I have a friend who gave me the cold shoulder out of the blue after hanging out with her at her house. She was normally sweet and thoughtful but it seemed I said/did something that day that pissed her off.
Our last normal interaction: I was hanging with her when she invited “some guy friend to come join us”. Turns out the guy is my coworker who wasn’t expecting to see anyone else there let alone a colleague. They tried including me in the conversation but I felt like a third wheel and that the guy really didn’t want me there. So I kindly excused myself and texted her my reason. I texted coz when I was leaving I could tell she looked heartbroken by the look on her face.
By next day text I asked if everything was okay, she said yeah. But days that followed were just more cold. I particularly remember 2 scenarios where she greeted the person I was standing next to and no word to me. Leaving me feeling punished and invisible. The loving friend i once knew treated me like an enemy. Once caught her looking at me with “killer eyes” while we were with a mutual friend. The whole thing made me feel so bad about myself. Questioning daily what I did wrong. Anyway 3 months later, the girl moved out of town and everyone was informed except me. I think there may have been a farewell party. The whole thing messed with my self esteem. Now i dont hold friends too close to my heart due to fear of being discarded.
Anyway lately she’s been sending messages and calling like nothing happened. I could care less about this person now. Def no longer talking to them.
Am i overrescting? should I give them a chance to rekindle our friendship?
12 comments
Im female too
same age as her.
Maybe she was trying to set you two up, or something.
Regardless, SHE is the one who should feel bad for being cold, mean and delivering “killer looks” without explanation. If something’s bothering her, she should explain what it is, not expect you to read her mind. (and she absolutely should’ve given you the heads up about inviting that guy to “join you” when you weren’t expecting it.)
The social sins here were committed by her, not you. It’s your choice whether to rekindle the friendship, but if it were me I’d ask for an explanation of the odd behavior on her part.
[removed]
You did nothing wrong, your reaction now to her calls is justified
Now I think you can accept one call from her but just to ask her why the cold treatment before she moved out
Then you can just go back to ignoring her
maybe she didnt want to be alone with the guy friend, but didnt want to say no to him coming over, so in her perspective you bailed on her. have you tried asking her directly?
If your “friend” has already made you feel small and treating you as such it is highly likely she will attempt to do the same thing to you all over again. You are absolutely not overreacting. The ball is now in your court to decide wether this person is worth your time and emotional investment. You do not owe her anything.
I’d be confused too…
No 2nd chances… if she did it once, she’ll do it again. Her loss…
Sounds generic, but that’s not your friend. Not saying you did anything wrong, but even if you did a friend would get over it and try to understand
Dude, this chick is immature and manipulative. She wanted you to fight for her (not necessarily physically, but you get me). Chicks like this are bad news bro. I dated one that tried to get me to physically fight other dudes over her. Leave these ones alone.
Edit: oh, your a girl haha. Well maybe she is not want you to leave her alone with dude. You know, the buddy system.
Firstly, thanks for sharing brother. You’re not overreacting; it’s like going to a magic show and ending up as the disappearing act. One moment, you’re part of the spectacle, and the next, poof! You’re gone.
I’ve been in a similar scenario (twice), and I didn’t say or do anything, and it haunted me like an unfinished crossword puzzle for a year.
Anyway, I learnt my lesson and didn’t make the same mistake the second time. Ding, ding, ding – round 2! This is what I did…
As soon as I realised she was being a weirdo, I immediately thought, like you and me, she also has a skewed story she tells herself about reality – her way of seeing the world. Think about it, we all face silent battles every day that we don’t tell anyone.
This thought will make you appreciate that there could be an infinite amount of reasons why she is acting the way she is…
So back to the the second time this happened to me…
With this thought in mind (above), I took her to the side and I asked her directly, and in a playful way, if something was up? Here’s the exact line I used (it’s like a cheat code for connecting with someone authentically and with respect)…
While touching her elbow (to show confidence and involve emotion) this is what I said…
*”Hey [Friend’s Name], I noticed you’ve been giving me the ‘cold shoulder’. Did I steal your favorite pen or something more serious? (laugh 😄) Seriously though, if something’s up, let me know – I won’t bite (wink)”*
Then to prove I was listening and to connect further, I repeated the last three words to each of her responses. This is a proven technique to connect to people authentically.
Wanna make someone’s day? Try it: echo their words back like a snazzy conversational DJ. Trust me, it’s like an instant ‘I Care’ button, and you’re rocking the playlist of genuine connection.
And when you also mimic their movements and expressions, you’ll 10X the connection. Just make sure not to be to overt, otherwise you’ll look like a monkey dancing for change.
Plus they’ll think you’re teasing them lol.
FYI, these two social skills hacks aren’t Jedi mind tricks, you’re just showing the person in front of you that you’re a good human. It works with anyone you meet because it shows you are ‘truly’ listening and that you genuinely care about that person.
Seriously, try it…
The next time you’re in that situation like this, take the hard path, pull her to the side and ask her directly before you leave. Not only will you feel lighter, but it will show her your masculine power, that you care, and that you understand her needs.
That’s super attractive to a woman.
To your last point…
If other than this bizzaro incident with the work guy, she’s a good human, give her another chance and see where it goes. It’s like accidentally overcooking a favorite dish; you don’t toss out the whole recipe just because of one culinary mishap.
Life is all about second chances, and sometimes the next attempt turns out to be the best meal ever!
So take a chance and make mistakes.
It’s like learning to ride a bike; those scrapes and falls aren’t signs of defeat but badges of learning. Adversity and pain only serve to nourish and feed your courage, like water and sunlight to a growing tree.
And it’s only through failure, those tumbles and stumbles, that you’ll get the feedback necessary to learn to ride with confidence the next time you’re in that situation. Each fall is simply a lesson on how to balance better next time.
I trust this helps brother!
Cj
PS. I wish AI had been my wingman back when I was in this situation. Imagine if you had a secret earpiece where an AI whispered in your ear, like that Black Mirror episode, White Christmas. It’s the ideal blend of technology and tradition.
It would be like having a digital confidante to brainstorm with before, during, and after talking live, making a call or sending a text to a girl/guy!
Today, I’d use it to cook up 2-3 social chat ideas or date suggestions, just like a chef expertly seasons a dish. That way, I’d have a few genuine, non-sucky responses up my sleeve, and some cool date plans, ready to serve. Hehehe Food for thought…
theres no need to assign “blame” to anyone. how you felt was valid. i feel like there may have been information you didnt have at play