Throw away account.
my fiancé (29M) and I (26F) have a lot of sex like probably around 3-6 times a week and we have had many great experiences in the bedroom. I would consider myself a pretty horny person and I guess you could say the same about him? I think we both initiate sex about the same amount of times but I might initiate it more due to these issues..
He can make me cum when I am on top and through missionary positions. His favorite positions include anything from the back but I haven’t been able to cum from that, which he is well aware of. Out of every 10 times we have sex, he’ll make me cum every 3-5 times. I can probably cum 9 out of those 10 times with a small amount of work, like maybe 5-10 minutes tops.
Anyways, while we have sex, 1/4th of the time I’ll be able to cum PIV and all is right in the world. The other 3/4th of the time he will often either drift his mind off to other things and gets soft, or he’ll cum right away despite the stamina he claims he has built up, and then that’s the end of us having any sort of sexual experience. I end up frustrated that I didn’t cum. He does not really offer to finish me off.
We have talked about it. I have suggested longer time with foreplay or using his hands or giving me head to finish. Foreplay sometimes takes too long and “he loses his focus”. Doesn’t want to give me head afterwards because he thinks it’s gross to put his mouth where his dick once was (even though it’s okay for me to kiss him after he gives me head, lol). And then using his hand afterwards to finish me off is “weird” and “makes him feel like a pussy” which I have NEVER called him that. I have only been encouraging to him and said that it doesn’t matter to me as long as it gets done! I still think he’d be hot doing whatever!!! He is totally against the use of toys as well but that’s ok for me because I don’t have too much experience with that.
In general this whole situation just makes me feel really gross about wanting to cum. But I also feel terrible because I don’t want to make him feel like he’s a failure for not satisfying me. I’m not saying we don’t have good experiences, but it’s starting to make me nervous to initiate because I feel like I have to start pretending that I don’t care. Every time we talk about it, it turns into a huge fight and then he says “having sex with you is like a chore because I can’t enjoy it until you cum” and that “he can’t enjoy anything”. It’d be one thing that I simply have a hard time having an O, but it’s seriously right there every single time and he just doesn’t want to do anything about it. I guess this is him lashing out of insecurity, but I don’t know what to do.
28 comments
Don’t marry someone who isn’t invested in your sexual pleasure. End of story.
(Don’t) fuck anyone who tells you that getting you off is a chore.
What an asshole.
I can’t imagine marrying someone who felt like my pleasure in the bedroom was a chore. He’s basically made it clear that he won’t be putting the effort in; if you get off, you get off, but it won’t be by him prioritizing your pleasure. If you were like most women who struggle with (or never can) orgasm from PIV, I guess you’d just never orgasm, huh?
You do you. I can’t imagine committing my life to someone who thought so little of me.
First of all, this is a really bad way to start a marriage. Let’s take the sex part out of it and just look at the way you discuss something that is upsetting to you. His reaction is to get defensive, turn it around on you, and turn what should be a discussion into a major argument.
Second, for someone who clearly has no problem finishing himself off, his lack of care for your pleasure is a major problem, especially since he’s also opposed to you using toys, or prioritizing positions that are more likely to get where you need to go. He’s not just insecure and selfish, he’s also being controlling.
Sex can be a sensitive topic for all kinds of reasons, but the way he approaches this area of your life together is probably not unique. I’d suggest you look at how he deals with other disagreements and see if there’s a pattern. Then decide if this is someone you’re prepared to be with for the rest of your life.
At the very least, consider couples therapy BEFORE you tie the knot.
what a dick. divorce instantly. that’s not just him being lazy, he’s just being a misogynistic asshole
Find another partner who cares as much about your pleasure as their own.
You are not going to change anyone and it sounds like you have tried talking. The next step is ending this relationship and finding a new one. It sounds harsh but what he is doing is worse. Many of us have spent way too many years in a relationship we should have ended years earlier.
U cant marry someone who isnt interested in ensuring you are satisfied. Sorry to sound harsh but this will cause all kinds of issues in the long run
The question I have is, does he behave like this for other things that involve your choice, your joy, your pleasure. If he values his own pleasures in life above yours, you need to leave, and not just because of his sexual habits.
Such dismissive behaviour usually isn’t limited to the bedroom. All the best.
He’s an emotionally immature, sexually immature, selfish immature man child. Tel him to grow the hell up.
Babe this guy is selfish in bed and that’s the bottom line. Do you really want to be with someone who you only cum with if you happen to cum? Who doesn’t care to put ANY effort into YOUR pleasure?
Do you realize there are men who would not tap out till you did?
This guy sounds like a treat. With the fact that you cum from PIV, he’s already getting off “easy” compared to most men, who need to have great oral game and/or patience to get their women off.
Everyone on Reddit is always quick to say “leave him,” and I know that answer is never so black and white, but a lifetime of not having you needs met is going to start to wear on you, because I can guarantee this won’t stay in the bedroom.
