I’m 30F and met up with the three main women of my group of girlfriends last weekend.
We meet about once a month or so to catch up. Friends for over 6 years.
I have broken up with my partner which one girl knew about and had talked to the others about as “they all has concerns” (but this isn’t unusual and I mostly trust her) .
The others are all engaged or married.
Will call them Amy (F33) , Lisa (F32) , and Carly (F25) for ease.
Exchange of looks/smirks/wide eyes/nods between them (mainly Amy and Lisa) has happened occasionally before, and they can come out with very minor digs at me and other people.
Nothing major though. It has never seemed worth calling out before.
More positive than negative relationship (so I thought)
But it has suddenly become very noticeable and I feel has stepped up a bit…
At times when I talked the older two (Amy and Lisa, best friends) kept exchanging looks/smirking
Then another time Amy and Carly exchanged a look and actually started sniggering.
It was so blatant, I’m hoping they couldn’t be that nasty!
Perhaps I’m reading it wrong and it’s just something non malicious?! And maybe I should have made light of it, I don’t know!
(All I was saying for the one that caused sniggers is that I wouldn’t be asked back onto our old sports team because I wasn’t any good – Carly had said our old coach would be asking us to return soon and asked how each of us felt.)
I’m not really sure what to do or respond to this behaviour. I just brushed it off at the time.
And I’m reluctant to talk about anything personal ever again to them, if I’m right about them being idiots!
I did message Amy the next day and ask if I had done anything or was behaving in a way that caused any issues, and if so would like to sort that.
She just denied anything outright and pleaded ignorance.
She insisted I had nothing to worry about and wasn’t being rude/boring etc and nobody had any problem.
Amy was a big support weeks ago when the break up happened, and usually all are nice.
Lisa is the one who puts on a huge nice persona and boasts a lot/says negative things about other people.
She said a few comments I didn’t like on the night but I managed to ignore, as I know from the past that she would just say someone is taking her comments the wrong way, if anyone tackles her.
We don’t really gel but she comes as part of our group. I always thought we got along fine, just never going to be best friends.
Dont like feeling like I’ve been out back into school and we’re all 13!
Should I avoid them, or is this just what women do, communicating with ‘looks’ but it doesn’t mean anything nasty?
TL;DR: Old friends are usually lovely, but are exchanging increasing amounts of looks and smirks when I talk, and even sniggers.
Want to know if they are not worth it anymore, or if I’m taking it wrong and it’s innocent behaviour in a group, because they strongly deny any issue with me or them.
7 comments
If it happens again, and it bothers you, I’d bring it up in the moment. You can ask what is going on and why they feel the need to act like that. Even if just to say that when they behave like that it comes across negatively and makes you feel uncomfortable.
If they’re good friends, they’ll either apologise and stop or have a reasonable explanation. If they’re being shady, then you can decide if it’s worth continuing those relationships anymore.
It seems like some high school bullshit though on their part. I know I wouldn’t want to continue spending time with people who do that stuff right in front of me. I get that sometimes we annoy each other in relationships and sometimes you just need to vent or blow off steam, but acting like that right in front of you is bullying.
Just use your words and ask them what’s going on
> is this just what women do, communicating with ‘looks’ but it doesn’t mean anything nasty?
People in general communicate non-verbally all the time to convey things like “oh this sounds like what you were talking about earlier” or “wait does she mean the Bob you used to work with?/Yeah that’s the one” or “gosh this is wild!”. “Exchange of looks/…/wide eyes/nods between them” is vague enough that I can easily see it just being normal reactions from people who don’t want to interrupt you out loud.
Smirks and sniggers are less explicable, but you’re so non-specific here that I could easily buy that you’re reading too much into normal expressions.
What is it you suspect they mean by this behaviour? What were you talking about when it happened (or if it happened repeatedly, was there any pattern?)
I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like Lisa. If Amy is best friends with Lisa, it says a lot about her. If they snicker or say something, call them out immediately on the spot. In the meantime, I would look for other friends. No women don’t often communicate with “looks” that way, that sounds like something out out of a teen movie.
Just ask them.
„why are you smirking?“
„what was that look you just exchanged?“
„what‘s so funny about that?“
If they can‘t answer truthfully you can tell them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable.
Hmmmmm well it does sound like they are kinda laughing at inside jokes they have about you? Are they a lot closer to each other? It’s hard to tell. But just like other commenters already said you should straight up ask them what’s so funny and if they try to say nothing keep pushing until they spit it out.
Honestly though idk, I don’t do that to my friends and my girlfriends don’t do it to me, it would make me feel bad. I wouldn’t say women do it frequently.
It definitely sounds like they’re sharing an in-joke at your expense. 🤔 Maybe you brought up a topic or said a phrase that you often do and they were sharing a “here she goes again!” kind of moment? I know at work we kinda share a joke about one guy who always says “*Good morning*” really loudly to everyone when he gets in the office. Like if we’re across the room and hear him say it we might whisper to each other “I guess x just got in” and laugh a little etc. which is more playful/silly than malicious. Maybe it’s something like that.