Throwaway account.
We’re in our late 30s with two young kids and a dog. We moved to where I’m from in order to be near my family so we have some help with the kids (his family lives in a small town and we both wouldn’t do very well there with our careers).
He’s always been somewhat of an introvert, but in the past few years, it’s been getting worse. For example, he deleted most of his friends off Facebook once we moved here, which I thought was weird, but he said he didn’t want them to contact him just to ask for a place to stay if they ever visited. Okay, I guess? And whenever we get invited to a kid’s birthday party, birthday dinner, or get-together, it always ends up just being me and the kids, me by myself, or me and the kids and my mother. I’m getting sick of making up excuses like “oh, he’s working” or “oh, he’s busy with the business” or “oh, he’s really tired.” It’s also starting to get upsetting going to these events and seeing other people whose spouses/partners actually show up.
My mother’s birthday is coming up and she’s invited us to a dinner on a night she knows he isn’t working. He told me that he’d rather not come. I’m getting really fed up and don’t know how to approach this anymore. I don’t want to force him but I mean, come on? Have a bit of respect! My parents are helping us out so much with childcare as I’ve recently returned to work (part-time) after being on back-to-back maternity leave for about 3 years. The least he could do is come for my mother’s birthday dinner. It’s like maybe an hour and a half (we wouldn’t even stay that long because of the kids and their bedtimes).
Does anyone else’s spouse/partner do this? How do you handle it? Or am I just being unreasonable with my expectations? Do I just stop inviting him and just tell him I’m taking the kids wherever?
8 comments
Mine doesn’t like going places either, including his own children’s or even his dads next door. I have to “remind” him that these are important people I his life and that he has to show up ever now again. Same with my family… he has to show up at least 1 a year, because he is my spouse and it’s my life too. Of course I had to pull the look at everything o do for you and yours, this is what you will do for me.
Have you sat down and discussed why? The political climate the last several years has made it so many of the social functions I used to go to are now unpleasant. Add that to covid giving my anxiety a major hit that has been difficult to come back from and I really dont want to hang out with people.
Yes, my spouse is this way to an extent. She doesn’t have interest in visiting my family so i started to go myself or with our child. Even when we have a visit from family all I hear about afterwards is how tiring it was. With family we just make it happen, but never on holidays since all my relatives are out of state. Its even worse with my friends either my own buddies or my family friends she often excuses herself from every invitation and I either go by myself and have to be embarrassed giving her lame excuse or mostly I declined the invitations and basically have no friends. With our kid starting to make friends and have playdates we’ll see how it goes..
I have social anxiety too, so i get it i don’t want to meet people or go to events and I have to make myself go.
1) he could try therapy (or even medication) for social anxiety
2) you should go with the kids yourself and not he invite him. You won’t be so disappointed if you dont expect him to go in the first place and focus on meeting people you want to meet. I did that with a family friend meetup. People asked about her and I just sort of said “she didn’t come” or something and it’s been so many years of this behavior for these old family friends that everyone just smiled and nodded.
I am that spouse, but my husband understands and doesn’t really push for me to attend things. There’s really only one thing a year that he likes me to go with him to, but due to work that hasn’t been a thing in a few years.
I don’t spend any time with my partner’s family. I’m sure they are decent people, but I am very picky about the who I give my time and attention to, and I have never seen any value in involving myself in these connections.
I’m totally comfortable with my approach, and if someone doesn’t like it, that’s ultimately their problem. I don’t have the energy to hand hold someone who has weird ideas about how partners are “supposed to” act in terms of their respective families.
The past few years have been rough. I’m also an introvert and I’m a lot less inclined to be social than I used to be because I…well, frankly, I got really sick of seeing how people have behaved since spring of 2020. I just don’t want to be around other humans very often, by and large, both due to the behavioral factors and the fact that, hey, Covid’s still an issue and I like to keep my dice rolls at a minimum re: Long Covid.
But I make an effort on smaller, more intimate interactions with people I know well.
>Do I just stop inviting him and just tell him I’m taking the kids wherever?
First, maybe talk to him about the *why*. Working/tired/busy only covers so much ground. There’s something deeper at hand. Maybe it’s a lack of desire to engage. Maybe it’s something else, like social anxiety.
I don’t like to go places so I can totally understand your husband. Why do you make excuses for him? Does he ask you to? Be honest with people. Your husband is an introvert, there is nothing wrong with that. If he is not comfortable around people why would you want to force him to go? Why should he be uncomfortable to make other people feel better?
This would bother me- honestly, if I have to do those things alone I’d rather just be single. My husband is similar with the friends thing though, but he comes to family things. It is frustrating to me because he gets upset when I do things instead of wanting to spend 100% of my free time with him- not that I care if HE wants to have friends, but it bothers me that ME having friends seems to bother him.