I (27F) have been with my bf (27M) for the last 8 years. In the first two years of our relationship it was all good until his family got involved and the fights progressed between us for the last 5 years. At the 7 year mark his family was completely removed from the equation and we were left to pick up our relationship without those causing the problem. I thought this was a time to improve and go back to how we were when we first fell for each other. In the recent months we’ve been fighting a lot about stupid things and misunderstandings.
Recently I started to look to him for a lot of help when he was going through his own career ending struggles. I knew his struggles were bad so I wanted to help him. I told him that I will take care of everything from cooking cleaning house chores whatnot, all he needs to do is study. In the midst of all of this, I needed his emotional support and needed his presence like I’ve always been used to. This past weekend the fight escalated and he told me his problems in depth. A depth which I hadn’t known before. We both started therapy but it’s too soon to tell how that is helping.
Yesterday we had a misunderstanding and he said maybe we should reconsider this relationship. In my frustration I said okay I’ll give you what you want. He asked for some time, I said no I want you to make a decision now. I said this because when we broke up a few years ago, he said give me time and still broke up with me. This seemed like a repeat. I was hoping he would tell me let’s try again. I begged and pleaded to give it another chance. He said okay after saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Then after hours of talking he said his feelings for me conflict with feelings for himself because his cup is empty. Now he asked for a new routine which means for the next one year we live as if we’re in a long distance relationship so that he can work on himself without feeling obligated to attend to me. That means we spend time for a few hours on the weekend when it’s possible but that’s all I will get.
Today is the first day.. we’ve exchanged 4 messages..1 where I told him food is ready to eat and the other asking if he wants to grab a coffee. He ate food and left. Said no to the coffee. Not a word since then.
If I made realizations and I’m trying to fix my mistakes, how will he even know I’ve made amends if he doesn’t even interact with me anymore?
I don’t know if I explained this well.. but any advice would be good. Thank you all.
Tl:dr bf of 8 years wants a 1 year hiatus after problems. Wants to pretend we are in a long distance type of situation to work on himself but telling me we are still together.
21 comments
I’d be asking him to spell out exactly what he needs to “work on” that he can’t work on while *not* on a break.
Living in the same house and pretending to be long distance? That the dumbest fucding thing I’ve ever heard. Long distance and still cooking for him? In home ghosting? Doesn’t sound very fair to you. What are you getting out of this. I usually take side of the relationship, but come on! This is complete bs.. you’re a free maid. Give him what he wants move out go see/stay with your folks or whatever. And don’t tell him shit If he doesn’t call or text to find out what’s up. Like that day/ night. Well you got your answer.
I just want to apologize before anybody gets mad or starts insulting me. I’ve been with this man and made him my world for so long. I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I think I’m fighting for my relationship but others may not see it that way and I’m trying to understand
Girl, find your self esteem. This man is over you but wants you hanging on in case he can’t find better
If he has no feelings left for you, what’s the sense in staying with him?
As someone who did the whole breakup and get back together and constantly fighting for a relationship to work because of how long we were together and how much I loved them I know how much it must hurt to hear these things and go through this.
What you need to ask yourself is will YOU ever be able to recover from this? I know you love him, but after hearing words like that he’s lost feelings for you after so many years and that he wants time apart from you, do you think you’ll ever be able to honestly feel safe and comfortable in this relationship again even if you do work things out?
That’s the question I had to ask myself and I realized I would never be able to undo the hurt I felt from not being prioritized and I would never feel truly respected in that relationship. I left a year ago and things are going so much better now. It was ridiculously hard and I still miss them sometimes but the mental pain I was going through to cater to their needs was too much and I’ve realized since that that isn’t normal in a secure relationship. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you 🙂
Okay OP…I dont want to sound harsh but I’m just going to have to come out and day this.
Yes, it’s over and I am very sorry.
