I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, but I just feel so lost. My wife cheated with a work colleague, had sex with him 5 times whilst I was travelling for work on and off over a 5 week period. We have two young daughters, 2 and 3, and I don’t want to leave but I’m really really struggling. We’ve been together 13 years so I really don’t have anything in life that hasn’t had her in it, our families are also all very good friends. Wife is begging me not to leave. How do I get through this. Anyone have any tips or advice as to how I can approach this?
I found out 5 days ago. I’ve booked in to see a doctor on Monday to ask for help, we’ve also booked in for couples therapy.
It’s my birthday today and my family wants to see me but I’m worried if I see them I’ll burst into tears and atm I don’t want anyone to know because I don’t want her to feel anymore shame or embarrassment .
It and I are a complete fucking mess.
Anyway, thanks for listening reddit.
44 comments
Talk to a lawyer and tell everyone what’s going on. You should not need to keep this secret for her. Let your attorney guide you.
You don’t want her to feel shame after FIVE FIVE FIVE times? Once could maybe possibly be forgiven, 5 is not something I could ever recover from.
Grow a spine bro
I cannot imagine how difficult this is. But it is not for you do protect her fucking cheating. You deserve so much better than this, talk to a lawyer and…. Get out. I hope you are ok!
Maybe everyone should know. Wife is repentant now, but will it hold when you travel next? She will be tempted again because work colleague isn’t going anywhere. If you decide that family should know, the reveal should be done by her.
Lawyer. DNA test. Std test. In that order op. You can do this.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of your wellbeing and mental health. It’s ok for her to be ashamed and embarrassed. She hurt you. Whether you can both work through this and heal is up to the tow of you, but you cannot do it by hiding what has happened from those around you.
Leaving is your best option.
If you really believe she is so sorry she can change and are determined to stay google these. “Raconciliation after infidelity” “regret vs remorse infidelity” “180 method” “Grey rock method”….
Then be prepared for years of pain and heartache as you are forced to be her lover and her authority figure. You will have to love her and hold her entirely accountable. Force her to give you complete transparency and even control in many ways. Years of being lied to. Years of never trusting her when you need to. Everything will be shit.
If it’s worth it give it a shot. Just don’t ever rugsweep. Do not forgive and forget. She isn’t truly sorry yet. No matter what she just isn’t. She won’t be until you really reconcile properly and punish her or leave her.
why are you protecting her for like really grow a pair
OP,
I’m very sorry you’re going through this! It beyond sucks.
Get counseling for you and as a couple. Deal with the emotions first before making any decision about your marriage.
Therapist can help address next steps after helping you through what you’re currently feeling.
If you do want to try to stay together, therapist can help with couples counseling and supporting boundaries, like her leaving her job, her informing both families, etc. therapist can also ensure she understands the impact of her behavior and that potential forgiveness doesn’t mean no consequences.
It’s a tough road, but surviving infidelity is a possibility, if she’s willing to make the effort and you work together to build trust.
Good luck, OP!
Everyone rushing to say leave, and I get it bc cheating is a pretty clear boundary, but you don’t have to make any decisions right now. Also, while you don’t have to protect her by keeping it a secret, I would caution to keep it private (except maybe a trusted friend) for now. Why? Because you may decide to stay and you don’t need everyone that you told in your business.
This is such a devastating thing and I’m sorry it’s happened. Seeing a counselor (both couples and individual) is a great next step. Good luck
*I don’t want her to feel anymore shame or embarrassment*
She should have thought about that before indulging in her affair.
Tell her you need space away from her. Get some therapy and sort yourself out.
How did you find out? Did she tell you, or did you find out yourself?
Five, your wife told the least amount of times she had sex that she thought you not leave her over. Ever time your away from her, you will always wonder if she is cheating? Can you live that way.
Sorry, OP. I can only imagine how much this must hurt. I hope therapy works for you. For now, I’d probably start with asking her exactly how she expects you to move forward and what steps she’s willing to take to help you rebuild your emotional connection and trust. Is she willing to give you access to all electronic devices? Share her location? Quit her job? Her answers might tell you how sincere she is.
Did the affair stop only because she got caught or did she stop it on her own?
Don’t protect a cheater from shame and embarrassment. She didn’t protect you from the sorrow of being cheated on did she ? No ! Therefore, you are denying her the consequences of her actions. Inform your families. They will support you and support is what you need. Consequences are what she needs. If the roles were reversed would she keep your cheating a secret ? I doubt it. You need supportive people around you as much as possible. Inform your families so they can help.
