I’ve known her for 15 years. Dated her for 9 and finally married last December.
A few months prior to the wedding I found out many things that made me uncomfortable, and when mixed with other things that were happening at the time a cocktail of resentment was formed…
I’ll list them here to make it simple to go through and understand.
She has told me that…
\- She fell for her boss the first year that we dated, said that she would do the outmost to impress him.
\- Had a crush for a coworker from another country last year.
\- Even though she says she’s not sexual and has rarely initiated sex, she still fantasizes about other men, mostly rockstars and actors, and those moments are the only ones that make her reach orgasm.
\- Find sexual innuendos with male friends funny, not sexual, just jokes.
\- Had a \[male\] friend that she would stay in touch with during the first years of our relationship, but he was actually a person she dated and slept with.
\- Has a \[male\] friend that she meets with every now and then physically (yearly?), but is always in touch via social media, that clearly likes her as more than a friend. She knows this, and says that it’s ok as long as she’s not into him and not pursuing.
\- She keeps talking about how good some girls look, while repeating she’s not a lesbian. Yet dated and said used to deeply kiss this girl all the time back in probably \[or around\] 2010.
\- Had oral sex with a guy she dated, the relevance comes next.
And I found that…
\- She kept in touch during, at least, the first year of our relationship with this person I mentioned on my last point. She denies it, even after confronting her with a screenshot I took from her Facebook account after I went through her phone (not proud about this).
Other things that affected the relationship…
\- She knows I had unprotected sex with 2 women before we became a couple.
\- She planned and took vacations to Europe during a dark episode of my life (chronic illness for 3 years now).
\- Since I found out she kept in touch with past acquaintances in one way or another, I decided to reach out to a former girlfriend of my as I wanted to 1. Talk back to her but never did because I always saw that as inappropriate while in a relationship with someone else. 2. See if her “everything is OK as long as you’re friends” way of thought is honest (It’s not).
All this has caused me to lose trust in her, constant fights that we never use to have, and other rather awkward situations…
There’s more to the mix, but my mind is cloudy and dark right now, will update as soon as I can.
39 comments
You learned all this months before the wedding, and still went through with it. Why?
Y’all are in a death spiral tailspin and someone needs to pull the ripcord.
Stop the brinksmanship of who can be more of and AH. Go to counseling, individually and as a couple.
Why did you marry her when you knew all of those things and had resentment BEFORE the wedding?
So….you shouldn’t have gone through with the marriage.
Now what. She’s not really trustworthy dude.
>she knows I had unprotected sex with 2 women before we became a couple
I don’t get it??
U became resentful b4 marrying?
>says that it’s ok as long as she’s not into him and not pursuing.
What do u tell her about this?
>She keeps talking about how good some girls look, while repeating she’s not a lesbian. Yet dated and said used to deeply kiss this girl all the time back in probably [or around] 2010.
She’s bi
Dude just divorce and find someone that’s actually attracted to you.
Dude, you sound awful. She deserves so much better.
This whole situation just sounds really toxic and unhealthy on both sides. The one thing that seems certain is that the two of you shouldn’t be in a relationship together.
Mate marriage or not this is not the person for you
That history is to dark
Bad things are coming your way
Marriage is just going to amplify the pain
Holy fuck dude. Lots to unpack here. Marriage don’t mean anything until you get divorced and she takes you for everything you got! Ouch. You got a lot of thinking to do. And I think you know the answer.
Sounds like you knew what your getting into my friend you have to draw the line somewhere and work on yourself.
Yeah, I’m left wondering why you bothered marrying her knowing all this. You made a rod for your own back.
I wouldn’t bother with counselling. Barely sounds like you can tolerate each other, let alone even love each other.
Do the best thing for both of you and just divorce.
She has a very low self esteem as do you. She didn’t need to be married to stop other men from advancing. She is the one that should demand respect. She leaves her options open. She uses this to make you feel insecure about the relationship at all times. This is a form of abuse and what you call love might just be a trauma bond.
You reaching out to another ex was also wrong. Why do you want to hurt a 3rd person into this mess?
You are both miserable in the relationship but are afraid to start over. You should have left when she went to Europe while you were sick. That should have been your deal breaker. I have a chronic illness and NY husband has stood by my side the whole time. He would never left me behind for anything in the world.
You say you don’t believe in therapy but that is exactly what you are doing by speaking out strangers online. Finding a therapist is also like dating, you keep looking until you find the right one.
The unprotected sex thing is bullshit. Most women do not allow that because they don’t want to get pregnant by that person. It has nothing to do with intimacy. If she doesn’t find you attractive then she doesn’t love you.
You need to get a divorce and get this person out of your life. If you’re looking for a sign this is it. You need to get a divorce and get this person out of your life.
Why are you wasting your time
OP- what advice are you seeking here? Looking at your responses to comments, you seem to have it all figured out. If you’re simply wanting to vent, ok, that’s at least understandable. However, the wallowing in pity and depression isn’t doing you any favors.
If you’re needing motivation to pull the plug, then here it is: Pull the plug! Your relationship sounds broken, and toxic as hell. It’s doing neither of you favors to try to stay in it, because(just from what you’ve said) both what you’ve said in regards to the situation, and her actions, seem to show that the mutual respect that a healthy relationship needs to function is dead and gone.
