My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Just moved in together a few months ago.
I’ll preface this by saying that we went to a football game earlier and he had quite a bit to drink. He stopped when we got home so he could sober up and we could go see his friends tonight, but he still seemed a bit tipsy when this whole thing went down.
About an hour ago, we were getting ready to go see his friends. He was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I hear him freak out. Apparently our dog had peed on the floor in the bathroom. About a half hour prior to this, she had been staring at us in a needy sort of way (which she does literally 24/7, making it hard to decipher what she needs, if anything) so I thought maybe she needed to go potty, but he didn’t think so because we’d just gotten back from the dog park about an hour before this.
He started yelling at her in a “lighthearted” way, but I told him to stop because she was trying to tell us she needed to go potty and neither of us took her out. It was our fault she had an accident. She’s the sweetest, most well-behaved dog. I said that she can’t tell whether or not he’s “playfully” yelling at her—all she hears is him raising his voice at her, which clearly scared her because she ran out of the bathroom with her tail tucked between her legs, shaking.
He stopped yelling at her, went downstairs to go grab our food delivery, then when he came back upstairs, he came over to where her and I were. I was sitting at the dining room table and she was sitting underneath me. He, again “playfully,” raised his hand like he was about to hit her and she cowered underneath me.
I became livid and yelled “what the hell are you doing?”
He laughed and said he was just kidding, as if our dog was just supposed to *know* he wasn’t actually going to hit her. He has a dark sense of humor, especially when he drinks, but this was absolutely unacceptable. It left a horrible taste in my mouth.
After this, we didn’t say anything to each other. I ate my dinner at the kitchen counter while he ate behind me at the dining table. He was eating spaghetti and was very loudly *slurping* his noodles. He’s eaten spaghetti in front of me many times and he’s never done that, so I figured he was just trying to further irritate me. At first I let it slide, but after the fifth slurp, I peered back at him and said “Do you have to audibly slurp your noodles?”
He just sarcastically said “Wow, sorry.”
I continued eating and a couple of minutes later, he loudly belched, while I was clearly still eating. I looked at him again and he was like “Jeez, sorry. I can’t do anything right.”
I’m not offended by burping normally, but slurping your food and burping while someone is eating in front of you is so grating and bad-mannered to me.
Then he passive aggressively started talking to our dog, saying “Should we just stay home tonight?” then went and changed into his pajamas and proceeded to not talk to me after that.
After we finished eating, he stomped off to the bedroom and shut (slammed) the door. I immediately followed him in and asked what his problem was. He didn’t respond for a while then said, “I don’t like the way you talk to me. You seem annoyed.”
I said I was annoyed at the time, but wanted to move on so we don’t ruin our weekend, yet again. This is the third time he’s chosen to silently pout and stomp around like a child, rather than communicate, in an argument since we’ve moved in together. I’m beyond fed up with it. The last time was 3 or 4 weeks ago and the silent treatment lasted for *FOUR* full days.
I just stood in the doorway waiting for a response and he kept ignoring me and watching tv. Occasionally he’d shoot me a dirty look and snap, “What do you want me to say?”
I said if this relationship is going to continue, we need to start communicating about issues as soon as they arise. Not ignore each other for days on end. He said “I’m embarrassed and I don’t want to talk to you,” then motioned for me to shoo.
I shut the door and have been sitting in the living room since then. He’s come out three times to get something from the kitchen and just keeps shooting me dirty looks and not talking to me.
As I said, this is a routine thing that happens during arguments and I’m beyond fed up. I feel like I’m dating a child, not a grown man who’s turning 30 next month.
What should I do/say to him? I’m so annoyed that this is happening again that I’m about to leave and spend the night at my parents. I don’t even know if this relationship is worth salvaging.
TL;DR
My boyfriend, while tipsy, “jokingly” yelled at and pretended like he was going to hit our dog after she had an accident in the house, then proceeded to (I assume) intentionally annoy me by acting childish.
32 comments
Red flags love, protect your pet. Run, with your baby. Don’t leave them alone together, even if you think they would never. Trust, unfortunately I speak from experience. 🚩🚩🚩
Also, I’m 29, and he needs to grow tf up. That’s what’s embarrassing. You are too young to be locked down with this blatant head fuckery and disrespect. Take care of yourself, your pet and the rest will follow.
