Okay listen, I could not come up with a title at all because my situation is very complicated. I (15M) have been with my GF (15F) for up coming 9 months. The past 4 ish months almost every day I have thought about breaking up and I’ve attempted to twice. One of the times she threatened to hurt herself and the second time she just called me crying and like it’s so hard to do.
I have been thinking about soon and she knows it’s coming so she has been posting me on all social media’s and all of that and I just am like too nice. I don’t know. Both of our families get along so well and she has brothers that absolutely love me. My dad would die for my GF if it came down to it but it’s just so hard. May I mention here that this is my first ever relationship, not hers though. It’s coming to the point where I am just like losing love for her but I am so scared to do it.
I know it will be best but she says I am everything to her and I am well aware that some of this is manipulation. She also has no trust in me at all, and worst of all, she accuses me of cheating on her all the time ( mainly because she sees that a lot of the time people call me cute and try to get my #) . I would never do such a thing and we also have classes coming up together too. In two of my classes is the person she thinks I cheated on her with and I am just not ready to be accused and than she comes to me crying that she is overthinking. I just can’t do it. But this is all such a new experience to me.
I’m sorry if this whole thing is immature but you guys would have to be in my place to understand. Thank you guys.
TD:LR- in the title
23 comments
Hi there. If someone threatens to hurt themselves, you always, always call for help–call the police for a wellness check and tell an adult. That is serious, and if she means it, she needs a lot of serious help. If she doesn’t mean it, she needs to understand that her actions and words (and manipulations) have consequences. This is a big burden for you; you’re just a kid, and it’s too much to carry alone. I would break up with her in the presence of a trusted adult if you can.
What a mess. I can totally relate. But at the end of the day, if you feel it must be, you just do it plain.
It is always the best, to get right to it and tell her how you feel and that it’s over. Polite, but short. And then you stick to it. Everything else just prolongues the pain for both of you.
If you indeed think she might hurt herself, maybe tell her brothers to watch out for her?
You are not responsible for how someone else handles their emotions. You need to be true to you.
If you dont, you’ll be doing yourself a disservice.
If she’s suicidal, you are not responsible. She should learn how to be more emotionally balanced.
Just know that in the future, something like this may happen to you and to know that whoever rejected you is allowed to choose whatever they want and if you’re distraught, it’s your responsibility to handle it yourself
Break up with her in front of her parents. She won’t act a fool and they can console her.
hey lil man. just know that you will be okay.
she is in her feelings. hormones are crazy. emotions don’t make sense at this age.
if she hurts herself, know that it is not your fault. she clearly has emotional issues that are not your cause.
you know she is manipulating you, and does not trust you. so where do you think this relationship will go?
I know it is hard to hurt someone, especially a girl that you like and have had experiences with.
but there comes a time where you have to separate yourself. block her on social media. block her number. avoid her at school. —- ALSO (not my official advice) it may be a good idea to tell her you cheated. just to really get all this over with.
her friends will contact you. calling you mean names, saying to change your mind. but that is natural, they are just defending her and listening to her perspective.
I’d start by writing all of the things you want to say down in a letter. That way she has to read it in it’s entirely without interjecting or stopping you from completing what you have to say.
Maybe start with something like:
“Hey (GF), I know things between us have been hard these past few months. A lot of ups and downs. I want to talk to you about it and I really just need you to hear me out and listen to what I have to say completely. Then you can ask me any questions.
“I have been feeling an immense amount of pressure – from school, from you, from our family, etc. I feel like I have become your only emotional life line and that is a huge amount of responsibility and pressure as a partner. People in Healthy relationships do not put this amount of dependency on each other and I feel it has become very one sided. I’m feeling suffocated and I KNOW you can feel me pulling away which makes you want to cling harder. But this has the opposite effect unfortunately. I need space to think and breathe without feeling the pressure of catering to your emotional needs and the closer you try to get the more it makes me want to push away.
“I realize this is not fair to you. You deserve someone who can give you those things. You deserve someone who wants to get closer to you! Not pull away. I need to be single for a while and get reconnected with myself outside of any relationship. This relationship is no longer healthy for either of us and we both know that. The dynamic we have has begun to cause way too much stress, but we are both acting in opposite directions.