The emotional bond you keep referring to May sting when it’s broken, but it’ll pass, and you’ll move on and hopefully find someone you can make something healthy work with. It’s going to do you much more harm to try to stay together and avoid having to deal with it. Speaking from experience on that one, as I tried to avoid the sting for roughly 15 of a 17-year relationship. It was NOT worth it, at all.
One other thing: think and talk better about yourself. It hurts no one but you to hold a negative self-image, and will be detrimental to any relationship you find yourself in.
(Btw- therapy will only work if you accept that it can. You really should see a therapist.)
I’m confused as to why you’re even on here… marriage means nothing to you, divorce means nothing to you… well then, her fucking other men shouldn’t mean anything to you then. Let me be perfectly clear, she’s fucking other men, you just haven’t found the proof yet… but the way you carry on, it shouldn’t really matter to you.
What is your question? Or did you just want to blog about your wife. Your wife sounds normal. I don’t really see any red flags other than her having a little fun. You have known her for 15 years and dated for 9. Most likely she didn’t think you would marry her. Why did you take so long? I’m sure it made her feel like marriage was hopeless.
Red flags upon red flags upon red flags. Dear oh dear
Most of this happened 9ish years ago. Why is it so important all of a sudden?
You honestly need to go to therapy and tell them everything. Then, follow the guidance there. Omg. You need to get help. Fast.
I don’t understand what the issue is. Most of this is so long ago it seems crazy that it’s an issue now, after 9 years ago and most of this happening before you dated.
I also don’t see anything absolutely terrible in what she has done, apart from keeping in touch with exes. For me the acceptability of that depends entirely on whether or not the relationship was recent, if there was an existing friendship before the relationship especially being part of the same friendship group and if the ongoing contact is flirtatious or emotional cheating.
It doesn’t seem from what you have said that anything truly awful has happened, betrayal wise. If anything this sudden creation of issues from things so long ago, screams to me that you’re looking for an out, and excuse to divorce and you’re really having to scrape the barrel and pull together every little thing she’s ever done an extremely long time ago, to justify it to yourself.
If you don’t love her anymore, just divorce. But don’t make up reasons why.
I think it would really be beneficial for you to start processing your feelings and past actions with a professional to guide you through this journey.
You come out very insecure about her actions and it reads like there is a lot of anger and resentment to unpack.
Then maybe after you get in touch with what you feel, consider some couples therapy. If you will still want to salvage the relationship at that point.
You sound absolutely exhausting. You are manifesting your own anxiety by perseverating on things that don’t directly involve you.
You can’t turn a ho into a housewife good luck with that one bro.
You’re both bored and causing unnecessary drama. Knock it off and be happy. Let old shit go and move on. We all have a past.
You had 9 years to learn all of this… and you didn’t find any of it out until after you married. Is that what you’re saying?
Honestly, I don’t see anything really egregious here on her part. Yes, she seems to seek external validation, but that is something you two can work through.
You seem to be clinging to little things that upset you and create resentment for you.
You both are way too immature for a relationship.
Man, I felt bad for you, but your edit just makes it seem like you asked for it by marrying her. She’s probably crushing on someone else now.
You sound petty… relationships aren’t about keeping score, it sounds like you def are obsessed w trying to get even, i.e., reaching out to your ex… don’t let all this shit build up. Talk about and resolve things when they happen. Maybe think about therapy for both of yall, together or individually, idk but something has to change, this won’t get better on its own. I cannot get over you thinking something is disrespectful, and instead of setting a boundary, you just do it yourself lol wiiiiild….
I’d love to hear her side of this story, I wouldn’t be surprised if you are the problem here.
This is what happens when the man has was less experience than the woman, in order for the relationship to likely be successful it has to be reversed. You can only move on and learn from this.
She sounds really normal and you sound controlling and toxic. Go to therapy, and be grateful to have her in your life. Once you give yourself to be jealous and paranoid–your own mindset will ruin life. You gotta deal with you.
You’re a moron.
I’m sorry, your issue is that she… what? Is a whole person with a past who doesn’t throw people away just because a relationship didn’t pan out? And who admittedly has crushes on others but doesn’t act on them? And took a vacation while you were struggling, nevermind that it was probably also a hard time for her?
Do you have genuine concerns about her ability to honor your relationship? Or are you projecting your insecurities and hangups on her? Because if it’s the first, you really need to talk it out with her, and if it’s the second, you really need to talk it out with a therapist.
This whole post reads like you’re upset she wasn’t a virgin when you met, and that she keeps in touch with people who have been significant in her life, and that is just a bucket of red flags, my dude.
Oh, and this is like… far down on the list because this is r/relationship_advice, but Bisexual people exist. You’re not either straight or gay. smh.
For me personally (I can’t speak for you), most of that is perfectly fine minus the lying about contact and that is a minor transgression if that’s all it is.
Fantasizing and crushes is not cheating or disloyal – for some people its normal or need that to climax and it doesn’t make them a bad person or disloyal in any way. If she’s sharing that it could be a way of letting her walls down for you and trusting you.
Contacting exes as long as there is no cheating should not be a negative, and might even be a positive. Remember there is a reason they are exes and that she is with you.
It sounds like the bigger problem is there are trust issues and I’ve been there. I’d highly recommend talking to her about it, or someone like a therapist.
If you want her future, forget her past