My fiance has the libido of a 55 year old. Which I understand can just be normal for some folks so I’m not upset by that. It’s kinda a nice surprise when he’s actually in the mood then. I don’t masturbate, I get horny often but just personally hate the concept of masturbation (everyone that does is cool in my book, just ain’t for me). So whenever he’s ready to go I’m more than accepting. I’m on birth control and we’ve both agreed on waiting at least 5 more years until we want to try having kids. He knows I never skip a pill so he would cum inside me, we both agreed overall it feels so much better. We moved in together in the beginning of July and pretty much as soon as that happened he started pulling out. I didn’t know what to think at first but as time went on I’ve been getting more upset and frustrated by it. All that closeness is torn away. Any sexual feeling I had disappears immediately. I asked him a few weeks ago why he’s pulling out all of a sudden and he says it’s cuz he doesn’t wanna take a chance of getting pregnant. I don’t understand the flip. I reassured him I’m not going to let that happen and that I would really prefer if he stayed inside. Last night was the first time in about 12 days and again just as I was reaching climax with him he pulled out again. It might sound overboard but I felt crushed. I got this deep sinking feeling in my chest and felt like I’m worthless. He reached for the papertowel and tried to be funny with me. I ended up snapping at him a little “hurry up I’m dripping!” And snagged the paper towel from him. After I wiped most of it I went to the bathroom and closed the door behind me (we almost never close the door unless there’s guests over). I got a washcloth and wiped up the rest of the mess, sat on the toilet and silently cried for about 3-4 minutes. I was disgusted. I washed my face and opened the door to go back to the bedroom, he was leaning up against the closet across the hall. Gave me a sly smile, I kissed him stopped a second and said “next time we go to the store we’re buying condoms” he asked why and I said “I don’t like it when you come on me” he either said oh or ok and definitely had an unhappy look on his face. He went into the bathroom and I went to lay in bed. I faced the wall and had tears streaming down my face. He stayed in the bathroom almost as long as I did. And didn’t say a word to me when he came back. When we woke up this morning we didn’t acknowledge that exchange from last night. And just kinda moved on. I don’t know how to feel or how to proceed. I love him with all my heart and I know he does too. But this just feels like a weird/awkward situation I’m in.
31 comments
I dont see the issues of him taking extra precautions. I use birth control and condoms. Unless you look at this as he dont trust you
Just talk to him and have an adult conversation about how it made you feel, what you want and what he wants.
I don’t wish to undermine your feelings but I guess you take this situation very personally. I think it is obvious that even though you take the pills there is still a minimal risk of getting pregnant. It seems like he doesn’t want to risk that. I guess you need to evaluate your feelings and find what is actually bothering you. Do you feel like he doesn’t trust you, or maybe it makes you feel not wanted or desired? What motives do you think he has when he pulls out?
You two need to have a conversation about this outside of sex. In the heat of the moment it’s hard to have a constructive conversation.
Tell him why you enjoy him cuming in you and what you feel you’re losing when he pulls out. Focus on “I….” statements and avoid blaming or accusing him. The goal is to make him understand why it’s upsetting to you and that him cuming on you doesn’t do the same for you, all while also acknowledging his need for extra safety.
Then talk about options. What could give you what you miss? What could make him feel safe? Condoms are one option but try and see if you can find others together that would satisfy both your needs.
Hey now don’t lump all 50+yr olds into the same category. Some of us have sex daily. With the same partner for 26+yrs.
You’re handling this very immaturely. You are taking his actions personally against you. Tell him what’s upsetting you and see if you can come to a compromise such as condoms. You being passive aggressive helps no one. There’s nothing wrong with him taking extra precautions to not impregnate you.
It sounds like the deeper issue is that you’re frustrated from the sexual incompatibility and lack of closeness. Him taking something away and being dismissive of your concerns is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I’m confused. Is the issue that he doesn’t deposit semen inside you or that interrupting intercourse by pulling out denies you an orgasm. If it is not coming, I would think it would be clear to him that he needs a plan “B” (no not the pill) like lasting until you orgasm before withdrawing or using a condom for the extra protection.
Some people find being cum ON hot. You don’t like it. COMMUNICATE THIS!!!
Are you having more sex since you moved in together? It doesn’t seem like it from your description. I would also find it odd since he had no issues ejaculating inside you before you moved in together. It’s almost like things went in reverse. I would be confused too.
Have you discussed what would happen if your birth control failed? It’s possible if you have an agreed upon plan in place that may lessen the worry.
It’s great that he’s wanting to ensure you don’t alter your long term plans, and there’s nothing wrong with coming up with a way to use more than one method of birth control. But this should be something you discuss together and decide on as a unit. That way compromise can be made on both sides if needed.
Time for a discussion when you’re both feeling open to it and not in the moment when emotions are running high.
I feel like you’re being a little overdramatic here. Instead of communicating you’d rather cry silently over… frankly, not much?
I don’t think you’re mature enough (which is also evidenced by your age) to get married.
I’m going to stick to sex advice here. Statistically speaking pull out sucks as a secondary BC method. You are better off using spermicide or contraceptive gel as your secondary. It’s a win win for you both. Less chance of getting knocked up, better and more connected orgasms for both of you.
I think you need to just bite the bullet and stop dancing around the outside.