“I’m sorry for any hurt I have caused you in any of this. I’ve been terrified of going through with a breakup because of my fear of hurting you, but I can’t continue to let my fear keep both of us in an unstable relationship. Neither of us will find happiness that way.
I really wish the best for you and hope you can find some peace after this. I really do hope you find someone who can give you what you want and treat you well. I’m sorry it couldn’t be me.”
You are absolutely NOT bound to continue a relationship that isn’t making you happy. You don’t need any reason at all, simply say “Sorry, but this relationship hasn’t been working for me for some time, so it’s over.”
Don’t get into a discussion about why, about what she could have done better, or discuss cheating or anything, just stick to your guns. It’s over. End of.
Yes she’ll cry, of course she will, but she’ll get over it, and it’s not your fault!
Just make sure that you do it at her place, so her family can support her. Maybe give her parents a heads-up that you’re about to split up – but again don’t go into reasons, you’re just a kid relationships aren’t supposed to be long term!
Simple answer: Dump her as gently and Clearly as possible. And if she makes threats, report it to her parents and the school and cut contract.
Your prior attempts have made it clear it isn’t going to be easy. Most breakups aren’t going to be easy. And how she is reacting is going to leave you feeling bad about it.
But staying with her simply because she wants you to and not because you want to is not doing either of you any favors.
You both deserve better than a relationship that isn’t really real anymore.
You both deserve to be happy.
And first relationships often end. When you’re young it’s more about figuring yourself out and what you want. And because you both likely don’t know that already, it’s all the more likely to end.
So don’t feel guilty that it didn’t work out simply because it didn’t.
And in this instance, you’ll likely have to try to do it as clearly as possible.
I think we’d all prefer a gentle breakup. And I’d try to be gentle. But if she tries to manipulate you or confuse you, just reiterate that your breaking up and leave.
I’d let her parents/school know that she said she was going to hurt herself.
I know as a teenager this sounds like the last thing you’d want to do. But her friends aren’t equipped to handle this, most adults wouldn’t be either. And only her parents have the authority to ensure she gets help if she might try to hurt herself.
Again, If she’s threatening to hurt herself, she needs to talk to someone who has the knowledge and experience you help her through it. There is no shame in her needing therapy.
And again, a normal civilian, especially a young one, is not going to know the signs/right things to do. But a doctor/therapist/psychologist would.
The safest thing for her would be for her to talk to someone with knowledge on how to handle it.
You never know when someone is serious about these threats, so every threat should be taken seriously. And I know that is all the more confusing in your situation, given she’s said it in a way to keep you there. But you should still take it seriously.
But it’s not your job to fix it. You just need to tell someone who has the authority to get her help.
You are not responsible for her reaction. You are not equipped to manage someone else’s mental health. That is between that person and their doctor.
Sounds like a rough first experience with breakups. And I’m sorry you’ll have to go through it. But breaking things off as cleanly as possible is better for you both in the long run.
Stretching things out only hurts you both.
If she tells people you cheated or something to make you feel bad, tell them the truth. “I wouldn’t have done that to her. I just stopped having feelings for her. We really got along and I hoped we could end things peacefully. It sounds like I hurt her feelings because she didn’t feel the same way, and now she’s telling lies to hurt me too.”
Or something along those lines. Could be more simple than that.
You shouldn’t have to defend yourself against lies. Real friends would know.
Don’t be afraid to talk to the school counselor or your parents if she turns out into a situation where lots of people are bothering you about it. It’s OK to need someone’s help or to need someone to intervene.
When I was your age, my bf at the time threatened to kill himself if I left him. He had a history of self harm and his mom died a few days before we started dating, so he had latched onto me in a really unhealthy way, & I really believed he’d do it. But I just couldn’t take it anymore, he kept trying to pressure me into things I wasn’t ready for, he would get scary when he was angry, etc. So I left anyway, fully prepared for him to kill himself & fully prepared to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.
