Well as the title says, I remain having fantasies of the sexual side with my ex during the deed with my lovely girlfriend…
Quick bit of general context, my ex and me split apart bc of issues between us which I won’t expose here but our sex life was perfect in all forms.
Now I am dating a wonderful girl, I truly love her ( similar future ideals, family loves her…) and to be fair she feels perfect for me. Apart from one thing, our libidos are opposites which is perfectly Ok and I presume quite normal. Don’t get me wrong, we have good sex and we are exploring a bit more together and having it twice a week is probably also normal.
But man the match in libidos and sexual style with my ex was perfectly in sync, which sometimes brings my mind back to those times and I feel horrible for it.
How can I get rid of these thoughts as I truly want to be in sync with my girlfriend? Or how can libidos be matched more?
(Btw I did talk openly with my girlfriend about our mismatched libidos and I truly feel she wants the best for us and understands the issue, but it’s still an issue. And I feel like a d*ckhead for it)
TLDR I still have fantasies about the perfect sex life with my ex during my great sex life with my new partner.
43 comments
All advice or similar situations are helpful!
I don’t think you were ready to get into another relationship. It’s honestly cruel to do to your girlfriend. How do you think she would feel if she knew while you were having sex with her you were thinking about your ex instead? You’re in your fantasy and just using her body to get off because you’re not *there* with her. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I don’t think you’re ready for another relationship until you mature a little more. You have to remember someone else’s feelings and emotions are involved too
Definitely a tricky one, there’s really no good way to approach it without sounding like a dick and comparing her to your ex. If the current partner just isn’t as wild then it’s probably not going to change unless you unload everything that was better, a conversation that could be soul destroying and catastrophic for the relationship.
I’ve had crazier sex with some exs that my partner wouldn’t do but the connection you develop when you are with someone for a long time really does outweigh anything. Good luck.
If you’re thinking about your ex while you’re having sex with your gf you need to break up. That’s not ok. Imagine if she was thinking about banging some other guy while having sex with you.
From that title, I thought you see your dead ex haunting you while you did the deed with your gf lol
You’re not ready for a new relationship until you stop pedestaling your ex.
I get your partner has a lower libido but I’m not sure why that means you are fantasizing about another person while having sex with your girlfriend? Wouldn’t that just make you want your actual girlfriend more? Is this really just about libido?
You need to break up with your gf.
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Yuck. Get over your ex before you get with a new girl. gross
I kinda have something similar but not during sex, it’s when I get mad I remember my ex. I thinks the difference is that you still hold your livid onto your ex (which is sad), and I still hold hatred. I can tell you it’s a damaging thing, not just to your own but your health and well-being into the future, I have to think other stuff and so on to just let go the feeling, I think you should sexualice your current gf much more so you don’t remember anything else during sex, if that doesn’t work, break up and heal yourself. Peace bro
If my boyfriend told me that he was thinking about his ex while we were fucking… I would not be held liable for my actions.
This is like super fucking gross imo. She deserves better. Just break up with her and have relations with your hand until you get over your ex. Bad behavior
I think you need to sort those feelings out and the reason behind them. It won’t do you good if you talk or continue fantasizing about your ex as your current GF will get depressed and that will cause anxiety to her not realizing what’s going on. To avoid future troubles, I would suggest you get your head in the game and take some time off for a couple of weeks. Have open communication with your GF about it or hide it from everyone on this planet so she never finds out. Either way, sort it before you step forward in this relationship.
I would say maybe you should try to lower your play time with your current GF to match hers and spend more time finding common grounds and keeping each other company like an old married couple. So once you have completely fallen for her, then you will only fantasize your GF when in bed and won’t want or accept it with anyone else.
Just know that as a man when you open up and tell your true feelings here people “mainly women” are going to attack you. Don’t listen to them. It’s not that your idealizing your ex but you remember how awesome it was having a partner that matched your sexual energy. It’s ok to have these feelings. Once again don’t listen to all the man bashers on here. Men tend to connect with their partners through sex, it’s a fact of being a man. You are being left unhappy in a major part of your relationship as a man and you need to address this with your gf. One of the main things that men value is being desired sexually so I understand that it’s leaving you feeling undesired. She needs to get her hormones checked and find the route cause. If she’s doesn’t have genuine sexual desire for you then you need to unfortunately leave bc if not your going to be left unhappy and you will build up resentment for it. If she has a hormone imbalance then maybe that’s what’s doing it.
U suck, you need to leave her so u can get over ur ex. She doesn’t deserve this.
There’s so many mitigating factors like did your ex cheat or what
Break up with her. She would feel like shit if she found out you were fantasizing about your ex while inside her. And she will find out, because you’ll slip up and say your ex’s name in bed one of these days.
