How do you not let the commentary and judgment get you down?

33 comments

1. Although these are dick things to say, 99% of the people don’t mean it the way you’re taking it.

   >“Omg I could NEVER survive being single at our age”

   OR:

   You’re so impressive that you can actually go out there and date. I would be stuck at home complaining that there is no one to date without trying.

   >“You better hurry up. Your biological clock is ticking”

   OR:

   I care for you and want to make sure you get everything you want in life, so I’ll make sure you know that there is a time limit!

   > “I can’t imagine anything worse than having to date. I’m SO GLAD I met my partner in my 20s”

   OR

   I’d be single with no hope if I didn’t luck into marriage in my 20s.

   >“Wow you’re doing so well in your career. Now if only you had a man!”

   OR:

   I’m so jealous of your career. Once you get a man, I won’t even have that hold over you.

   These things are about the other person, not about you.

2. I don’t have people in my life who make comments like this. I’m 40, female, never married, single – but hoping to meet someone great to share life with.

   You need different people in your life.

3. I honestly could care less. I have the freedom to do what I want until I find someone who’s worth my time. Dating is tough these days. Don’t let them dictate what your dating life should be like.

4. By recognizing those comments for what they are. Fearful people projecting their fear onto you. Don’t let it get you down. I know it’s hard when people are squawking all the time, but I think it’s about loving yourself so much that their fear bounces off you.

5. focus on what does matter for you, you dont need to replay to those comment you need to keep going foward, and working on your self, life is hard to navegate most of the time, so keep focus on yourself, just because you have a partner it doesnt mean u are happy with him

6. These people sound like buttholes, as there doesn’t seem to be anything unintentional about those comments.

   I find it helpful to not be around people like that, and / or go straight to being super sarcastic or mean, which generally makes them not want to hang out with me (great!) or gets them to do much better when it comes to filtering their comments.

   I would much rather have very few friends, but to have them GENUINELY want to support me and be there for me than to have a larger social circle of ‘frenemies,’ which sounds like what’s happening over there.

   I hope you feel better!

7. I would suggest reviewing who you allow to comment on your love life. You don’t have to accept these passive aggressive and frankly unhelpful comments.

   Family isn’t a free card to shit talk.

   I (39f) had similar and it was my signal I was giving too much information to people who purportedly ‘cared about me’ but only wanted to make me feel bad for not choosing the life they had.

   Anyway! Not to project, but I feel for you and I just can’t see how loving people in one’s life (religion aside) can say these hurtful things and feel it’s ok.

   Hugs

8. The reality is some of these people could end up single themselves at some point in the future. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Being single can be difficult and it can be great, just like being in a relationship. I’d just smile and zone out for those conversations or change the subject:)

9. You’re only 32. People have waited a lot longer. The people saying these things are out of touch with reality if they think 32 is some extremely old age to be single.

   If you’re considering lowering your standards, I’m single. 😝

10. Stop crying what anyone else thinks. I bet half of those relationships arent the best either. Im 43 and I been single majority of my adult life. I had my 2 kids very young and did what I had to do for them. Being single and not being a mom at your age, nothing is wrong with that. Its your life, not theirs, so tell them to shut the hell up

11. Ice cream is the answer. Ice cream always tastes amazing even when all hope is lost. Ice cream won’t ever leave you. Ice cream will be there for you. Ice cream is forever.

12. I’m 32F and don’t experience this. I don’t center men or relationshits. No one who talks to me talks to me like this

13. It sounds like the red flags are not just for the men you are choosing but the people around you.

    You are only 32! Plenty of women I know didn’t get married until later.

    I think it’s really important, regardless of your family, or ethnic background, to only have people in your life who are supportive of you. If there are people who are in your life that are making you feel bad and not considering your feelings even after you have told them, then they don’t deserve your time.

14. I’m 37/38F, never married no kids, but it’s still something I want if possible. I shut those comments down with things like “I’d be so miserable if I had settled for less,” or “oh no, I’ve dodged some bullets. I’m happy to commit by choice, not by pressure.”