He didn’t. He didn’t do anything. I know now as an adult that if he had, it wouldn’t have been my fault, and I wouldn’t have had anything to feel guilty about, but the point is that he didn’t. He was lying. To manipulate me into staying with him. I was young and I didn’t realize it at the time, but I guess I called his bluff.
People who threaten to kill or hurt themselves if you leave almost never mean it, it’s just a manipulation to prevent you from leaving. And if they do go through with it, that’s their choice that they’ve made for themselves, you had nothing do with it and it isn’t your fault. You don’t owe them anything. But if you’re concerned for her safety and that’s what’s stopping you, here’s what I think you should do, what I wish I had thought to do at the time:
Tell your parents. You say your dad would die for your girlfriend, but I can almost guarantee he loves you more & he’ll take your side. You’re not going to lose your family over a 9 month high school relationship. I KNOW it feels like the end of the world right now, but I can almost guarantee it’s going to be okay. Tell your dad that you want to break up with her, tell him about the threats she has made. He can get in touch with her parents and they can break the news while keeping her (and you!) safe.
Break up with her and if she threatens to kill herself again, call the cops for a wellness check on her. Either she will be exposed as a manipulator and feel embarrassed (which is the majority of situations like this) or she has underlying mental health issues and will get the help that she needs.
I (F) had an ex (M) who told me that if I broke up with him, he would have nothing to live for and that he might as well just be gone from this earth. We had dated for almost 6 years at that point (I was almost 25, he was 26). It was very difficult because even though I didn’t want to be with him, I still cared deeply for him. I went and saw a counselor, who told me that if he did something, it wasn’t my fault. I told her that my head rationally understood that, but my heart would still feel like I did this. We talked a lot about guilt and doing the right thing. Then she told me to break up with him in a place where he could be comforted by someone else (and where they could watch him) and so I did it outside at his dad’s house where he was currently living. It’s been 15 years since then and it still was possibly the hardest break up I have had to do. Give yourself a little grace, breaking up with someone can be very difficult, even if it’s the right decision. Good luck!
You don’t need her permission to break up with her. You just tell her it’s over. Tell her parents so they can keep an eye on her. And walk away.
Ohhh honey in the words of Sheryl Crow, “The first cut is the deepest”
Your first break up is always the hardest, not that they get all that much easier but definitely a bit.
I don’t think your being immature at all in fact this whole post surprised me by the maturity in which you express yourself and have deeply thought about the situation.
You sound like a good person and that you care for this girl but also understand the difference between caring for someone and being in love.
You should talk to your parents and let them know you aren’t happy anymore and plan to break up so you will have a support system irl that you can turn too after. Also this will help to keep you accountable to actually go through with it and if she threatens to hurt herself you need to tell them because that is not something you, a child (even though mature, still a child) can properly handle or navigate.
After you talk with your parents, sit her down, preferably on a Friday so you will have two days of not having to see eachother, and tell her in no uncertain terms, clear as day, you do not want to be in the relationship anymore and while you will always care about her you are not in love with her and that it is over. Then leave, do not spend hours having a discussion about it, you can give her the space to respond but do not spend more then 30/45 minuets max with her. Have a plan for after so you have an excuse to leave. If she calls you crying, tell her not to do so again or you will be forced to block her, if she does it again, block at least for now while it all settles.
Your doing the right thing by both of you because she deserves someone who loves her and wants to be with her and you deserve to be with someone you love and want to be with. The right thing is rarely the easier thing so hats off to you for being so brave and good luck, your gonna be just fine and we’re all routing for you!
Come back with an update if it gets crazy we will be here!
Look you are not responsible for how she handles it and threatening to hurt her self is an abuse tactic. She is manipulative and turning really toxic and controlling with the accusations of cheating. She’s heading for a dark place.
Let her family know what she has been doing, that she needs support through this and sounds like she needs therapy to work through this toxic path so she can have healthy relationships moving forward as this is not okay.
Then talk to her in a public place with a friend or family member nearby for you (and possibly her so that she doesn’t try anything silly) and break it off let her know that the way she’s been handling is not okay, and that you will be blocking and removing her from socials till you both heal.
This boils down to just two people: You and your GF. Everyone else is secondary.
