this category for me. Is it annoying? Yeah. Should he have asked? Yeah. Does he mean disrespect? Highly unlikely.
The fridge thing – easy to fix, also not a big deal in my book. If he had a reason and he didn’t leave food on the counter because it “didn’t fit,” I’d suggest this is more of a “take a deep breath and move on” situation.
The car organizer? This is where it starts to sound petty, but I understand your frustration given the history and the fact that it sounds like it is your car (rather than a shared car). If someone else were complaining about how their spouse tried to corral loose junk in the car into an organizer that ended up being in your way, I’d be on the “this is your problem, not his” side.
I’m not sensing hurtful intent her – just some cluelessness and failure to recognize the impact of the things he’s doing. It does sound like there’s a good chance of some sort of neurodiversity at play here.
The furniture thing is a huge deal. I’d be upset, too. Everything else is a bit “meh who cares” in my opinion, BUT that is irrelevant. It’s your marriage, your life, your car, your cabinets. If you want your husband to ask you before making these kinds of decisions, I think it’s a reasonable request.
I don’t think he’s lying. It sounds like he genuinely is “just trying to help”. But he needs to understand that this is not an excuse. Especially if you guys have already had this discussion multiple times.
I think you have given him plenty of chances. Tell him that from now on, if he makes a decision like this without you, he will be wholly responsible for undoing the damage. No ifs, ands, or buts. He replaces all the silverware with stuff you don’t like? He’s responsible for returning the new stuff and replacing it with something you both like. He mounts the TV in a spot you don’t like? He remounts it, but this time taking your preferences into consideration.
This is not a punishment. This is a way for you to reduce your anxiety and live with peace of mind, knowing that even if he DOES fuck something up, at least he’ll be responsible for fixing it and y’all don’t have to have a big argument or discussion about it. Just say, “Sorry babe, I know you were just trying to help, but I actually don’t like the thing you bought/did, and you didn’t consult me so please fix it like we agreed.”