15. I try to be honest with them about how their comments affect me.

    What about saying “I’m not sure this conversation is helping me feel better about any of it” or just simply “ouch.” Let them overreact the first time, but in the future they will learn to be more tactful. You’re teaching them how to not only treat you, but it’s a favor to other single people they’re doing this to.

16. I cried today too, bc I’m just so tired of this hopeless romance bs…. I’m almost ready to throw in the towel

17. I’ve been single for most of my life. I hated and resented it for a long time. Now I see the time demands relationships have on people. And most of the relationships I see people in are not relationships I would want to be in. Maybe this isn’t normal, but most of them are actively toxic.

    I also don’t fall for people easily. I’m picky, but that’s because I’ve seen what a nightmare being with the wrong person can be. And I know I’m fine alone. But I also can’t choose who I have feelings for.

    Being single allows you to keep your own identity. Pursue your own passions. Everything you do, you do because you want to do it.

    Don’t let people tell you the lie that there’s only one way to live life.

18. You’re 32 man, you are not old. Just be thankful you that you haven’t settled. A lot of people are so insecure that being in a relationship with ANYONE is more important than being with the right one

19. I don’t necessarily think it’s judgment from those comments. To me, it appears sometimes people say these things because those are their fears and/or projections. It’s not a negative on who you are as a single person. What you have to remember is that the only opinion that matters is yours. You live with yourself and you know what kind of human you are. I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time right now.

20. I leaned into it, entered my Zaddy Era, and started bringing hot 20-somethings to family gatherings, friends’ trips, and social events. Just because I haven’t found my forever doesn’t mean I’m alone, so I had to show everyone I still got it.

    ^(Kidding, kidding . . . but I’ve honestly thought about it.)

21. I honestly feel sad for these type of people – how incomplete are they that they feel it’s a *need* to be with someone else?

    I’m way happier now that I’m single than when I was married. I have such a full life. I date a bit, but at this point into not a huge priority for me. I’m too busy kicking ass at a career I love and doing other fun stuff.

    Like yeah dating can be super stressful – but for me it was way worse being in an unfulfilling, emotionally abusive relationship 🤷‍♀️.

    I’m undecided on kids, but even before finding myself single in my 30s my preference was fostering and/or adopting. And I can do that at any age, and when I get to that point regardless if I have a partner or not.

    Anyway if someone said they couldn’t imagine being single I might say something like “Yeah, I guess some people have a hard time being on their own, but I’m really happy and comfortable with my life.”

22. “I just don’t know how you do it. How are you still single?”, now gets a responde of, “I don’t know. HOW are you still married? I don’t know YOU do it!”

23. Don’t listen to them. Most of them are miserable anyway. People just think they have to be on some sort of timeline society tells them to be. You’re fine! Stay in the moment. Don’t let life pass you by worrying about those things. They come when they come. Go out and have and do the things those people can’t!

24. Honestly, I feel sad for them. How sad it is to think that there’s nothing worse than being single or to live your life with the sole purpose of finding a partner!

    I thought that way once upon a time, too, and it landed me in a pattern of toxic and unfulfilling relationships. Then I took the time to heal, and it changed my perspective dramatically. I learned to love me and really enjoy spending time with myself. I focused on my goals and figuring out who I really am. I learned to be truly happy. And I didn’t care what anyone had to say about it.

    And you know what happened when I started dating again? I started looking for someone who would add to that happiness and add value to my life, and I didn’t waste a second glance at anyone who I didn’t think would do that. I wouldn’t accept anyone into my life who would interrupt the peace I cultivated for myself. I met my current partner 3 months after I started dating again, and it’s the healthiest, most loving and supportive relationship I could even imagine.

    Don’t worry about what others have to say. Worry about how YOU feel. Focus on loving YOU and being the best version of you and being happy on your own. Give yourself the space to find the RIGHT person so you don’t rush and end up with just *any* person.