>I said that she can’t tell whether or not he’s “playfully” yelling at her—all she hears is him raising his voice at her, which clearly scared her because she ran out of the bathroom with her tail tucked between her legs, shaking.
>
>He, again “playfully,” raised his hand like he was about to hit her and she cowered underneath me.
I just had to explain to my SO why I audibly gasped.
No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. This isn’t playful anything. This is the red-flashing lights, GTFO warning.
Ooh man, the second he “playfully” raised a hand to one of my animals his ass would have been out on the curb.
Why the hell are you putting up with this? Does he shit diamonds? Did the entire rest of the town contract a plague and die?
He’s a shit please get you and your dog out of there
>I don’t even know if this relationship is worth salvaging.
It depends on whether animal cruelty is a dealbreaker for you or not.
🚩🚩🚩 He is already physically abusing (and terrorizing) your dog. Even if you don’t believe he would ever direct at you (he will, and he already is) you should get out for your sweet pup.
This is not a good dude. It won’t change. It’s going to get to the point where you’re walking on egg shells all the time to avoid a confrontation with him. (Ask me how I know). If you choose to stay with him accept that what is happening now is going to be a regular occurrence and part of your life. Get out while you still have your youth and your sanity.
Dark sense if humor when he drinks. Girl run. Fast. Silent treatment is childish af. Raising his hand to pretend (for now) he’s going to hit the dog is red flag #3848838272. Leave.
Scaring an animal on purpose isn’t “dark humor”, it’s fucking vile. Don’t make excuses for him. He’s almost 30, he knows better and is fully aware the dog can’t tell the difference. He laughed at her cowering, after she’d ran away in fear already. 🚩
And the silent treatment belongs exactly nowhere in a relationship. Nor childish antics to make you riled up so he can be the victim who “can’t do anything right” and doesn’t want to talk to you “because you’re annoyed and he’s embarrassed”. 🚩
Edited to add: You’ve hit the two year mark, and lived together for a few months. This is generally the timeframe where people get very comfortable, stop trying to impress and you get to see what a person is really like. If any part of you thinks “it wasn’t like this before”, you’re probably right, but this is probably not a phase.
First I want to say I’m relieved that from your post it sounds like you’ve generally not let him off the hook for or tried to defend his childish behavior. The slurping, burping and repeated trips to “get things” from the kitchen are clearly even more immature attempts to get your attention and get YOU to initiate….something, probably some kind of apology or dismissal of his bad behavior so he can feel like he’s let off the hook and doesn’t need to take any responsibility for his actions. A mature person would use their words, he doesn’t seem capable of doing that unless it’s to yell at a helpless frightened animal. I’d go stay at your parents’ (WITH the dog) and if he says anything tell him you need space and there’s no point in staying there because he refuses to talk about anything with you. Maybe he’ll take some steps to mature, or maybe he’ll continue to be a child who can’t communicate. If it’s the latter, I think he’s showing you enough that it’s reasonable to call it quits if he refuses to be a fucking adult. If it was me, his behavior with the dog would’ve had me grabbing moving boxes already, tipsy or not.
I am worry about the dog, who owns the dog ?
I will worry about the dog when you break up with him.
Is there a way you can legally own the dog before you break up with him ?
100% break up with him immediately. Regardless of the treatment of the dog, which is abusive, someone who has tantrums like this when drunk and won’t communicate over issues is NOT someone you should date.
You are 23 years old dating a man who is almost 30 who cannot be held accountable to his own actions.
Get OUT of there.
There are many other men out there who are better.
Um I woulda left after the 4 day silent treatment. This guy has red flags. Jokes about abusing your dog? Not okay. Manipulates you with days long silent treatment? What in the fuck? Dismisses your feelings? Yeah no. He sounds like a controlling asshole. Please leave him.
Also has that dog been abused before? If not, he could have been abusing the dog since it cowers from him raising his hand which is not normal default behavior.
Leave. There’s no coming back from this. He’s dating someone younger because he’s incredibly immature and doesn’t know how to communicate effectively.
Is there some place you can go and be safe? And take the dog!
