I am not quite sure why I do this. When I was young, I fell in love real hard but didn´t approach her as I was in a bad place at the time, family wise, and she was on a completely different trajectory. It was an experience of disillusionment (as I had many, in several crucial areas of life).
That´s the only time I felt the full on fireworks. I have had some casual and one very long term partner(s), and while I by no means will regard those connections as lesser, they were definitely not passion driven. They were deep, very functional, we knew each other in and out and, sex life ok and then finally declining as it sometimes just will, and they had many of the traits people want in relationships. But the kind of woman that makes me melt? I am afraid not.
Every once in a while I meet a person like that, by accident. I recognize that she is “that kind” – and like an automatism, no thinking required, I put her on a pedestal with an “off limits” sign on it and make sure I don´t bother her. (I should add that those are very classy women indeed, anyone would need a healthy sense of self to try). I can do some qualified guesswork that I am avoiding emotional stress, that I may play it safe as to not experience intensity after growing up with mentally ill parents etc. Not sure if that´s healthy though. I mean, even if it makes sense it could lead to a whole life lived without ever experiencing deep passion for someone.
Is this a known thing and what do you think about it?
TLDR: I avoid passion with people who are 100% “my type” and go for moderate emotions instead.
4 comments
I don’t know you and I’m definitely not a therapist. But I know for me I was avoiding those people because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for them. Or I’d somehow ruin it because I “wasn’t ready”.
Love requires vulnerability and vulnerability is scary. To open your heart up to someone when people are not so kind hurts.
Also, try to humanize them. Don’t put them on a pedestal. My favorite grounding phrase when meeting someone I think is better than me in any way “everyone is different but no one is special”
Everyone could benefit from going to therapy also. Especially if you’re having trouble understanding some of your habits. It saved my life. Met my husband shortly after, income increased drastically, and my self esteem boosted higher than I could remember. It’s definitely an investment.
You’re afraid of the crashing and burning that happens fast with people you have a lot of chemistry with. The sense of whirlwind love/passion is both attractive and very scary. You probably don’t want to feel vulnerable too.
You might find it interesting (and benefit from!) doing some reading on attachment theory and “imago relationship therapy.” To oversimplify, the reason you might feel instant fireworks about some people but not others has more to do with your own attachment style and early life experiences than it does with that person’s actual ability to make you happy long-term.
So what are you afraid of?