Been with my bf for 4 years (26 M/ 30 F) and it’s been rocky (found out he cheated during the first 1.5 years) and ever since then I haven’t been able to get over it and I’ve had bad anxiety and insecurity issues. We’re finally in couples therapy where the therapist let me know my anxiety with push him away.
I went out to a bar last night to celebrate a friends birthday, and he ended up coming out with us later on in the night because his plans fell through. At the end of the night, we said bye to each other and he told me to call him when I got home (I live about 30 min away).
I got home, called him twice, and with no answer I kind of started having a panic attack.. his location showed he was at a different bar.
I immediately got angry and started thinking he didn’t care.. he didn’t walk me to my car (I parked a little far from the bar) he didn’t check up on me and he didn’t answer my calls. In my eyes he didn’t even care if I made it to my car safe or if I even made it home safe and instead cared more about going to the next bar with his friend.
When he finally called me back (about 10 min later) I was freaking out on him on the phone. I told him i was all set with going on a trip with him (we were supposed to leave next week) and to go suck his friends **** since he “cares about him more.” I was just so angry that he chose to go to another bar rather than see if I was okay.
I called him this morning to apologize, and he said he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear my justification and that he doesn’t have to chase me anymore (the therapist said not to chase me it’s a bad habit). He told me that I can go suck other guys **** and that he didn’t care anymore, and that he’s done with me.
I usually feel like when I freak out I have all reason to, but this time I actually felt ridiculous when I woke up and I actually called him to apologize (I don’t do that often). For him to say he’s done and hang up on me actually felt real and now I’m scared and I feel like my anxiety really ruined our relationship. My apology didn’t help and I’m scared to reach out again.
How would you go about this situation?
4 comments
Yeah, you’re an absolute mess.
Whether he wants to accept your apology or not is *his* decision – and since this sounds like a recurring thing with you, it probably rings extremely hollow as you just keep doing it anyway.
My advice: get your shit sorted and in order *before* you get in a relationship of any kind.
I completely understand how you’re feeling right now, but I think it’s the culmination of a lot on stress/anxiety that’s been growing inside you. I wouldn’t say that you’re foolish, because that night he also really didn’t give you the security that you probably needed; like I’d walk my gf to her car and made sure she was safe, even in a rough patch. Those small things really keep the mind sane after a case of infidelity.
Then there’s the aspect of infidelity, it’s really difficult to have a stable relationship after someone’s cheated because of the mental anguish, trust me, I’ve been there. In your mind it feels like they don’t care one bit and it haunts you.
His behavior is the thing saying that it’s not worth the continued mental strain, just see how it made you react. You need to find some sort of peace in your mind and being with him isn’t the way. Maybe read on some Stoicism so your mind doesn’t wander/overthink about the things you can’t control. I really do hope you feel better 🙂
Keep going to counselling. You need to learn how to cope with your anxiety, and also how to not take your frustrations out on your boyfriend.
Yes, your reaction was inappropriate. You cannot expect people to read your mind. If you want your bf to walk you to the car, then ask him to. If he scoffs at it, then share your disappointment, but not like a seventeen-year-old in a Netflix movie who is paid for the drama. Be calm. Be concise, and don’t name-call and make crude statements.
Failing to pick up your call in what most would imagine would be a noisy, bar environment is not the capitol offense you make it out to be. For God’s sake, he called you back in 10 minutes.
The root of all of this is the cheating, your inability to get over the betrayal, and how you are letting this shape your interactions and responses.
Do not call him. Accept and respect his decision to end the relationship, and look at it as an opportunity to learn from this experience so that the next time you get into a relationship you don’t make the same mistakes.
Also, consider whether picking a partner who has the DNA to cheat is also part of your whole issue, and choosing to stay in a relationship after the cheating occurred. You had been only dating for 1.5 years . . . were not married for years with kids . . . big factors that other people have when choosing to stay and work on a relationship that has been damaged by cheating.
Consider finding another therapist that is not invested in you as a couple and can offer insight. Do your research and make sure they are strongly recommended, and be 100% truthful in all your disclosures.