You are being incredibly selfish. You are using her .
if my bf told me this my whole entire year would be ruined and i’d 100% break up with him omg
You’re not ready to be in any relationship respectfully. How would you feel if it was the opposite? It would make you feel less than and inadequate. If you stay, you’re going to hurt a good woman. Don’t be that guy. Be a real man and stay single. It’s disrespectful to her.
I mean this with all due respect, but I do not think your girlfriend has anything to do with this.
If you have a high libido and your girlfriend – who you love intensely but who has a lower libido than you – actually *wants* to have sex, you should be over the moon about that. That should be ticking all the boxes for you. You’re getting sex *and* you’re getting it with the person you love! Instead, your mind is wandering to someone else. (To be clear, minds wander! I’m not faulting you for sometimes getting distracted or even actively fantasizing during the deed. That’s normal. The issue is that you’re claiming to want more (or better) sex with your girlfriend, but then when you *do* have sex with her you’re using that time to think about someone else. So it’s really not an issue of frequency or quality at all.)
I applaud your wanting to fix this, and though I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about what’s going on here, I sympathize with how badly this must be making you feel. You can’t address a problem until you’re ready to be honest about what the problem is though. Mismatched libidos do compromise compatibility in a relationship, but that’s not what this is.
You’re fantasizing about your ex for reasons that have nothing to do with your girlfriend – or what she does/does not bring to the table. After all, you could fantasize about any number of things: porn, models, made-up scenarios involving strangers, something hot your girlfriend did the last time you two had sex, etc. That you’ve latched onto your ex-girlfriend, specifically, has everything to do with *you* and nothing to do with your girlfriend.
Good luck!
If you’re being open and honest with your current partner I think you guys can definitely work through it! I don’t mean telling her every detail. Start focusing on new things between you and your partner you share that you love or enjoy and embrace those parts of intimacy.
I think you’re over your ex. I think you just shared incredible chemistry. I have an ex who is a complete d*ck. Nothing about him makes me think anymore that he’s the one, however the sex was indeed earth moving, in every way. Seriously, I could write novels about it. The thing is sometimes chemistry is hard to let go of. You may never find someone so completely matched to you sexually as your ex was, and that’s ok. As long as you continue to try to be the best partner to your current girlfriend and are honest about feeling mismatched libido-wise. It’s probably never going to be a good idea to tell her about the ex, but do keep an open mind to growing a healthy sex life. I’ve been married now for 30 years to a man who gets me in every way, and the sex is great. Really. It’s just not like it was with the ex. And that’s more than ok, because I’m respected and loved. And that makes all the difference.
Good luck to you.
Delete all the old pictures and stuff of your ex and block her on any social media stuff so you can’t see her. If you think about her, slap yourself in the face.
Plaster pictures of your girlfriend everywhere.
Become super flirty and romantic with your new girlfriend, her libido and I presume initiating of things is less than yours so you need to make up for it. Double up on it now. Tell her she is beautiful and sexy and say stuff in the morning like I can’t wait until we are together tonight because of all the things I want to do to you. Then imagine and think about all the things you want to do to her all day long. Then carry out your plan every night.
Every time the ex pops into your head.. think of all those things that ended the relationship and give your girl more air time in your head
And while your at keep learning what truly turns her on And push all of those buttons
The more pleased she is the better
Are you trauma bonded to your ex? Was the relationship toxic? Because sometimes that can feel like amazing sex when it’s actually just chasing highs and lows. Are you over your ex?
If you have a fulfilling sex life, and you don’t feel like the relationship is missing anything in general, you shouldn’t be hung up on the sex with the ex like that.
Why can’t you just be like a regular guy & picture Jessica Alba when you’re givin your old lady some pipe.. unbelievable, get it together pal
Am I the only one here who thinks it’s ok to think or fantasize about someone else while engaged in the act with someone?
No one needs to know, keep it to yourself and work on getting over your ex.
She’s taking up space in your life and you need to let her go.
I can’t for one minute guarantee my husband doesn’t imagine someone else sometimes- maybe he has never or maybe he does all the time. 🤷🏼♀️ we’ll never know.
But you need to get over her in some way.
Man I was hoping for a good ghost story and to crack on the crazy guy! Just Jack off to you ex and live in the moment with your current girlfriend. Problem solved 😂
Totally understand, no advice but it’s a difficult situation. Let me know when you figure it out! (29F here with a lovely partner in the same situation.)
Sorry mate, I can wholeheartedly agree on these comments. You’re not over your ex and your not being fair to your current GF if you fantasise about your ex during sex. If my BF did that to me, I would feel so betrayed and honestly, not truly wanted. You are lucky she still wants to be with you after having that conversation, but I do commend you on your honesty. I would take on board all of these comments before making any decisions on what to do next. Good luck x
I notice your ex was older, possibly more experienced and assured with what she wanted in the bedroom, you new girlfriend is younger, possibly even her upbringing might impact on her views on sex at this age, so please factor that into the equation. If she was able to have three years of incredible sex with other guys to find out what she really wants and likes in bed she would probably be a different person in bed – but maybe not.
