Recently finished medical training. 35M. Going to be making more than I could ever imagine in salary. Never married, no kids. I’m enjoying the freedom of being single in a coastal city at this time. I’m starting to feel like marriage might be more of a financial risk/potentially mistake at this point. Playing the field has never been easier with dating apps. Am I missing out on life if I decide not to marry or have kids?
30 comments
No one can answer this question for you. Even you might not be able to answer this question for yourself.
You might turn 80 and be happy you never settled down. You might retire in the Bahamas surrounded by 20-year-olds who are happy to wait on you hand and foot as long as you keep buying them designer shoes and handbags.
You might turn 80 and end up alone in assisted living with no one to visit you besides the caregivers who come to give you a shower twice a week and wipe you ass after you go to the bathroom. Maybe you’ll wish you had some kids to come around at that point.
Who knows. It’s hard to tell. A lot of people regret getting married. A lot of people regret *not* getting married. A lot of people feel suffocated by their spouse. Some people feel lonely and wish they had someone to be by their side. Some people end up happy with the decisions they made.
The truth is none of us will know until we’re older and by then it will be too late to make any real changes. You can’t go back.
So whatever you decide, make the most of it.
Decide if you want kids first.
Then decide if you want someone to grow old with when dating becomes old and no longer any fun.
Do you want to live your elder years alone?
Yes 100%, but tbh you’re already coming off as too cynical to succeed in a marriage.
Prenup?
You seem to have consumerist rather than emotional priorities. Nothing wrong with that. I think you’d be better off continuing with your single lifestyle. Marriage might feel too constraining for you.
Nothing better when youre with someone that you want to hang out with all the time. That makes you better. That makes you laugh etc..
Marriage: it’s not just for poor people any more
Speaking from my personal experience, no. I never really knew how skewed the system is against men in a divorce.
My brother and his ex wife were married for over 10 years and he was sooo happy. Then he found out his wife was cheating, then he found out his kids were not his biological kids. He loved them still and wanted 50/50 custody and was more then willing to pay child support and alimony
During the divorce, his ex refused joint custody and the judge went along and denied him any custody or visitation because he was not the children’s father and he had not adopted them.
To add insult to injury, he was still forced to pay child support plus alimony.
So basically she cheated, she got pregnant with two other men’s babies, forcing him to believe he was the father and loving and supportive them.
She suffered absolutely no repercussions and actually was awarded with lifetime alimony
It’s happening more and more. One state, Florida no longer has lifetime alimony and Tennessee is enacting paternity fraud laws with mandatory jail time plus mandatory DNA tests before a birth certificate is issued.
No. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your life on your own or with a companion without kids.
Medical spouse. Took a huge financial risk with marriage to an MD.
I took on the risk of having to pay $300k debt when I married my husband thanks to his student loans and I made / will make triple his salary for the first 10 years of medical school, residency, and fellowship. I fell in love with him the first year of undergrad and we would’ve gotten married whether he was an MD or not.
It’s risky for anyone to get married. But for the right person you’re not caring about finances. The support and joy they bring you as a partner is priceless.
That said I think everyone has different paths and if marriage and kids aren’t for you that’s perfectly valid. Everyone has a different path to happiness.
Congratulations! My advice is to enjoy your career and financial success. Keep your mind an heart open. You will know if and when Mrs. Right shows up in your world.
Marriage is a personal decision, we didn’t get married because of finances we got married, because we love each other and being able to call each other husband and wife is frankly just a lot of fun. I feel like in society there is still a certain level of respect that people have for your partner when you say the word “husband” or “wife” versus just saying “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. I don’t necessarily agree with that stance society has, but we are definitely taken more seriously as a married couple when it comes to things like hospital visits (sometimes only family can see you). If something were to suddenly happen to me and there needed to be a medical decision made, my husband would not be able to make that decision if we weren’t married.
You don’t have to get married, you don’t have to have kids. Everybody has a different preference and it’s up to you. For me personally there was no doubt in my mind about wanting to get married, I wasn’t at all concerned that my advanced degree and salary was going to be stolen by my husband because we are a team.
That’s up to you, just make sure you’re not finding any gold diggers that only care about your money.
I don’t care how much money I have. Coming home to my wife and 8 month old baby girl is honestly immeasurable.
Ultimately only you can answer that I guess.
So….what do you want? That’s all that matters.
For me, I LOVE having a long term committed partner. I do prefer marriage over just BF/GF for life, but that’s partially for the financial benefits you get like tax breaks, and partly because to me, it FEELS more romantic? But I don’t require marriage. I just want that forever person.
I did have kids and they are grown now. I don’t want more, and I’m glad I had the ones I had. They are now my best buddies. But having kids is not for everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with never wanting them.