Talk to your parents, show them this post if it’s easier than explaining out loud. Say you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore but you’re scared she’ll hurt herself. Tell them you’re sure and you’ve already tried twice. They will help you, can give you advice specific to your situation, and can get in touch with her parents to make a safety plan. You can do this, and I’m sorry she’s made your first breakup so difficult. You can do this, and remember your parents love you first ❤️
Just tell her how you feel and tell her parents about her mental health
It’s hard breaking up with someone no matter how old you are. The first time is the hardest but it seems like you have so, so, so many reasons that you are done with this relationship.
I want you to remember this when you have the talk with her: you don’t need her permission or approval to break up. It only takes one person to determine this. Whatever she does or doesn’t threaten is 100% not on you. Her wellbeing is not your responsibility. Be willing to truly cut ties for some time. Don’t keep talking to her. Don’t give her false hope of getting back together. Be direct, firm and quick, “I am breaking up with you.”
You do not have to give her a reason either. Your parents are not the ones dating her, being manipulated, being accused of cheating: they are adults and they will adapt to change. This is all about you and what you need.
While it is not the method I would recommend, back when I was in high school I had a boyfriend who made it very hard to break up with him. I did it over instant messenger (a computer chat program). I save the conversation incase he tried to say it never happened. Then I blocked him. Afterwards I publicly announced I was single (though this is optional) just to make sure the word got out that it was done.
When being with someone finally becomes harder than going through with the break up is when you will find your courage. But you shouldn’t wait until you are at that point to break up with someone.
Good luck. Better love is ahead for you, I promise. Be brave now.
You need to persist. If she threatens to hurt herself when you stand your ground, tell her this concerns you and that you’re going to call her parents or an ambulance. If she really needs the help, she has the relevant support. If she’s using it as a manipulation tactic so you stay with her, she’s going to snap out of it quite quickly. Unfortunately, there’s no good way to dump someone. It’s unpleasant on both sides, and there’s almost always one person involved who is blindsided by it. No one ever wants to be dumped, and no one wants to be the one to dump someone. But people do it because you can’t ignore your feelings and put your life on hold for someone else’s needs. Your parents should not be this invested in your relationship – it’s great they’ve been so supportive of your relationship thus far, but your relationships are your choice. They should hear you out and support your decision. This is puppy love, they’d be more surprised if you both lasted!
Her threatening to harm herself is Manipulative.
You are not responsible for her actions.
You do it this way:
“You deserve someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. I’m not that person. I want to be single, so I’m breaking up with you so you can find that special person.. I’m 15 years old and I just want to do my own thing, so that’s what I’m going to do. I know you will find someone.”
Do NOT include ‘let’s just be friends’ or that maybe in the future you can be together. That is leading her on.
Make a clean break. Break up all the way.
If she threatens to harm herself, contact her parents IMMEDIATELY and also tell your parents.
Leave a trail… like text message… of you breaking up with her so she can’t claim anything bad. You will have ‘receipts’.
Do it in a text.
I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
It’s over.
I know you will find someone who will want to be in a relationship with you.
I’m 15 and just want to be single.
I wish you well.
(Then hit SEND)
She will probably beg you to change your mind.
If she goes around telling people that you cheated, remind them that she begged you to change your mind and stay together and you have receipts. Why would she want you back that if she is convinced you were cheating?!
Have you discussed slowing things down and taking more time with her? You are both so young and have so many new things to experience. It can become overwhelming and the sometimes it is okay to slow down, back away and gain some perspective. If you do you may see things in a different light and make a decision based on the overall situation and also to see what you like about this relationship. You now know some of the things you want in a relationship, but you really need to fully understand the reasons you want this relationship to end. You can end a relationship for any reason, just try to be fair and considerate in how you do it.
If you still want to break up, tell your father how you feel and why you feel that way. If you still feel that way after talking with him, he can best advise you on how to proceed based on his knowledge of the two families. He can even discuss it with your GF family beforehand to make sure she does not hurt herself.
I also advise that if you do break up with her to focus on school and sports and leave all girls alone for a while. You need more time to mature and develop a better approach to dating before you try again. Good Luck!
By text.
Some will call me names, but let’s face it. It is entirely easy.