As agreed, my ex and I met up a few days ago in a local cafe and I got there early to try and work out what I was going to say to her after three years. While I hadn’t mentioned it in my original post, I had no intention of bringing our daughter along (my ex had contact numbers of my family members so she was with a co-worker) and when my ex arrived, she was a little disappointed but not all that surprised to see I was alone.
The next few minutes mainly consisted of small talk before we eventually addressed the enormous elephant in the room. Where she had been hiding for three years of our daughtrs life? She admitted that she’d had suffered a lot with post partum depression and she couldn’t bear to show it in front of our girl. She acknowledged that leaving the way she did was wrong but she wanted to be able to focus solely on herself while she got therapy. I asked why it took her three years to resurface (she sent a text for our daughter’s first birthday but that was it) and she broke down admitting that she was so scared of what I thought of her for disappearing. In a way she was right to be scared because while I could come to terms with being dumped, I was furious because she left our daughter. Throughout our conversation, I could tell she’s grown a lot as a person over the last few years which is something.
We spoke for well over an hour and when I finally got up to leave, she asked where we stood. I told her that I appreciate that she’s been really trying to turn over a new leaf but it’s going to take time for me to fully move on but as a show of good faith, I showed her a video of our girl. It’s about six/seven months old but it’s my favourite. (It’s her and one of my dad’s cows mooing at each other)
Just before I left, I got her phone number so we can maintain a bit of proper contact rather than through social media and I agreed to send her a couple of photos of our girl. I appreciate all the advice I got last time and I’m wondering where my ex and I go from here? My hope is that we can coexist and maintain a healthy friendship for our daughter’s sake but after what happened before, it’s hard to fully trust my ex. What do you guys think
Side note: Two things I didn’t mention to my ex.
1. I have zero intentions of rekindling our relationship. I’m open to co-parenting if she can prove she’s not going to pull another disappearing act but that’s it. I really loved her once but I’m a different person now and that ship has well and truly sailed.
2. At one point, I considered putting our girl up for adoption. She was about nine months at the time, I was mentally and emotionally drained, work was stressing me out and coming home to my daughter just didn’t give me any joy as much as I love her. I was going through the process but one night, I looked in at her in her cot, she looked back at me and the look on her little face. A cute little smile and her blue eyes shining like I was her whole world. It told me that things would get better so I cancelled the adoption and never looked back.
Original Post
My (27M) ex-girlfriend (26F) wants to try again
by u/SeanMc96 in relationship_advice
13 comments
Sounds like it went well, all things considered, and like your instincts on how to handle the situation are solid. I hope she has changed enough that she can be part of your daughter’s life in time.
Good for you man. I would have said don’t meet her except the kid changes things. You’re clearly putting your daughter first and that’s great.
Don’t trust this woman. She’ll disappear again when it becomes “too much”.
If you do decide to coparent (and I have my doubts that you should), make sure that her time with your daughter is supervised, at least until she’s old enough to call you if (when) something bad happens.
I can empathise with you seeing that she has grown, I’m very sure she has, but never forget that what she did was insanely irresponsible and could have ended so much worse. What if something had happened to you, and your daughter had been taken into care, or worse?
Your ex is very lucky to be in a position where she may still be able to have contact with your daughter. She could have disappeared into the foster system or been adopted by someone who lives hundreds of miles away.
So whatever you do, don’t forget that your ex’s actions were, in effect, her saying she didn’t care whether your daughter lived or died. Anything could have happened to your daughter, your ex would have not been in a position to save her, and your ex was either consciously aware of this, or didn’t care enough to consider it
>I could tell she’s grown a lot as a person over the last few years which is something.
I’d like to adjust your statement and be more precise: in the limited time you talked with her, it seemed she has grown a lot as a person.
I’m not contradicting you, I’m not saying she hasn’t. Just saying that people can tell nice stories and reality could be different from what you observed.
Sounds very reasonable. I wish you the best of luck.
The dad every kid needs ❤️
I commend you for being brave and willing to co-parent with your ex. Do things right and definitely follow things to a T so your daughter never gets pulled in the middle.
I wish the best for you and your little one.
Get your girl some child support bro
Lets goo, give it a try, give to her the 2º chance to break your little girl heart, but this time she will remember because of the age don’t you think?
You are a good dad and you’re doing a great job for your daughter.
First things first, get a lawyer. Where does she live? Where does she work? Establish child support if she isn’t any way entitled to see the child. Establish all the good and proper thingslegally for your daughter and then go from there. Just taking the basic steps of financial responsibility is the bare minimum, but that child will always need. Established in these things will not give her a road back if she doesn’t meet her commitments. She can’t fly in and out of that child’s life whenever she has a hard time.
My daughters father hasn’t seen her since 2016 by his choice. I made a very strict parenting plan that he didn’t oppose. After two years of consistent monthly FaceTime calls, he could see her in person. Never overnight trips and always in the city we live. He tried to text her for a bit but texting 9 year olds? Anyways, set strong boundaries and make sure you and her abide by them.
Well I think you are doing everything right with the exception that you have not mentioned anything about establishing child abandonment and primary custody. You should see a lawyer about that immediatey if you haven’t already. Similarly with child support (which should be retrospective).
WTF was she doing for the last 3 years? What did her friends and family say was going on with her in that time frame?