What happens if you have kids and he decides it’s just too much work caring for them? Or if you get sick and he’s not having fun taking care of you?
Picture your life with this man and see if it’s something you could see yourself putting up with, because even with a great man who treats you like gold, there will always be differences. But a man who doesn’t care about your well being or pleasure? It’s going to be a tough slug for you, unfortunately.
PS. He is a failure for not satisfying you, because it’s 100% on him and his laziness.
I wish I would orgasm with PIV 😭
Instead of a throwaway account, it’s time to throw away the fiancé.
Respectfully, he sounds immature and disinterested in pleasuring you, which isn’t fair to you as his partner.
Calling it a chore to make you cum is insulting to the process. You deserve to be with someone who delights in learning how to make you cum.
You sound very reasonable and understanding here. You know not to expect perfection but this is severe underperformance.
Because they can hardly even be asked to care after you did him the favor of spelling out what you were looking for.
Ewwww just the title alone. Ewww
If I was blessed to be with someone 3 to 6 times a week intimately, I would be diving headfirst between those legs. After that orgasm I’d be hard again and ready to go.
Dudes just don’t realize what they have till they lose it.
He seems very complacent and comfortable with your dissatisfaction, which is actually concerning. Five to ten minutes for you to cum is nothing.. and honestly, he should be enjoying the buildup to you finishing. He should think that’s sexy and it should turn him on even more. But he doesn’t seem to care about that aspect at all. As long as his needs are met, he’s fine. I’d stop having sex with him until he actually takes it seriously. Your sexual pleasure and satisfaction is just as important as his, and he very clearly does not think that.
Sorry, if your pleasure is a chore find someone else. Married 25 years and she always cums first and rarely from PIV.
I agree with what most people are saying about him obviously not caring enough for you to put any sort of priority on your pleasure, and I would also like to add: This bullshit about wanting to go down on you after he’s finished bc “ew, my dick has been there” is immature and selfish. He’s acting like a 19M, not a 29M…
He just sounds super selfish and not interested it you. Move on
Eh use paragraphs? Honestly can’t read that much texts in one paragraph.
Its especially interesting that you cannot raise your concerns without it becoming a huge fight in which he claims he ‘can’t enjoy anything’, effectively making you the ‘problem’ for having any needs or feelings outside of what he believes is ‘good enough.’ He is dismissing your feelings and he does not respect you as a person. Please don’t sign up for a lifetime of this crap.
He is selfish. To me it is such a turn on for my wife to orgasm. It gets me excited.
Just tell him if you don’t get to cum then neither does he. If he throws a tantrum over it then ask why he should get to cum when you don’t.
You can get your own job and credit card now, there’s literally nothing you *need* a male partner for, so why sign up for a lifetime of doing his laundry and lying still while he gets off on you and treats your humanity like an inconvenience?
What he wants is a maid and a fleshlight, and he’s telling you that’s all you’ll be when you marry him.
“He is totally against the use of toys”. Excuse me? Then he doesn’t have to use them. He doesn’t get to tell you how to get pleasure, especially when he’s not even concerned with getting you off. I would whip it out every time he failed to make me cum. It sounds like he doesn’t care anyway and his ego isn’t your problem. There is a rose sex toy on Amazon, please get it. You will never feel unsatisfied again.
Ugh. I wouldn’t marry a guy who told me that making me orgasm is a chore to him. Both partners should *want* to please each other, and get pleasure from pleasing the other.
“Foreplay takes too long”? 🙄
You’re lucky that you can even orgasm through regular PIV sex, as most women can’t. (Studies have consistently shown that almost 70% of women can’t).
So he won’t take time to finger you or go down on you? Just likes to stick his dick in you and when he’s done, you’re both done?
There was a great book out there aptly titled “she comes first”. He should read it. Women are more likely to be multi orgasmic but once a guy is done, he’s typically done. That’s why he should focus on you first.
He sounds like a lousy, selfish lover. I’ve been with one of those and was miserable. Put up with it simply because he checked off the other boxes.
Life is too short to have lousy sex. You deserve to be with a sensual, selfless, giving lover. You deserve to have the kind of steamy sex that most people think only exists in movies. (It’s not just in movies… I’ve had delicious 🫦 sex before and I would never go back to a situation like yours).
If it turns into a big fight every time you speak about this subject, how do you expect to communicate with him on future important subjects?
If you want to stay with him, find a method of communication that doesn’t escalate into a big fight. Could be texting, writing down issues, a mediator etc.
Stop having sex with him until there’s a compromise. He is not taking you seriously. Tell him he is being selfish and sex is about 2 people. Focus on you first then him after and if he isn’t willing to do this then this doesn’t constitute good sex for you.
If he continues to resent you for it and not being ‘able to enjoy himself’ you should leave.
Very easy solution – new rule: if both parts do not cum, no-one does
Or new rule: he makes you cum first (like any gentleman would)