25. I used to be incredibly codependent and could never stand to be single. It left me with terrible partners, even one abusive one. After that, I spent time getting comfortable alone. I love it now and can’t see myself ever wanting to change it, so when I hear people say they couldn’t “survive” without a partner, I think it’s sad. I want to WANT to be with someone, not NEED to be. Society thinks you have to be married and it’s just silly.

26. The one that annoys me the most is the opposite, you’re so strong and independent. Like I don’t want to be independent! Like what’s my alternative?

27. I only started thinking I was old enough for a serious relationship when I turned 30. Who tf are these people telling you this?

28. To be fair, I can’t imagine anything worse than dating in your 30s either, but here I am.

29. Who the fuck are these rude-ass people who say such shit to you?

    So many thoughts:

    1. If these are friends / family, you need to spend time with a better class of people. OR shut them up. “Wow. What a kind thing to say.” “Yep – just looking for the ice floe that will take my spinster ass away for a timely death.” “I am holding out for a man that is as good as you, Dad/Uncle Milford/Cousin Nermal.”
    2. Getting married does not mean staying married. Try to be a better person when one of your friends ends up a 40-something divorce. (Note: there is nothing wrong with being a 40-something divorcé). And it’s the assholes who brag about their relationship that are usually in the biggest shitshows.
    3. The best defense to these kinds of attacks is to be secure and happy in who you are and what you have. Sure it’s great to want a relationship but be happy with your life sans man. Happily coupled is great. Happily single is great. Unhappily single is a little sucky. Unhappily coupled is usually a fucking nightmare.

    And I have had that plane ride. They stuck me in the very back and left me the hell alone. After a week of daily grief sessions, I was feeling tons better and had hope for the first time in a long time. I am sorry you’re going through this.

30. Ayy I just turned 33 last week and the only person who says that to me is myself. Although my mother has serious grandbaby fever.

    I think it’s odd behavior to just outright make casuL statements like that.

31. I feel this so much as a 29 year old man haha.
    All my coupled up and married friends ask about my dating experiences like they want to live vicariously through me which can be funny but frustrating to talk about since I almost feel like they view me as entertainment!

    But I definitely sympathize with you, OP. I like to think going through the struggles of dating will make getting into a relationship or whatever anyone is wanting to find much more rewarding in the end.

32. I can relate to this struggle as well. In my experience, I’ve found that swallowing my pride and explaining my situation often leads to empathy from others. While it’s fortunate that they found their spouse when they did, we bring a different perspective to the table. We understand the challenges of dating and the hope we hold comes from within ourselves, not solely to please others. This inner strength sets us apart in a unique way.

    In addition, it can be helpful to seek out single friends to talk to. Going on dates and sharing experiences with the people you’re dating can be beneficial too. Even if they don’t become a long-term partner, they can still become a friend or a temporary acquaintance with whom you can share some comic relief. Speaking of comedy, watching stand-up routines on the subject can provide enjoyment and a sense of connection, as there are plenty of comedians who touch on this topic.

33. I know your mom is one of the people making the comments, but recently my mom said something that has helped me so so much:

    I’m the eldest of 3 girls; middle sister is long married and has kids. Youngest is getting married in a few weeks.

    My aunt was single until her mid 40s and is terrified of that for me, so much so that she’s the only family member (at least living… I can tell you some shit my grandma used to say that still breaks my heart all the time, but I’ve also started admitting that she was a straight bitch) who comments on my being single. She’s worried for me and I love her so much, but it’s also kinda funny that her worry for me feeling left out is leading me to feeling left out.

    I mentioned how concerned aunt is for me over the wedding, and my mom said “you have to understand something: back then, all we had was our families. Today, you have such a full life.” (I think “back then” is any time prior to 2000 in this case…)

    That’s helped me to remember lately. ♥️

    I’m so sorry folks are absolute dirt to you about this.