allow me to explain this one. i (24M) have been dating this girl (24F) for the last couple of months. we’ve known each other since middle school and have been good friends since day one. we went down our own separate paths in high school, but we remained close throughout.
from the first time i met her, i always thought she was beautiful, but i never found myself wanting a relationship with her; things were strictly platonic on my end. when we were seniors in high school, we both got into relationships around the same time, and ironically both of our relationships lasted roughly 6 years each.
now fast forward to the present. she’s been married (currently going thru a divorce) and has had a few kids. i’ve grown and developed in my own ways. i’m big into fitness and have been for a long time, and she just recently started her fitness journey so we reconnected thru that. we started talking more regularly, going to the gym together, and she would come over every once in a while to just hangout and talk and watch movies.
each hangout became a little more intimate than the last, and we’ve been “unofficially” dating for the last couple of months. and i’ve learned that she has actually had an insane crush on me since we met in middle school, so us dating is kinda like a dream come true for her. and me being a guy, i’m just excited to be with someone who likes me and cares about me and thinks i’m awesome; i’m immediately drawn to people who genuinely like me. and our history makes for such a sweet love story. but there’s something going on with me mentally that took me some time to realize, and i feel really fucking bad about it.
we’ve tried to have sex a few times. i say try because it hasn’t happened yet, and it’s because of me. at first, i thought it was performance anxiety; i’ve known her for a long time, i care about her a lot, and i thought i was too nervous and in my own head (the wrong head in this situation). but i’ve had the same issue the last 2 times we’ve tried. and after thinking about it for some time and being honest with myself, i came to the realization that i am not sexually attracted to her. without going in detail, i’ve tried everything. she’s had a great time each time we’ve tried, and she’s been super understanding and patient with me (which honestly makes me feel worse about this). i’m a healthy, young, fit male who’s never had this issue like this in the past. and i’m not sure how to bring this up without sounding like a douchebag or breaking her heart. she’s beautiful, i like cuddling with her, i like kissing her, i like going down on her, but when it comes to actually having sex with her, i just cant. i feel like a bad person, but i feel like it’s going to be worse for her (that might just be me, but idk).
do i suck it up and keep trying? or do i bring it up to her and see what happens?
tl;dr i started dating my long-time friend who’s always had a crush on me. i find her to be beautiful/physically attractive, but not sexually attractive. help.
5 comments
You happily go down on her but are not attracted sexually? Weird.
Do you see a future with her? If not, then you shouldn’t lead her on. Especially if she has kids. Sexual attraction is extremely important in a relationship. Granted it shouldn’t be everything, but it is important. Since you guys have been friends, you owe it to her to be honest. Try to be as compassionate and kind as you can. Put yourself in her shoes… maybe you guys can still try to remain friends after this.
I am curious though, why aren’t you attracted to her? If she is beautiful, is it something about her personality or body that turns you off?
Sometimes you can accidentally train yourself to only be sexually into very specific things. May be time to think about why you don’t see her as a sexual partner. For instance if you are browsing very specific pornographic stuff then you can train your brain to only see that stuff as sexual. Could also be because she’s going through a divorce too. Some men have certain complexes surrounding intimacy. Obviously it’s not based on emotional intimacy because you have that with her.
But for now tell her you want to quit being intimate because you actually don’t feel any chemistry and realize you have been leading her on. Apologize. Don’t mention sexual attraction.
I know exactly how you feel. I had this guy friend that I met in 5th grade and he always had a crush on me. After we graduated a couple years later we got back in touch. And we hung out a lot and did fun things. He would leave flowers for me, get me my favorite drinks. He was a great guy honestly. And we were kinda “dating” but one day he dropped me off and he gave me a kiss on the forehead and I went inside and CRIED. I just knew that I was not sexually into him at all. I felt horrible because of how sweet he was and how on paper it was perfect. But I made the decision to stop seeing him so I didn’t lead him on.
If you really don’t feel sexually attracted, you just have to let her know. It’s gonna sting for the both of you but it’s better to do it now than later. That guy I talked about never really understood what I was getting at and it didn’t end well. So I’m sorry but don’t expect it to end well for you both either.
Maybe cus she’s ur rebound? Didn’t u have a girlfriend not too long ago?