Ok this is going to sound shallow but here we go – sex is actually a big part of a relationship. If one partner really only wants sex once or twice a week, and the other wants sex twice a day – its actually a relationship incompatibility. Sure you could both move towards a middle ground – so sex at least four times a week, but you both have to agree to make that work.
Likewise if someone wants a dom/sub relationship or open relationship, or whatever, and their partner is strictly vanilla and monogamy based, it’s a relationship incompatibility. Some of these sexual wants or needs are going to make that a nightmare long term for the partners involved.
It is not fair to your current girlfriend that you are comparing her and finding her lacking. If her libido is not compatible with yours (and it’s not a repressed sexuality from a religious or traditional old school upbringing) then rather break up with her now and let her find someone who matches her and will love her without some unfair comparison.
Imagine if her ex had some magic mike moves and everytime she’s with you she’s comparing your size and technique and thinking – right his size is meh, and his technique is average, but he’s such a nice guy… how much longer do I have to continue this round of sex… let’s picture ex and his moves, ooh and his abs… close my eyes – he must be nearly done, he’s all about quantity not quality…
If you found out that she was comparing your twice a week and tolerating it because, shame… you would be devastated.
Rather break up and I am sure, the wonderful young woman you’ve described, will be snapped up by someone in no time.
Apparently nobody on Reddit has had an intrusive thought during sex. Leave this dude alone. He’s not a monster. Most men wouldn’t even second guess these thoughts.
How long have you been with your current gf?
How long were you with your ex?
How long has it been since you broke up with your ex?
Ex for a reason. Let it go
Do not marry someone with whom you are not well-matched sexually. Just don’t, it won’t end well. Unlike most here, I’m not down with thought police— who cares what you’re thinking of in the act— but sex drives that are out of sync will be unhappy for both of you.
Honestly it totally makes sense. Sometimes our ex’s do have good traits that haunt us, and there have been plenty of women who liked their current boyfriends but fantasized about their ex’s for similar reasons. It happens to all kinds of people.
It’s obvious that you don’t WANT to be having these thoughts and fantasies, because you really appreciate your current girlfriend!
My suggestion is to try focusing on staying in the moment with your current girlfriend. Keep your eyes open, look at and enjoy the things that turn you on, listen to her voice, and enjoy developing your shared sex life further. Eventually, your memories of your ex will fade a bit, and meanwhile you’ll be concentrating on your current girlfriend and getting more and more turned on by her over time.
Before you date semone to be your serious relationship asks her first if she have high libido so u can match with yours. I think you should have more into sexual relationship like hookups, fwb etc. You’re not ready for relationship yet. You should have sex every girls you want without commitment. BTW, you should have go to therapists if you can’t moved on with your ex. It’s useless if you keep wanting a serious relationship but you can’t still move on with your ex esp during your sex with your current gf. You made her a rebound relationship if you keep thinking your ex. Get help and heal yourself first to forget your ex before dating serious relationship go to therapists or sex consultant to help you with that.
I mean, the crazy ones are always the best in bed, but the best in bed are always the crazy ones. I completely get this. I spent the entirety of my 20s in and out of the most incredibly passionate sexual, yet psychologically and emotionally toxic relationship you could imagine. It took a decade get f**ked stupid before i realized she was a sociopath and a compulsive liar.
Amazing sex is amazing, no doubt, but it is only one facet of a relationship, and it isn’t always the most critical. In my 30s I got wise (Better late than never), met and was fortunate enough to marry an incredibly beautiful woman who has nowhere near the libido i do, but engages me on so many more levels than my ex ever did, nd is an incredible mother to my two gorgeous little girls.
I’m not gonna lie, there have been some incredibly frustrating nights, and i have dipped into that well of the old spank bank on many occasions, but there’s a reason why it’s in the past. Don’t let your judgment get clouded by looking at the past through pink lenses.
Maybe your ex would be up for a FWB situation
Your mind is your own personal space, invite who you want to f*ck in it.
Why everybody is hating on the guy. Things like this happen. Atleast he’s communucating with his girl.
I think it’s not about just the sex, I really think you’re still attracted to your ex. You are not completely over her, which is fine. The wise thing to do here would be to take a break to figure things out. Do not tell your gf that you’re thinking about your ex while having sex with her, this will break her. Take a break and get some perspective.
OP, don’t be mean and cruel. OMG your poor girlfriend…
Poor gf…
I have zero advice for you but I can say we’re now buddies with the same issues lol.
I’ve been with hubby for now 16yrs, we split up like 2yrs ago for 8 months then got back together. The guy I dated during that(very mentally unhealthy) time still pops in my head sexually. I just ignore it and over time I have gotten over him(but he is still in my head). Accepted that what I have now is much better as a whole. – just push it right down into those recesses you don’t let anyone see