Hes saying these kinds of things so he doesnt have to be the bad guy and its leaving you in an extremely vulnerable position where your hurt and desperate to keep him. Taking a break for a year and then coming back to see if things work isn’t going to work. It sounds like he wants to be single for a while and try being with other people but keep you in his back pocket just in case something doesn’t work out. My husband and I know someone who did this to his girlfriend for over ten years. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!! I know this is extremely hard for you and definitely not what you want to hear, but you need to hear it so you can begin to move on and enjoy your life. Yes, eight years is very difficult to write off and this hurt won’t go away overnight but it will go away. My advice to you is to realize that its over and calmly express to him that it is for the best that you split. After that, begin to rebuild and reinvent yourself. Take up a new hobby, make new friends, go places and do things you never thought you’d do, but do it for you! In time things will get better and you will be happier.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
He wants to leave you but your theatrics made him cave in the moment that’s where this “let’s pretend we’re long distance ” nonsense came from. IMO it’s over.
Guys are difficult. My wife & I are struggling as well. First time in my life I’ve been unemployed, haven’t been able to pay my own bills & generally feel like a loser.
What I wish my wife would understand is I’m going through daily, nonstop stress. My mind is on repeat: how am I going to make this work? 24/7. None of it seems up to me. I’m at the mercy of other people saying yes. I don’t seem to have any control over the outcome. In other words, I feel helpless.
On top of it, I feel guilty & ashamed that she has to pick up the slack for us to survive. I’ve never needed that before & she’s become resentful due to the inequity.
I know every relationship is different, & reddit loves to say find someone else, but if he’s anything like me, he’s retreating bc he feels inadequate & he doesn’t know how to fix it. Also, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. These hard times, if you commit to overcoming them, they can strengthen your relationship & bring you closer in the future.
I am committed to my wife no matter what. All I can do is hope she does the same for me.
Can you provide more context as to why the family was involved in your relationship? Just because they’re out of your lives doesn’t mean their impact is no longer there. And what is his “problem in depth”. What is this “misunderstanding” you had yesterday. This is so vague and it feels like you’re hiding something.
However to sum up, he has little to no romantic feelings to you anymore. But he’s not able to commit to break up because you begged him back. It hurts but if you have to let it go. You don’t even sound happy in this relationship.
Perhaps you’re fighting over the memories you’ve built for 8 years. Perhaps you’re stubborn since the family is finally out of the picture and you don’t want to lose. Perhaps you love him. But these are not good reasons to force someone to stay with you when they don’t love you, don’t try and when you’re not happy.
HUGE changes go on in almost everyone’s life between the teenage years and the age you are now. Very few who are compatible when you first started dating are still compatible at the age ÿou are now. Add in growth and maturing and discovering who you are and what you need in a partner… add in family conflicts and trials and mental health struggles… It gets harder and harder.
We can tell you love him. We can tell what kind of expectations you have for a reciprocal relationship (completely understandable). No matter whether he has bad intentions and ulterior motives or is just really struggling and has no capacity to care for anyone else… either way, he is not capable or willing to be in the type of relationship that you want (and likely deserve) and need right now. It is difficult (understatement) for you to face that right now, and that makes sense to all of us. But, even with all of the feelings and history involved, it does not make logical sense for you to remain in a situation where you are lonely, feel abandoned, have been told he would rather break up, he leaves your texts on unread, he doesn’t respond to requests, you’re required to meave space in your life for him which he may not fill later… In this case, having just a small piece of him ISN’T better than having none of him. Why? Because your hopes will continue to linger. You will continue to want him to engage. You will keep longing for him to respond and interact with you a bit more than he did the days and weeks before. If he continues in this way (and he has given you every indication that he will and with no guarantee that you will fully get back together), his small responses and lack of responses will continue to pick away at the wound that you have…. keeping it raw instead of letting you heal and move on.
