Having a hard time letting go

I’ve(31F) been married to my husband(31M) for almost 5 years, together for 7. We have two kids. I’m having a hard time letting go of our relationship even though I know it would be the best for everyone. He has stated multiple times that he is no longer in love with me and doesn’t see a future for our marriage. In the past I would beg for another chance but this time I told him that I accept. I still love him and this wouldn’t be my choice but I’m tired of fighting for something that’s one sided. I’ve slowly been coming to terms that our marriage is falling apart.

Recently he has offered to stay with us to help care for our children while I work. I tried to push back and take them to him but he insisted. In the time he is staying in my home; he acts flirtatious and tries to initiate sex. I got upset one day and confronted him about how confusing his behavior has been. He immediately got angry and left. I texted him the next day asking him to work out an agreement for the divorce as I can’t afford a lawyer and would like to be able to make this as easy as possible. His response was to tell me we didn’t need to worry about that. Since then he has been affectionate and has started calling me pet names again. He has even talked about us moving into a different home as we’re outgrowing the one we are in.

Now I know from an outside viewpoint how awful this situation is. If this was a friend telling me this story I would encourage her to leave. I am just finding a hard time. I work up the courage and come to a place of peace in my heart and then he will do something to pull me back in.

Tonight I asked for us to do something together because I wanted to bond with him and he told me he had planned on that for tomorrow. Tonight he decided to sleep on the couch. When I asked why he said he simply didn’t want to sleep in the bed with me tonight. He wasn’t angry, there wasn’t anything I did, he just wanted to be alone. I’m just confused. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just want to be able to walk away.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. I guess I just needed to let this out. We haven’t told family or many friends yet so not many people to talk to. This week was especially lonely for me. It hurts to see your husband give someone the attention you desperately crave. Sorry for the long, rambling post. If you’re still here, thank you for getting this far.