Long time lurker, first time poster. Just got back (yesterday) from a 5 day stay at the beach with my in laws. It was me (36 f), my husband (36 m), our three kiddos (15, 6 & 2) my husband’s parents (both 60s), my brother in law (30 m) and his wife (30 f) – they have no children. I have been married to my husband for 10 years and am very familiar with his parents, we get along great and I have no issues with them. I have met and spent time with his brother and his wife infrequently – only seen them at some family gatherings, but they have always come across as very agreeable, nice and friendly. They live nearby. We usually discuss videogames as that’s something all four of us have in common. I’ve never had any issues with them but I haven’t spent longer than an hour or two at a time before this week.
My in laws last year said that they booked 5 days at a beach house and expressed that they wanted all of us to come. This was something they as a family did each year and they wanted it to be a new yearly tradition to share with all of us and the grand kids. The house has 3 bedrooms, plenty of beds, 2 tv’s, and easy beach access. Sounded great so we agreed as did my brother in law and his wife.
I quickly realized that whatever my personality is, and whatever my brother in law’s wife personality is: they do not get along. I don’t know if it’s a personality clash or just a disorder at this point. Or both. I am so flustered about the entire situation. This issue was compounded by the fact that the entire vacation my brother in law and his wife occupied both TV’s entirely to themselves playing two separate videogames so they were always around. They never showered and would only leave their games (usually just paused) for meals, sleep, or other very small moments to grab a drink or a snack or in the wife’s case to pester the life out of me. I think they must have mental health issues. For backstory: I was told my brother in law got laid off from work over a year ago, but I wonder now if he had been fired. He mentioned how he was laid off for not coming in to work frequently enough because he would flip a coin to decide if he would go in that day, and you don’t get laid off for that. That would be fired. I kept my mouth shut on that, but was surprised that his parents eagerly agreed with his explanation and they both commented on how the economy is tough right now and lay offs are happening everywhere and he was another victim. Him and his wife are very financially strapped at the moment because of this, he still is not looking for a job and has said he might not work anymore as a 9 – 5 is too stressful. She is working a job she has only had for about 8 months to keep them afloat, but it is hard for her to keep a job. In the short amount of time I’ve known her she has never held a job for longer than a year. They bought a house 2 years ago. Not sure if any of this matters: but maybe it helps paint a picture of what’s going on mentally.
The brother in law stayed in a back bedroom, his wife in the main living area on a large tv. I was frequently there in afternoons because my youngest still takes naps and I wanted to let my husband, (and when the situation allowed it, my kids) to spend time with his parents. Maybe this is what I need to change going forward in the future. But I feel guilty about suggesting it so I’m hoping for a different solution.
We had brought movies for the kids and their nintendo switch for rainy days or down times when the kids were in the house, but the kids never were able to use either tv. Neither was anyone else for that matter. I did ask the sister in law on the first day since she was staying in the main living area once when I was alone with the kids while the youngest napped and she enthusiastically said yes, then invited the kids to watch her. It was not a game they were interested in and she did not involve them at all in playing the game. Eventually they get bored and wandered off. I never said anything after this, I just kept hoping that eventually one of them would stop using a TV and was completely shocked that this never happened. There were also plans to play table games as a family. They only wanted to play these role playing card games. We did all indulge them and learn to play them, but it wasn’t our cup of tea. They were upset when we didn’t immerse ourselves into our characters like they did, but it was strange especially for the parents who are in their 60s and from a different generation, role-playing just isn’t for us. They would agree to play other games with a “sure!” when suggested, but when it was time to play the other games they had enthusiastically agreed to play, they chose the videogames instead. This made the parents sad, so the parents would instead suggest the role playing card games to ensure they would join in so we could all be together as a family. This meant playing the same games again and again that only the brother in law and his wife seemed to really enjoy.