Your poor dog. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend even likes dogs. He’s certainly not a responsible pet owner.
If you go to your parents make sure to take the dog with you. I wouldn’t trust your boyfriend not to take his frustrations out on her.
Why do people put up with childish shit like this?
He’s a grown adult and gives the silent treatment. How can you have a mature relationship when your partner refuses to speak to you for 4 days and acts like it’s normal?
Couple that with how he acted with your dog? I’m gone.
He sounds very strange.
Hi Op. I am the ghost of your relationship future. I am 42 and currently in the best relationship of my life.
But, I spent 19 fucking years with exactly the garbage you are describing. Like, it’s eerie how similar it is. I left when I was 39. I couldn’t be prouder of myself for doing it. That said, the one thing that gets me is my wasted years. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without them, and there were experiences in there I wouldn’t want to trade, but fuck, he did not deserve my partnership.
Op, the “jokes” aren’t jokes. It took me 3 years of therapy to come up with strategies to address his jokes. Every time he’d say that, I’d play dumb and ask what I missed. “What do you mean? What was funny? I missed it.”
Then he’d say it wasn’t really funny, so I’d ask how it was a joke. He’d change over to how he didn’t mean it, so I’d ask what he meant.
Anyway, you don’t need to do any of this work. All you have to do is leave. Moving sucks, but you will thank yourself for the rest of your life. Give yourself the respect you deserve. He won’t.
Dogs cower because they’ve learned that a raised hand means they’re about to be smacked in the face. A dog that’s never been hit before won’t know what that means. Leave him, he’s abusing your dog.
ahhhh he got you! once you move in together the true colors alwaysssss show 🤣🤣 temper tantrum 3 times since you’ve moved in together. looks like you’ve moved into the mommy position and are dealing with a man baby who stomps around and can’t control his emotions or manners. good luck! also yea he was purposely trying to make you mad with the slurping and burping so that YOU could move into the villain role becaus he knew you would snap at his behavior allowing him to get to play the victim “oh i can’t do anything right” and now you’re the bully and everything’s your fault. classic tactic to get the shame of being in the wrong off his back and make you the bad one while he acts innocent. you’re in hell and men do these things all the time. well the immature ones.
Threatening an animal is a precursor for violent actions against the gf or wife or partner.
It is used as a way to “warn” the partner to do as they are told or else and may resort to actually harming the animal
Leave. You seem more mature than him. You will be even more mature when your his age. Don’t waste your 20s on Peter Pan. He clearly had trauma. Take the dog and go to your parents. Tell them so you’re not tempted to go back later. I had a bf who did stuff like this… treating others badly when they’re embarrassed is sickening.
Imagine when you’re not around… he very well may be hitting your dog. Not to mention you should significantly more mature than him, despite him being quite a bit older. Know your worth, he is beneath you.
Animals wouldnt know to be scared by “playfully lifting his hand” if he hadnt hit them before. Bad news for the boy.
He’s showing you who he really is now that he thinks you’re going to stay put because moving out would be an inconvenience for you at this point. This jerk is testing the waters to see how far he can go and probably already does hit and yell at your poor dog when you’re not home. GTFO of there as soon as you can, he’s not going to just treat your dog this way. And I say “just” only to communicate clearly that he will escalate to you as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.
Why you would want to salvage this is really beyond me, take the dog and run like hell. And be extra careful with your birth control and valuables.
If he threatens to hit a pet, he will do that to a child. Or you. Leave. Now.
Take your dog, and leave.
Pretending to hit an animal IS animal abuse don’t give him any excuses. Also the silent treatment is a manipulation tactic and a serious red flag. Run girl!!
>I feel like I’m dating a child, not a grown man who’s turning 30 next month.
That’s cause you are
>he came over to where her and I were. **I was sitting at the dining room table and she was sitting underneath me**. He, again “playfully,” raised his hand like he was about to hit her and she cowered underneath me.
Was he threatening to hit her, or hit you? Neither is acceptable and it’s a concern that he was potentially threatening her as a proxy for you.
The animal abuse (that’s what it is) would give me the ick.
Leave him quickly! And take your dog with you.
anyway raises their hands toward my dog, “playfully” or not, I’m kicking their loser ass to the curb.