Hi Mr Partner, I know this sounds ridiculous but I’ve taken you not coming inside of me as a sign of you possibly being uncertain about our future. Are you still sure I’m the one.
An informed guess tells me that’s why it upset you
So I think part of the issue is that you’re having a big hormone dump after sex- if he pulls out right as you cum it can “ruin” your orgasm which messes with your hormones if you aren’t cumming regularly. Either him making you cum before or you making yourself cum more often would help with that problem.
You’ve gotten a lot of advice about the communication issue so I won’t touch that.
The double standards here… imagine if a woman doesnt want a guy to cum inside her and he starts crying and manipulating the woman by taking away something she likes during sex as ‘compromise’. People would suggest that you leave the guy.
Get yourself staight and talk to him about this. What can you do so youre BOTH comfortable? He doesnt want to come IN you, you dont want him to come ON you. Fine, maybe he can come in his own hand or something. But dont make him wear condoms just because youre frustrated with him
I think this may be a fairly common thing. I think my wife and I went through something like this before our wedding. We just felt like we were so close to the finish line we didn’t want to take the risk of getting pregnant before the wedding.
What did he say when you asked him why he didnt mind cumming in you before, but does now?
Definitely important to stop the “not talking about it”. One fun thing you can do is start without a condom and then when he feels line he’s getting close he can pull out and you or him can put the condom on. It can be fun and sexy and there are great fancy condoms out there these days. That way you can still have the connection of him cumming while still inside you and take away that pregnancy anxiety for him.
What do you mean with ‘A libido like a 55 year old’? Many have a very high libido in their 50s and 60s with sex more than once a day.
Think I understand, it’s not just the orgasm, it’s the aftermath, the closeness, the cuddles, kisses, stroking until he naturally slips out. It’s the whole experience, not just the explosion that feels more complete.
This sudden change would be unnerving without a detailed conversation. Is it truly a precaution, then why now? Is it a new kink he’s exploring? Is it something he’s seen in porn that turns him on?
All that should be discussed outside the bedroom so both of you can calmly explain your thoughts and find a satisfactory solution for both of you.
Sounds like he needs to give you some reassurance and explain why he’s suddenly so worried about you getting pregnant when he didn’t seem to worry as much before.
Stop expressing your emotions only by being emotional, like snapping at him. Express your emotions with careful word choice that explains how you feel and why. You’re acting like he intentionally was trying to harm you, and he would be perfectly justified in being baffled and frustrated at your (to him) arbitrary and random reactions. I’m not saying your feelings are invalid — I’m saying what you choose to do with your feelings makes all the difference. COMMUNICATE.
He could be pulling out because now that you live together, having a kid is becoming more real than he would like
I mean, for me personally, having a kid is terrifying, so i do not finish inside, so maybe now that you 2 are truely on your own its just crossed that line of becoming a reality to him, so hes subconciously adding another line of defence
Edit: i see and understand how this change could be taken personally, but you should be aware that this could be completely subconscious and not anything on you personally
Talk. To. Him.
> Last night was the first time in about 12 days and again **just as I was reaching climax** with him he pulled out again. It might sound overboard but I felt crushed. I got this deep sinking feeling in my chest and felt like I’m worthless.
> I got a washcloth and wiped up the rest of the mess, sat on the toilet and silently cried for about 3-4 minutes.
These are super important to communicate in a direct, calm, non-judgmental way. There is a possibility that if he took the time and care to provide intimacy that includes you climaxing instead of only him, the rest wouldn’t bother you as much. Right now he has no idea what you are missing so desperately, namely your own climax through intimate sexual interaction. He probably has the impression that you are upset because you hate having semen on you, so he will be confused and frustrated all over again when he doesn’t get semen on you and you are still upset.
Relationships die slowly but surely in silence, resentment, and contempt. Therapy is probably the best way to improve your mutual communication skills. Communication has to improve or your relationship will die.
Welcome to r/sex everyone. Where 90% of the posts are just people who need to communicate and the other 10% are the most batshit crazy things you will ever read
It’s honestly pretty naive to confidently tell him that you won’t let yourself get pregnant. How exactly do you plan on preventing that 100%? BC doesn’t do that, so there’s always a chance. It’s possible that he really thought about the consequences of you getting pregnant and doesn’t want to risk it. You communicated what you want (that you want him to stay inside), but you did not listen to what his concerns were. You never truly communicated what your issue is with his actions. You also can’t make him cum inside you – was your expectation that his worries about you getting pregnant would just disappear once you told him what YOU want?
I just need to point out that birth control is not 100% effective. My partner came in me exclusively, because we both preferred it, and I had an IUD.
We have a one month old baby now.
Too much difference in libido at this age is t going to go well in the long term. You need to find someone you’re more compatible with. I’ll probably get down-voted for this, but take it from someone who tried to keep it together for 6.5 years, got out, and then found the love of my life.
I’m turning 52. What do you mean a libido of a 55 year old? My partner and I have sex on a regular basis. Daily. Sometimes 2 times a day. Please don’t compare a libido to someone who is old. Just say he has no Libido. Don’t offend older folks…
I think he has the right to come wherever he feels safer. It’s his decision, and you are disregarding it. Besides that, if we are serious about women having the decision over their own bodies when it comes to abortion, then the last moment for a man to decide whether he wants to be parent or not, is when he decides to wear a condom or not.
I think you need to respect his decision, and learn to deal with your disappointment.