(M26) Feeling pushed out from my friends’ group, unsure about how to act

Well, I find myself in a rather unclear situation here. I want to talk about the main point of this post, which is that I somehow ended up getting edged out of the friends group (7 males, 25-26 years). But there are also a few things about the whole situation that I just can’t wrap my head around.

But before diving in, I’d like to provide a TLDR:

• Experienced being ghosted by a friend (ironically, when I needed help).

• Being sidelined from the group of friends and feeling upset about all of this

• Currently uncertain about my status within the group and unsure how to navigate my actions and reactions.

Now, the whole story:

So, I have this group of friends that I’ve been hanging out with for about a year or two. We just clicked and started hanging out naturally, hitting the clubs, and even going on trips together. You know how it is in any group, there’s usually that one person who holds everything together, the ‘social glue’ of the crew. I basically got into the group through that person. By the way, they’ve all known each other since they were kids, and I’m the first ‘outsider’ they’ve actually let into the circle. It’s a tight-knit all-guys crew, all in their mid-20s. Now, I get it that my relationship with that person played a part in this. He’s a cool dude, although I’ve got to admit, he can be a bit impulsive and unpredictable, likes to dabble in drugs and booze. For the sake of this story, let’s call him A, just to keep things simple. So, we’ve been hanging out, and I’ve gotten pretty close with each of them individually. They’re awesome guys, and I honestly felt like they were my crew.

My story continues with an explanation of recent events:

Lately, A and I seem to have grown apart a bit. It’s normal though – relationships have their ups and downs. Still, we’ve been hanging out and having fun. Then, in June, I needed A’s help. I called, but no answer. Figured he was busy, so I tried again after 6 or 7 hours. It was urgent; I needed a tool to fix something at home. But once more, no response. So, I messaged him, but no reply. Complete silence. This incident, at least how it feels to me, marked a turning point.

We have a group chat for coordinating activities like get-togethers and outings. I sent out invites twice after that day, but didn’t get any positive responses. Some guys had separate plans, and it felt strange not meeting them for about two weeks. Normally, we hang out once or twice a week.

After three weeks, I felt like socializing and called a close friend from the group to grab a beer. Surprisingly, they were already planning to meet at a pub. It hit me that I had been left out – we usually meet weekly for drinks. I sensed I was somehow excluded, even though the guy invited me. It was odd they never mentioned it in the group chat. Nonetheless, I didn’t dwell on it. I joined them at the pub as scheduled, and we had a great evening as if nothing had changed.

Later, I noticed I was consistently left out of gatherings and stopped asking about them. I began to realize there was something happening, though I didn’t let it consume me; I considered it coincidental. I even reached out to A, suggesting a theater visit, but he seemed unsure. By pure coincidence, a few days later, I was working late into the evening and decided to unwind with a stroll and a drink at a café. There I bumped into another guy from the group – let’s call him B. He informed me that a number of the guys from our squad were hanging out in a separate room and invited me to join them. I was taken aback by the situation, but I accepted the offer. We spent around half an hour together, engaging in light conversation before parting ways. It was alright, filled with small talk and the like, but I was certainly surprised by their presence there. During this encounter, A asked me whether I had come alone, and I simply mentioned that I was taking a casual walk and decided to have a beer. I dropped a subtle hint by saying that I hadn’t been aware they’d be at that café that evening – he responded by saying that they hadn’t planned to be there, just ended up there after the pub run. Fair enough. Surprisingly, this brief conversation turned out to be rather pleasant. They, including A, engaged with me, asking about how things were going in my life and such. On the flip side, during this interaction, B leaned over to A at one point and made a remark that I happened to overhear, something along the lines of ‘someone has to tell him, haha.’ I chose to play it cool and act as if I hadn’t caught that comment.

