Social Anxiety is completely ruining my life

I’m writing here out of desperation because I’m struggling with Asperger’s and the related social anxiety. I have trouble understanding social etiquette, body language, and communication with both men and women. I know these struggles are part of having Asperger’s, but they’re starting to take a toll on my life. I’m hoping to find some unlikely way to soften their impact.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at birth, but I didn’t notice its effects until a few years ago. In my early teens, I began to blush when speaking to almost anyone. I thought it was a minor issue, unrelated to my autism, which up until then had only manifested in niche interests. I believed I didn’t suffer from social anxiety and that once I tackled my blushing problem, everything would be fine. I started using a cream to hide the blushing, hoping it would solve the problem.

But I quickly realized that blushing was just a symptom of social anxiety, and in turn, my social anxiety was a symptom of Asperger’s. This revelation left me feeling hopeless. I have a group of friends from about four years ago, but I feel disconnected from them. I struggle to form close relationships and always feel like an outsider.

Engaging in conversation, especially with girls, sends my brain into a panic. Even talking to guys can be difficult, though not as much. My interactions feel forced and awkward, especially one-on-one. I feel like I’m missing out on many life experiences, which is very disheartening.

I tried exposure therapy, attempting to hold good conversations with new people every day, but it didn’t seem to help. In fact, it just highlighted the constant state of social awkwardness I seem to be stuck in that seemingly there is no way to lessen.

I’m not always bad at talking. I often do well in group situations and can sometimes have good one-on-one conversations. But seeing others interact so effortlessly makes me feel even more out of place. The knowledge that I’ll always struggle with this and that I maybe can’t even reduce the symptoms is hard to accept.

I plan to seek therapy in the next few years, but right now, my financial and personal situation prevents me from doing so. I’m just looking for people with a similar experience of social anxiety and can share how they manage it and how they not let the fact there is nothing you can do get to them.

I’m not looking for a cure for my social anxiety, I gave up on that ages ago, or to even reduce the effects of it as I’ve since realised that’s not possible either. I’m just looking for similar experiences and how people cope with this shitty disorder because the impact on my life has become so severe that it’s leading me to depression.