Give him what he asked for initially… breaking up. I know it doesn’t feel like it and it will be incredibly hard, but it is the best thing for both of you. And, tell him that, if and when he is doing better, he can seek you out and see if something can develop then if he wants it and if you are not already taken. But, don’t “hang your hat on that hope,” so to speak. Don’t bet on that happening. Free yourself from this situation that will continue to be a hurt and a disappointment to you and allow yourself to heal. Don’t put your life on hold for something that isn’t sure or isn’t likely to work out in your favor. He is giving you little to no reassurance for the future. Don’t spend even more time on him (8 years, 9 years, 10 years…) when you could leave this situation now, be thankful for what you’ve learned from it, take time to heal, and then seek out someone who truly is seeking out you in return. Especially if you want children, this is vital.
So, yes, your relationship as you want it and have known it is over. And, he won’t give you what you want anytime soon, if at all. As long as your hopes are set on that, you will continue to be in pain. He has given you all of the information. Your mind has to get past all of the feelings and tell you to stop actively leaving yourself in a situation which is causing you pain. At some point, he is no longer doing something to you. At some point, it becomes you leaving yourself in that situation which causes pain. I wish you the best, and I’m sorry this has happened.
Look OP
You deserve certainty. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have never split. Splitting up isn’t normal in a relationship, nor is it healthy. The *average romantic relationship* has some basic fundamentals: attraction, respect, and trust. Without those 3 pillars, the entire thing collapses.
He doesn’t respect you. He’s asking you to put your life on hold for another year so he can focus on himself? He wants you to wait around so he can “become the man you deserve”? He doesn’t want to be in a relationship but wants a few hours when it’s convenient to do what? Have sexy time? Does that still mean exclusivity? If not, then why can’t you maintain the relationship? He wants you on hold so he can explore other options. He wants to move you to the back burner. He respects you so little that he had the audacity to ask this of you.
Free yourself, and go in a journey to find yourself. Love yourself, respect yourself, and when you expect it the least someone may just come along and show you the love you deserve.
Send him to him family. Allow them to pay his way and take care of him. You are not his maid with benefits. It sounds like he’s using you for his wants because you are allowing it and has checked out on you in the relationship.
Love yourself first and move on. This is not healthy for your mental.
How about working on yourself, just like what your therapist recommended, while assuming the relationship is already over? After the 1 year hiatus, if he still wants to be with you and you with him, consider it a bonus. Otherwise, if you are single, happy, and don’t need him back into your life, you already got your answer 1 year from now.
Why would you want to be with someone who straight told you he doesn’t like you and doesn’t have feelings for you? You’re only 27 and you’ve been fighting for 5 straight years.
I understand the almost a decade of sacrifices together but after hearing the “No feelings for you”, that should have been the end of it
This is a sad situation. I think it’s totally natural to lose feelings for someone you always have conflict with. I don’t know if this is salvageable, but your main priority should be yourself. You should also consider looking it Codependents Anonymous because you’ve described a lot of the hallmarks of that dynamic. Therapy will definitely help, ask about your attachment style and how you can become more securely attached
Ug take a bit more accountability, you scream and bash things and have ‘traumatized’ him, now you’re begging – you sound abusive and I think he’s trying to break up with you in a way that keeps him safe
No dear, he is keeping you as a back up. Do Not be his back up plan. Break up amicably NOW.
I kind of know your situation, but we don’t know you, him or his family personally. I read in another comment that you feel guilty for „messing up and bringing him here“ what do you mean by that?
And also what i think is an important question to ask is: Why did/do you beg him to stay or to come back? If the answer is love then what exactly do you love about him?
> he asked for a new routine which means for the next one year we live as if we’re in a long distance relationship so that he can work on himself without feeling obligated to attend to me.
> Today is the first day.. we’ve exchanged 4 messages..1 where I told him food is ready to eat and the other asking if he wants to grab a coffee. He ate food and left. Said no to the coffee. Not a word since then.
Wait…
He wants to act like you’re “long distance” **whilst you live together?**
Can you not see how desperately this guy wants to be out of his relationship with you? Do you not think you deserve better than *this*?