After a few days, I talked to a friend from the group who had informed me about the initial gathering I missed. I wanted to understand the new group dynamics. In our talk, he revealed surprising insights. He mentioned instances where I appeared too eager or ‘rigid’ during hangouts, sometimes seeming anxious. It felt like they had picked random moments to create a distorted image. I never saw myself as overbearing. It felt like a bunch of random moments from my behavior were cherry-picked to create a distorted picture with misinterpretations. He asked for my thoughts, and I needed time to process. He noted that everything’s fine one-on-one but odd in the group. This chat made me think that there might be excuses circulating, being used to justify excluding me. And it seems like the others conformed with this new state of things, for the most part

The interesting thing is, it’s the exact same story I heard back in mid-June from another friend (not relevant to this story). Strangely, she’s connected to both guy A and very close to guy B. She told me the same narrative, word for word. She started by saying something like, ‘I’ve got something to share that no one else seems to talk about,’ and then described the identical scenario. The twist was that she mentioned A and B seemed to have some aversion towards me. It left me surprised about how to react, so I said I needed time to think. I wonder where this story originated and why. I admit I’m not perfect, but the person in the story isn’t really me. I didn’t directly ask A about it; I just let things unfold after realizing I hadn’t done anything to hurt him. What’s odd is that the friend I talked to and the one who shared the story aren’t connected – they’re not even friends. The only common link is A and B. I’ve realized that the story likely started from him or them, whether it’s partially true or not.

Let’s discuss the group dynamics. It’s always been a bit cliquey. A is the influential one, and others tend to follow. There’s another guy on the fringe because A dislikes him. He’s excluded from spontaneous invites and calls, often out of the loop. Then there’s B, as mentioned earlier, who until recently was a second-tier member of the group. I’ve known him since college; he can be toxic and gossipy. He often arranges meet-ups and stirs up things. I suspect he might be part of the confusion because I noticed many gatherings were organized by him since June, outside the usual group chat, which isn’t our usual way.

It gets even weirder: In early July, traditional festival in our city was coming up. During the mid-June gathering, we planned to go together. On the festival day, there was a chat discussing schedules, but no mention of going as a group. I made plans with a friend and his girlfriend, suspecting they’d coordinate outside the chat. I was right. While we were there, the rest of the group showed up. Strangely, B took charge and led everyone to a pub for a warm-up, without mentioning it in the chat. It was odd seeing part of the group arrive separately. Even the friend I coordinated with knew they were attending separately.

Despite everything I’ve shared, it’s important to note that everyone else in the squad, except A and B, is still in touch with me. Some want to meet for coffee, others send memes and have casual chats. Even though they seem to support the decision to ’exclude’ me from the core group, they’re acting as if everything is normal and want to keep the connection. However, I can’t deny feeling disappointed by this whole situation. They used to be my go-to group for hanging out, and I’m not satisfied with how things have unfolded.

I’m really wondering why all of this unfolded. I’ve thought it over, and I’m absolutely sure I haven’t done anything to hurt A or anyone else. No lies, no cheating, nothing like that. I just have this strong feeling that it’s about asserting authority, with A being the central figure. You know, the “leader” decides to exclude you for some reason, and the others follow suit, even though they all try to be friendly with me one on one. On the other hand, when it comes to this guy B, my gut tells me he’s being opportunistic, trying to boost himself by aligning with A in this exclusion or whatever it is, maybe just to promote himself within the group. Absolutely, I’m not perfect and I have my flaws, but I’m generally good company. So, I’m inclined to think the issue isn’t solely about me, especially when I see how the other guys still act friendly toward me, like nothing has changed.

What should I do now? Since mid-June, I’ve distanced myself from the group chat – no invites, memes, or conversations. I’m meeting up with all of them individually, except for A and B, and staying in touch, and this is reciprocated from both sides. Is it okay to start engaging again? I don’t want to force it, but gradually joining in conversations, sharing memes, and making plans might show I’m open to the group. Should I think about creating my own circle within the squad? That way, I can have a friendly connection without drama, focusing on those who are receptive. And when I meet up with some of the guys, should I let others know in the group chat, like we used to before June?

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m feeling uncertain about how to navigate this situation. If I act hurt or intentionally exclude A, B, or anyone else, it might unintentionally validate this narrative, making me seem complicit. None of those involved have approached me directly about it. So, why play the role of someone hurt, especially when no one has confronted me? If that conversation happened, I’d stand up for myself.

On the other hand, it might be good to lower my expectations from the group and proactively begin connecting with new people and make some new friendships.

Thank you for reading. I’d want to know your thoughts, observations, and suggestions. Did I make an oversight in my reasoning? I’ve never encountered anything like this, so I want to handle the situation as best I can.