The things I love about having a partner: that best friend that you are always with. Cooking and eating together. Watching movies. Having sex. Going through life together. That person who always has your back and you have theirs.
To me this is way better than being alone. But I always felt I had a companions soul. I don’t think everyone does. Some are lone wolves.
And I have a very high sex drive. But casual sex is so boring to me. I only crave sex with a true partner. For me it’s the love that causes the lust. But I know there are plenty of people that love casual sex, and love having a variety of partners.
There is no wrong answer here. Only what’s right for you.
Either way be honest with women you are with. And you will be fine.
Money can’t buy you love. I think that’s how the song goes. Having someone love you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you is not something you can replicate with money or status.
What are you missing? A loving relationship, a family, kids and especially grand kids. By the time you realize how important these would be in your life, the opportunity will slip away.
Marriage is most importantly a business agreement. If you wouldn’t go into business with this person, don’t get married. Prenup is very important to protect you as family courts are terribly biased against men. Kids are something I never wanted and my wife and I don’t have kids, however if you’re married and your wife gets pregnant, you will be responsible for the child even if its later found out its not yours. Make sure your values and vision are aligned. Most relationships can’t survive too much differences here. My wife and I are not the same religion, but we both believe in freedom so it works. Both of us were raised to know the value of a dollar and discuss 100% of major purchases ahead of time. There are no guarantees in this world. If you’re not 100 ready don’t do it. If you are (I’m still not after being married 15 years) 100% ready good for you. Most of the time we are happily married. Sometimes not. YMMV.
You’re not the only high-earning person on the planet. It’s quite possible that there are potential partners who would view you as the “financial risk”. The question you are asking is only applicable if you have a particular partner in mind. Otherwise, just date people who earn as much or more than you (or have trust funds, that’s always nice too!) if this concern is paramount to you.
Marriage isn’t worth it no matter what you income is
If you make the mistake of getting married. Prenup and paternity test are a must.
You realize you can marry someone who makes more than you and also doesn’t want kids, right?
Married people will give varied answers here. Breadwinners who have been through a divorce will be disinclined to answer in the affirmative (means no).
No. Unless you’re 100% confident in your ability to pick a good partner, no.
You’re a doc. You’re smart enough to marry well.
You may do better with a prenup than simply living together in some states, so talk to your lawyer friends over beers.
Kids and family are more fun than luxury cars and vacations IMHO.
If you forego marriage and children to avoid the risks, you simultaneously cut yourself off from the most fulfilling and rewarding parts of life.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
You won’t be young forever. Playing the field will get old. Money will lose its meaning because you’ll run out of stuff to buy for yourself.
But giving your life to someone else and receiving it in return? Joining your lives in the project of nurturing new life?
That’s where the good stuff is. Risky? You betcha. Nothing will test you like marriage and parenthood. Nothing will ferret out your selfishness and make you stare at your faults in all of their ugliness.
But nothing is so fulfilling and worth it.
A young man may be admired for playing the field. An old man is pitied.
You will feel this way until you meet the one. That person will naturally change your feelings. Either that happens or it doesn’t.
If I had a father who made tons of money but I never saw? I wouldn’t be happy. I have met a ton of wealthy families but a lot of wives and children are always like “I had everything I ever wanted, but I really wish we could have spent time together” and so on.
So maybe consider that – live a little. Fall in love when it happens. If it does, if you want a family do it- or maybe you meet someone who doesn’t want children or already has children.
Be open.
Finance and material possessions are not the only important factors in life. Valuing your status as a high income earned over everything else shows that you may not have ever experienced true love, or that for you money and status are what’s most important.
I used to question, “if everyone is supposed to be a complete person and I already love my life, what is the point of a relationship, of love?”
It wasn’t until I found it that my question was answered, and I never felt the need to ask it again.
Ultimately, it depends on you. Everything in life has a risk and a cost.
I have some perspective around wanting kids. When I was in my 20s, I worked my ass off trying to climb the corporate ladders. Now in our early 30, my husband and I make a great income and pretty much have everything we could want materialistically. I used to always say that I didn’t know if I wanted kids because I wanted to make a ton of money and travel, enjoying life and having freedom. Well now we do travel and we have been trying to have kids. Ironically, we weren’t able to naturally conceive so now we’re paying thousands of dollars trying to grow our family. I guess my point is, money isn’t always everything.
No you’re not. You’re taking responsibility By not marrying and having kids. Stay single man. The field sucks right now. Lots of people complaining about cheating partners and married people pretending to be single and screwing people over. Unless that’s what you’re into. I’m not judging. But I assume you want to save money and keep more of it. So don’t marry, don’t have kids. You’ll end up paying for someone else’s lifestyle later on.