We did have meals as a family, we never ate out at a restaurant because the brother in law and his wife would not leave so we would go out get the food and bring it back to eat as a family. In trying to talk though the sister in law would always interject and change the subject to herself, her family, her experiences. It was really hard to have any conversation as it was often derailed completely. She also kept a phone on the table playing music during meal times which made hearing the other side of the table difficult. She said she does this because the sound of chewing sets off her anxiety. To be clear: everyone there was chewing with their mouth closed except for the 2 year old who is still working on it, he was at the other end of the table though. She did constantly offer tid bits on how to help him get potty trained, how to train him to chew with his mouth closed, how to help his manners. It was strange that she constantly gave unsolicited advice to a room full of parents who have successfully done all of these for their children without any hiccups or issues. I think if it was just the meals I would have been OK, but I was in the house with them alone for afternoons and it completely wore me down. She constantly talks about her many ailments and health problems. I know this sounds petty, even typing this out I’m sitting here questioning if I should even post this because it sounds so trivial. And it IS trivial. But it drove me absolutely bonkers. Here’s a few:
* When I called an ice cream place on the boardwalk to ask about their allergy procedures due to my peanut allergy she told me she too has a peanut allergy. I told her how sorry I was and when did this happen because I don’t remember either of them having a food allergy. She said this year she found out because now her mouth gets itchy when she eats certain candies. I gently explained that’s not a peanut allergy but she could get tested just to put her mind at ease, she seemed to take offense and argued, quite defensively, that her doctor told her it is 100% an allergy and she must take every precaution to avoid it. I was confused why she was so upset about this, so to pacify I did agree that’s a good idea and closed the subject
* She makes seemingly out-of-nowhere statements to herself loudly, but if nobody replies she makes the exact same statement again and again (up to 4 times I observed) until someone responds. For example: she came out around 2 to take medicine, when she got out a bottle of water she said quietly “this is the first thing I’ve had to eat or drink today”. She glanced up and nobody was looking at her or saying anything. So she said it again louder, to herself, and again nobody replied. Then her husband walked out I guess after waking up and she said it again with a sigh this time, he did not hear her so she said it a fourth time. This time he did hear her he then sighed and told her she must take better care of herself then gave her a hug. She seemed happy by his reaction. And to be completely and perfectly honest, he seemed happy to be scolding her for this
* On the cover of a book I’m reading were stars and she came over to interrupt my reading to explain about her poor night vision and how she can’t see stars because of it (?)
* She saw me wearing comfy socks and she explained how she can’t wear soft socks because of her ADD and then sat there for a very long time talking about her ADD issues
* When I was brushing my teeth she came in to tell me her gums bleed when brushing her teeth. I suggested it could be gingivitis and she could try flossing more and she explained that her dentist told her it is not that, that it’s genetic. I dropped the subject because it was silly to argue that
There’s more and they’re all so trivial. But they are constant. It’s a constant stream.
The final straw came on the day before we left. For back-story: when my youngest was born, I developed a rare health problem that took a few ER visits to figure out because some doctors were dismissing me due to some tests coming back normal. Because it took so long to diagnose I almost died. As a result I had panic attacks at night when trying to fall asleep. When I start to drift I will sometimes jolt awake with my heart racing out of control. It makes falling asleep difficult. In the beginning I would sometimes go many days without sleep, so they gave me a prescription for Xantax and although it worked it wasn’t a long term solution so I weened off it and rely on positive affirmations and keeping calm to try to get the panic attacks under control to stay asleep. It took a year to really be able to sleep well for the most part which I am proud of, but sometimes I do still have panic attacks. I don’t talk about it because I find it embarrassing. There are people out there suffering with cancer and far worse things than that little hiccup I dealt with and I feel silly that I have this anxiety issue over something so small. My parent in laws I think do know about it, it’s probably been mentioned by my husband, but I do not think his brother in law or the wife know about it. The one night I must have seemed tired because my husband quietly and obviously privately asked me how I was sleeping, and she must have been eavesdropping because before I could answer him she interjected that she has severe anxiety and panic attacks every night. How awful it is for her to sleep and she takes many medications for it. Her husband consoled her and agreed with how awful it is for her. I told her how sorry I was, and then I quietly retreated to the bathroom. I don’t know why, but I just started crying. I didn’t feel sad I don’t think, just frustrated maybe? While it was happening I was even asking myself why am I crying? This is so stupid. Eventually I cleaned myself up and went back out with a smile on my face and tried to make the best of the rest of the vacation.
When we went home the next day seemingly everyone was happy and spoke about how much they enjoyed the week and couldn’t wait for next year. I felt relief about going home but also sad that the week was such a downer for me. When we got home last night my husband asked me if anything was wrong, and I truly felt fine and told him just so. But after I thought about it, I realized I was still drained and wary for next year. I asked how he enjoyed it, and he said he had fun but was concerned I didn’t have fun. I asked what he thought about his sister in law, and he said she was ‘interesting’. I did not say anything further about her as it didn’t feel right to complain or gossip about her, especially in case the kids catch any of it, but I don’t think he’s at all as bothered as I am. I am dreading the years to come with this vacation. I know she will come each year, even though she and him never left the house they both seemed to enjoy it.
If anyone made it this far:
I need help in how to move forward in the future. How can I handle her better? Is there something I can say or do to help her be less overbearing to me? How can I change my thoughts or actions to make it more tolerable? Any way to gain more patience? Should we not stay at the same place? Should I not go? I don’t think I can do this year after year.
TL;DR: my brother in law’s wife tested my patience to the limit during a family vacation. She constantly chimes in and talks about herself/her ailments/giving unsolicited parental advice incessantly, making any peaceful moment or any conversation that revolves outside of her impossible. How can I make this more tolerable for future vacations?