So, I’ve always known my son had an interest in men. He was slow on the pick up of incognito mode, and from the searches he made, I figured he was at least “Bi-curious” (if that’s the proper term for it) since he hit puberty. Well, last year, he started bringing a boy around, and it was obvious they were dating, to the point I figured that he knew I knew, and it wanst a big deal to anyone.
Well, apparently, I was wrong.
After school yesterday he and his boyfriend came up to me and said there was something really important they needed to tell me. My son said that they were dating and had been for a year. Well… I was surprised that he wasn’t aware I knew and was a bit thrown off. My mouth moved faster than my brain and I said “Well, thats pretty fucking gay.”
Now, I thought it was peak comedy, since it is infact gay. However, I understand using the word gay in that way gives it a very negative undertone, hence the mouth faster than brain comment.
Now my son and I are usually pretty “edgy” with our humor, this being fairly tame for the stuff we joke about. While probably not appropriate for the situation, it wasn’t our norm for a conversation between us. However, he and his boyfriend were very, very upset and left.
He currently won’t respond to my texts or calls. Some advice on how to apologize would be truly appreciated.
18 comments
Here is how I would suggest apologizing:
– Have a sincere face-to-face conversation when you both have had time to cool off.
– Start by acknowledging his feelings were hurt. Say something like “I know my joke really upset you, and I’m sorry about that.”
– Take full responsibility without excuses. “I should not have joked about something so important to you. It was inappropriate and disrespectful.”
– Explain you understand coming out is difficult and he deserved your support. “Coming out to someone is a big deal, and you trusted me enough to share this with me.”
– Apologize unconditionally. “I’m sorry. I hurt you and I will do better.”
– Reaffirm your love and acceptance. “I love you for who you are no matter what. You have my full support in living your truth.”
– Ask how you can rebuild trust. Listen without being defensive.
– Suggest reading about lgbtq+ issues together so you can better understand his perspective.
– Follow up with changed behavior over time through your words and actions.
The key is sincerely acknowledging the harm, taking responsibility without excuses, and pledging to do better going forward through understanding and support. With effort, he’ll see your apology is real.
I’m sorry but this is too funny
You seem like a great dad. One day, hopefully soon, you all will look back on this and laugh.
Tell him you knew all along and have non problems with him
Use your words. “I’m sorry for making a hurtful and shitty comment during a vulnerable moment for you. I love and accept you. I’m so thankful you trusted me with this information, and I deeply regret how I handled it in the moment. I recognize you may need some more space to process how I handled things. I am here whenever you’re ready to talk again.”
> “Well, thats pretty fucking gay.”
Oh man, I fucking felt this. This is some shit I’d 100% say in the same situation thinking I was funny.
He’ll be fine, just apologise, it was probably a shock to him and he’s been worried about telling you etc so he wasn’t expecting the response and has taken it negatively.
When he forgives you, you NEED to double down and point out that it was just a joke by doing another, equally edgy joke. “Now son, I don’t mind you being gay, but I’m not going to stand for you acting like such a queen over a joke” repeat until he realises its just dad jokes amd being gay isn’t that big of an issue for you
You’ve already gotten advice on how to apologise but I think it would be nice to suggest taking them out for some kind of special treat, like a favourite food place, fancy icecreams, entertainment they like, etc. Just to help heal the mood & give a chance for a more positive thing for them to remember about your son’s coming out & boyfriend intro moment.
Outside of that horribly timed joke it sounds like you’re being a good dad and I have confidence you can turn this around 🙂
OP honestly I think sincerity is the best thing here as someone who has a good close relationship with their father, but also had a really bad experience coming out to him (as Bi so different but has some parrallels I was in a opposite sex relationship at the time) you’ll be fine as long as you continue to show and express how much you love your son and that you just want him to do what makes him happy. Although contrary to some other comments I would not make a joke about being gay during your apology a self deprecating joke might play a bit better in that situation
Tell him sorry and let it slide. Could have been his partners reaction to it, not his. Honestly, could be 101 things.. but you’re his dad and not upset by the news. Just let it go for now.
He’s allowed to be hurt, it may not have sounded bad to you but it came from someone he trusted and feels safe with he’s probably as taken off guard by you saying it as you are by him not thinking you knew.
1)take said son to their fav food place
2) write a card even a note on a piece of paper saying “please remember I’m old, all of this is still new to me and I am still learning, I fckd up I’m sorry … if you can find the meme “text from mum” where mums like “grandma died lol” cause she thinks lol means lots of love … make that into the card
3) I think it would be good to share when you knew they were gay etc … this will help them understand that you “see” them, they’re not invisible and you’re ok with who they are.
4) explain you misread the room and thought he knew your relationship with him well enough to be able to make that joke … clearly not
Apologies to our children, set up our grandchildren empathy
RemindMe! 1 day
I laughed. It was funny.
Your son will come around.
You’re joke was rly funny just poorly timed, probably would’ve gone over better if he was already out.
Just sincerely apologize and tell him you love him and didn’t mean to hurt him, and also probably hold off on gay jokes until he starts making them himself
Bi man here who didn’t have a great reaction to coming out. I’d talk to your son first, explain what happened but really emphasize your acceptance and explain the “joke” as just a misunderstanding of how you thought he knew you knew. It’s important to recognize what a vulnerable moment it was for him to come out to you and that you fucked up at the time. I would invite the boyfriend over as well and apologize to him, especially as you don’t know what his home situation is and offer your own love and support. Beyond that it’s just your son’s choice to forgive and move on. It sounds like you guys have a good relationship so if you take this on carefully and with empathy I think you’ll both be okay. Best of luck!
“I am so sorry that I hurt you and your boyfriend! I made a bad joke but what you need to know now, more than anything, is that I love you for exactly who you are! Being gay has no impact on that for me. On reflection I understand that it took a lot for you to come to me with your news but at the time, my brain farted and I can see how it wasn’t the right time or place for me to say what I did. I am so happy for you that you found someone who sees you for the awesome person you are!”
Please do NOT say, “I love you no matter what!” or “I love you even if you’re gay!”. That implies that you think his being gay is something you tolerate rather than simply accept.
Be sure he knows that you knew and was sure he realized it. The context was, “I thought you knew and understood my support. I sorry, I see now it was a bigger deal to verbalize it than I realized.”
Others gave advice, I just want to say that was amazing xD I can’t stop laughing. Your son has a long way to grow to be a man. But I hope soon you’ll be all able to laugh about it.
Joke was hilarious, but he probably wanted some reassurance. Just take ownership of it and be sincere and you’ll be fine I think