In my previous post, I talked about the ongoing issue we’re dealing with regarding our differing desires. We gave marriage counseling a try, and l’ve also been seeing my therapist to work through things. He mentioned seeing a doctor to address the problem, but unfortunately, that never materialized. My frustration reached a boiling point, and we ended up having an argument. To tackle the issue from a different angle, I decided to book a session with a sex therapist. What became clear to me during the session is that l’ve been taking the lead in trying to reignite the spark in our intimate life as well as booking every session with our counselor and now our therapist.
Following the session, I made the decision to stop initiating and being intimate. I even stopped cuddling during our time together after work or during the weekends even though touch is my love language. While he never never rejected me, the passion and desire from his end seem to have faded over time.
To be honest, I’m not happy with the situation. It’s disheartening to feel like I’m the one putting in the effort while the energy isn’t reciprocated. He eventually noticed my change in behavior and mentioned he had scheduled a doctor’s appointment. I didn’t react in the moment. On the day of the appointment, he told me that it was done and he’s waiting for the results. However, it’s been more than a week, and I haven’t heard any updates.
At this point, I’ve stopped proactively discussing the issue. I find myself quietly shedding tears as I navigate thru this. It’s painful to be in a situation where l’m left wondering about the future of our intimacy. While divorce isn’t something I’m considering, I’m grappling with the challenge of waiting to see if things will improve. The uncertainty is taking a toll on me emotionally, and it’s difficult to know how to move forward. TBH, I don’t know if I need advice or what. All I know is I’m really hurt and I don’t know anymore what else I should do.
2 comments
In these types of posts, it is usually the opposite – that is the men are the ones stuck with dead fish partners. While this may not make you feel better … It may help you understand a potential reason why your husband is the way he is … Google “Responsive desire”
That said, if this is the case, your position of not initiating anything may actually backfire and not bear any fruit.
Lastly, your post doesn’t mention age. But, you need to decide if you can live with this another 5, 10, 15 or 20+ years. If not, then you need to decide what is your max time frame before cutting bait in order to avoid TEARS – tries everything and regret staying. Believe me, 20 more years is a LONG time. I feel for you.
Good luck.
Genders and roles flipped here, but if you squint it is broadly similar.
On one hand it sucks to not be desired but if you don’t initiate and he doesn’t initiate then you aren’t going to have sex.
You not asking and waiting for him to ask is probably not going to get what you want— it is just a test he doesn’t know he is participating in that he is going to fail and your existing resentment is just going to grow.
I know because I tried the same thing.
Wish I had a good answer for the not feeling desired enough for the other person to initiate.
I just initiate and the sex is great and I feel loved and desired during and after (another comment mentioned ‘responsive desire’, which describes her very well*), but posts like this remind me of years ago when it was different— since that time we had a kid, she has lots of job stress, etc— so I have some appreciation for why things may have turned out this way even if I don’t like it.
I wish I had a more helpful comment for you.
* from a book called *Come As You Are*, which focuses on women mostly but it is not hard to find it applicable to men as well even if low libido or responsive desire isn’t as perceived to apply to men as much.