File for a legal separation and gray rock her. This is to take back whom is in control! Do not talk about ANYTHING other than the direct care of your children. Demand a time line! Take your time. Destroy her no matter what……
I’m really sorry your wife betrayed you like this. I really hope you prioritize yourself and do whatever is best for you. Like most people here, I believe it is best for you to leave her, as infidelity is such a betrayal of trust that’s hard to recover. Ask yourself: would she forgive you and stay if the roles were reversed?
If you work through this and decide to stay, that’s okay too. I think most of us believe that it’s not the best decision for you, but just know that it’s totally okay to try to stay and make it work, despite what anyone else here thinks. You are already going to couples therapy and seeing a Dr for yourself, so you are already taking the proper steps to healthily figure this out.
In regards to your family… this is just my opinion, but I believe it would be best for you to tell at least one person for now, whether it be a family member or a close friend. Whomever you tell may hate her for what she did to you, but you need someone outside of the situation to help support you through this. I personally would tell my family as it’s not my secret to make, it was their decision so they need to live with the consequences. OP, I hope you find happiness despite this extremely challenging situation, I’m rooting for you.
Definitely leave. She’s not begging you to stay because she knows she is wrong and wants to make it right. She’s doing it because she knows there is a good chance her affair partner won’t stick around. She’s looking out for herself, not your marriage.
Might be worth posting this in r/survivinginfidelity
A phrase that always stuck with me, “They only told you the truth because they got caught.” And sometimes, not even then! Short and to the point (because I’m short on time atm), I was where you are just shy of 10 years ago. We stayed together, ‘worked through it’ and are happy now. That said, it still haunts me at times today. I’ll never forget it and the pain never fully goes away. It’s like breaking a bone that hurts every time the weather is cold; you might forget for a while but then one day there it is again.
Not many understand there are many reasons to stay though. Some selfish, some not. The only one who can decide is you. What I can tell you is this; counseling only helps if BOTH of you want it to and are open to it. The relationship (for me at least) will never be the same either, in a it’s still good but it could’ve been great sort of way. Trust will be GONE for a long time too. That comes back too but never like it was. And finally, imo, if you want it to work, she has to terminate ALL contract with the guy. Nothing! Blocked on social media, messages, phone, and no contact at work, even if that means a new position or job. You’ll never get past it while the guy who fucked your wife, with her encouragement, is anywhere in either of your lives.
Best of luck and if you need to chat feel free to DM me. Hang in there, the only thing that really helps is time one way or another.
Get support from whoever you can I’m sorry she feels shame, actions have consequences. Get STD tested and see legal advice to protect yourself. Can you ever trust her again or should you. If you stay please get a post NUP
We will really need more information here. What was her excuse? Is she willing to quit her job? What is she willing to do to prove herself capable of being monogamous? Have you considered that this is not her first rodeo and that she has cheated before? I recommend a paternity test on your kids. Demand an STD test as well.
Did they use protection? Does she have feelings for him? What did he have that you don’t? There are so many questions here.
happy birthday, go be with people who love you
Sorry, but you life from this point on is going to change a lot, be prepared, be strong, thing will get better, plenty of people went through what you are going to experience and they’re happier now.
First just stop this “couple therapy” ” I don’t want to leave, she’s my life” thing, the faster you start moving to separation the better is going to be for your mental health.
Now you may be afraid of the future if you leave, but believe me, it’s ten times better than staying, just remember one thing “this is the first time you caught her, not the first time it’s happen” just remember that every time she lie in your face that it was a mistakes, she loves you, it meant nothing, specially when she says she would never do it again or she is going to change, this is BS, she would cheat again like she has been doing for who knows how many years. You don’t know this woman, she was laughing and having pleasure with another man, never forget that.
What you need to do is to go to a lawyer, explain everything in details, follow his advice through and separate from her, go to individual therapy, one specialize in men mental health and with a men therapist, the first year and the whole separation is going to be a big mess, but after it, if you didn’t fall for the bs and reconcile with her, thing would get better and you may realize that what you consider normal or acceptable in your relationship was hell, cheating is a symptom, just remember that.
You leave.
She doesn’t love you. Just the security you provided.
You are the model for your children. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking it’s normal for mom and dad to hate each other? To cheat on each other? Do you want them to think they can cheat on their bfs or husbands?
Don’t forget to paternity test your kids. Nothing she’s ever told you can be trusted.
You are 31 my dude this is exactly the time to bail
Your wife doesn’t feel shame or embarrassment she did it a minimum of 5 times not a one time drunk lapse
Don’t forget the emotional lead up that was probably months , then the planning
Let’s face it there was probably more you don’t know about ,bj’s in the car , meet ups at other places this was just the only time they could totally have free reign
In your house , in your bed the whole thing reeks.
Think long and hard , don’t forgive because of time spent , cause you are gonna feel horrible and nervous and suspicious for the rest of your days from here.
