My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months now. He (let’s call him Tim) confessed to me 2 months ago that he co-signed for one of his female friends to get a car and it’s been bothering me ever since. Not only did Tim co-sign, he gave her the downpayment as well.
The co-sign happened the week we made it official (April), informing me (at the time) that he would be going to the dealership to give his friend a loan for a downpayment because her old car needed a new transmission.
This female friend (let’s call her Bobbi) is also his employee. He’s a business owner making a good amount of money and obviously she’s been working for him longer than we’ve known each other, let alone dated.
They planned a trip together in December of 22, ultimately deciding it would be wrong to go alone with Bobbi since he was in a relationship. I found out through text message which broke my heart that he was possibly going to lie and say it was a solo trip. We went on a trip the same dates him & her was supposed to go (month of June).
Tim finally confessed that he co-signed the day before we went on vacation. Leaving me with the ultimatum to either go on the trip or to leave and he goes (either by himself or possibly with Bobbi). I decided to go on the trip.
Supposedly Bobbi had asked Tim, “what are you going to tell your girlfriend when we go on vacation?” He responded, “Let me figure that out”. He then confessed he thought about the lie he was going to tell me, stating he was going to say it was a solo trip.
The co-sign confession happened after Tim & I needed to go to the dealership to get a scratch fixed on his new car. He decided to get this new vehicle the week after he co-signed for Bobbi. Bobbi knew a friend that worked at a dealership & Tim wanted to support the same salesman.
Tim & I looked at cars together. I noticed how the salesman was condescending, calling Tim little nicknames like “Timmy Tim”, and using high pitch voices. It felt like it was subliminal (as if he was imitating Bobbi). Bobbi was probably calling Tim that when he co-signed.
I told Tim once we got in the car that the salesman was being weird & something felt strange about that interaction. I asked him was there something the salesman knew that I didn’t.
He finally informed me he did co-sign for Bobbi. Tim lied about it the week it happened, saying that he didn’t want me to freak out and break up with him. He also sent a text to the salesman saying not to say anything about the co-sign, which the salesman agreed. My thought is , if he knew, why do it? If he knew, inform me anyways and let me make the decision to either be with you. It’s not the co-sign itself, it’s the principle… of lying about it.
I believe co-signs are sacred and should only be used for loved ones and family. Possibly, Bobbi is a loved one of Tim. Whatever. I can’t control his finances, but starting off the relationship with lies is a red flag.
Bobbi & Tim have a history of also talking about our relationship. Bobbi has always had opposing comments about me, saying she doesn’t like me. He also told Bobbi I didn’t like her (even though I’ve never said that). I don’t like he played the fence. He says now he doesn’t let her talk about me in a negative light.
Tim has loaned Bobbi money multiple times. She’s payed it back by cleaning his apartment. I told him their relationship made me uncomfortable when we first started dating, willing to leave him. He said he was going to work on boundaries with Bobbi.
Tim recently bought a house, but was on the fence of buying a duplex or triplex for additional income from tenants. Bobbi was going to be one of the tenants. He said he never discussed it directly but she offered to lease.
Bobbi has been having house issues (she doesn’t have a stable home). She lived with her boyfriend, but when Tim and I took a break, Bobbi broke up with her boyfriend leading to him kicking Bobbi out.
She told Tim, and Tim bought her an Airbnb for two weeks. He did not tell me, but I found out through text message images from her. I had thought they got the Airbnb for each other because he never informed me. He said he never went over. (I seen the address in his recents).
At this point I had enough. Broke up with Tim and tried to move on. Obviously we got back together because he said he didn’t want her or her two children on the streets. After the two weeks at the Airbnb were up, Bobbi asked Tim what she was going to do afterwards. He told her he didn’t know what to tell her, but couldn’t help her any further.
I guess my biggest concern is should I be worried about Bobbi? Does it sound like they were just friends and she just needed the help or were they more? He says they never had anything intimate and she was just a good friend, but he’s hid so much it’s hard to tell.
4 comments
It’s his money. His credit. I think he’s being an idiot financially but I don’t fully understand why you’re so bothered about it—would you be similarly bothered if Bobbi was a male friend?
Bobbi sees you as a threat to her mealticket.
She is undoubtedly a threat.
Who cares about Bobbi? You are with a man who lies to you.
You should be worried about staying in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have good boundaries, whom you cannot trust. This man has gone out of his way to make sure you and Bobbi don’t ever get along.
Why did you guys get back together?
I also think you need to realise that intimacy isn’t just sex. They absolutely have an intimate relationship.
“It’s not the co-sign itself, it’s the principle… of lying about it.”
“I can’t control his finances, but starting off the relationship with lies is a red flag.”
You’re focusing on the wrong part of the problem. These quotes of what you’ve written are the crux of the issue. He’s been lying to you from the start. Yes, most lies include Bobbi, but he’s making the conscious choice to lie to you. If their interactions were simply friendly, why the lies? Why hide that? Their relationship sounds completely inappropriate, mainly because he is also her boss. Him lying to you about their interactions and plans makes it even worse.
You need someone who is going to be honest and put your first. If you still want to work on this relationship, your BF needs to make changes and set boundaries. He needs to be held accountable for his lies. Trust is paramount in any relationship. Do you think he can ever earn yours? If no, just end it.
Don’t focus on Bobbi, she’s only part of the issue and I’d be curious her perspective in all this. You have no idea what he’s told her, promised her, etc.