I woke up early yesterday morning, and I looked over at my wife, and she was turned away from me. I looked to see what she was doing, and I could see her typing away at her phone on some app that has a white background. I for sure thought I saw a “share thumbnail” where it was either a shared link or a shared spotify song, etc, etc.
I think it happened a second time that morning too. I didn’t really think anything of it when it happened and I went back to sleep both times.
When I was grabbing coffee, I asked her if she texted anyone that morning. She got upset and said no, and got very very defensive. She stormed off, and we texted a little bit about it. She does this sometimes. Sometimes she responds to my questions with a laugh and sometimes with anger. There have been occasions where she’s laughed or gotten angry and I found her to be lying.
Anyways, so what if she was texting or not – but I just felt crazy yesterday because I saw what I saw and I was told it didn’t happen. So I was thinking, did I not see it? Did I see something and change it to be something suspicious. Was I dreaming?
I was upset about it last night, and she asked me what was wrong, and I told her that it was upsetting to feel crazy about seeing something that supposedly didn’t happen. She reinforced that what I saw didn’t happen, and was trying to get me to not be upset about it, by saying those kinds of things can happen.
I’m already a naturally suspicious person but this feels like it’s on another level. Like, can anyone help me process this? That would be much appreciated. Thanks for your time and consideration.
4 comments
You don’t even sound sure of exactly what you saw, do issues like this come up often?
Keep an eye out
You literally have no idea what she was doing. Maybe buying something on eBay or Amazon or Etsy. Maybe it’s something private. Either way, she’s not obligated to explain her phone use when confronted later.
Don’t eavesdrop.
It sounds like there are some deeper layers here that need examining by a professional.
1. You are naturally suspicious. Why? Did she give you valid reasons to be or is this an insecurity of yours?
2. She responded in anger; this *is* a defense mechanism but we cannot speculate on the where or why of the origin. She may be exhausted by your suspicion. She may be feeling neglected. She may have something she is concealing. There is no way to for any of us to know.
3. It seems you have been fixating on this issue for at least an entire day without effective communication.
4. Inherent lack of trust and safety.
Lastly, what you are describing is not gaslighting. At worse, it is lying.
Gaslighting is when a person purposefully manipulates you to gain control; an example would be telling you to show up to a date at 20:00 hours and then, when you do, belittling you because they assert that the date was at 19:00 hours and you are late.
Is therapy an option?