These people in comments are dreadful
Ffs he has his children to think of
Listen
Understand- whatever you decide to do, this is almost certainly the worst part. And the burn will ease.
You’re disappointed, your world has been rocked- you feel humiliated and isolated
I’m going to give you some words that once i heard them got me through a very difficult time when i was betrayed and failed by almost everyone
} BE. THE. STRONG. ONE. {
you didnt fail you
*she* did
Grieve. Get up. Shoulder your burden. Stand tall. Take the weight
And then make pragmatic decisions
Yeah it’s shit
But you’re not
She had her fun while she left you broken to pieces and she slept with him five times? I will never forgive her for this if i were you. Your mental health is at stake cos this thing will eat you everyday for the rest of your life. Have self respect. I hope you get the help you need. So sorry it happened to you and to your kids.
Listen this is your marriage. You cannot convey the nuisances of your marriage in a reddit post.
But I think it will be very difficult for you to get pass this. Your wife showed no remorse after she had sex with him the first time or the second time or the third time …Do you see what I mean?
BTW, how do you find out?
Never stay with a cheater.
She will do it again
Just start having your own affairs and see how she likes it. She can’t say anything about it. Or just divorce her. She didn’t care about you or the the repercussions of her actions. She didn’t care that she was destroying your marriage or family. She didn’t care she was risking splitting up you and the kids.
Don’t martyr yourself for a cheating partner. Confide in those close to you
If you stay, you’ll show her she can get away with it and she’ll ll cheat again. Rip the bandaid, you don’t want a lifetime of feeling how you felt 5 days ago.
How did you find out?
When someone cheats, it very likely means the love is gone.
But divorce is hard, so stay if you want but then be ready for a lifetime of low self esteem, anxiety and what-ifs.
I would suggest you take a step back and look at your wife for what she is: a person you love, a person with who you have built your life around, a person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. If you focus on seeing her as a friend, a fellow human being first, you might want to talk to her like that. If she was your best friend, what would you ask her? Why did you have this sexual affair? Do you love this other guy? Is it an option you two could live together and be happy? What drew you to him? What was/is lacking in your marriage? As a friend you would see her differently and maybe understand her whole life is not defined by a single event, no more than your’s or mine
If it is possible to talk to her as a friend and not a hurt husband, you might get answers that will help you make the next steps
Whatever the outcome, she will be in your life for a long time. If you allow yourself to see her as a person who made a conscious choice to have an affair, it might ease the pain of knowing it really had nothing to do with you
In a year or two from now, this will all be a memory. Whether you are with her or not, it is good to accept you don’t own her anymore than she owns you. Also, what others think is secondary to your and your kids best interest.
Also, take joy in knowing this is part of life, as old as the mankind, that you are not the first or last.
Wishing you peace brother
*5 times that she told you about
5 times is not a mistake. Sorry OP you have to go through that shit. But you will be ok, it will get better and this too shall pass. Meanwhile go tested for std, speak to a lawyer and don’t try to minimize your feelings, you’re totally allowed to feel all of those things.
She absolutely must quit that job to show she is committed to reconciliation. Also if this guy is married she must contact his wife and if not married she must contact him on speaker phone telling him it is over. She must face consequences that will make her uncomfortable.
OP your wife lost respect for you and your marriage and/or checked out of your marriage. First go see a doctor and STDs test and DNA both your daughters. Next tell everyone in your family and friends group that she cheated. Don’t cover for her, it’ll make things worse for you and she’ll then be able to turn it on you.
Next go ahead and separate your finances and talk to multiple lawyers and find out your options. Also if you can find more evidence of the affair and any evidence you do have to make multiple copies and store in multiple locations too.
Then find out if her job has a policy about sleeping with co-workers.
The biggest thing to remember is NEVER TAKE A CHEATER BACK because sooner or later they will cheat again.
I’ll cut right to the chase: you will never be able to enjoy your life until you make the break. This will haunt you forever. The seeds of contempt have been sown. There will always be an imbalance of power in your relationship. Find a support system and rip off the bandaid. Make a new and better life for yourself.
Woman only cheat because something is missing emotionally. If you patch up.. I guarantee you she will do it again in x time.. or hides it so well you won’t notice.. Seek someone who loves you and doesn’t need to have affairs.
Don’t feel shame because you were cheated on. You should feel shame if you cover this up and sweep this under the rug. Trust me, she would never forgive or respect you if there aren’t any consequences.
Liars, lie; cheaters, cheat; rug sweepers, become doormats.
>I don’t want her to feel anymore shame or embarrassment .
Is she worrying about how u feel?
Sorry but “once a cheater, always a cheater”