Date two, I (36m) was told by her (32f) that she felt ‘uncertain vibes’ about us as we walked back to our cars. I said, ok may I ask what that means or feels like? Like we’re still at least into each other at a base level right? And she said, well… About that! (EDIT: She added literally that no she did not feel any attraction for me) At that point, I just cut it off (EDIT: said we prolly shouldn’t go out anymore then) and told her good night. (EDIT: and asked her to drive safe, etc.)
That said, we had talked about taking things ‘slow’ previously. And we texted for weeks before ever going out so I feel oddly invested. Maybe too invested?
It’s been a couple days and looking back to that ending interaction, I remember she seemed surprised in terms of body language, facial expression and tone when I decided I was done. Like she expected me to still wanna hang out? I feel partially like I wasted a lot of time and energy and I’m beating myself up since she was cute and smart and we have similar wants from a relationship and maybe by slow, she meant she thought her attraction could be built up from repeated engagements with me even if it’s at 0 now? Did I blow a potentially good thing by not engaging around a Date 3?
For more context, I feel pretty confident her not feeling anything for me is mostly my fault. I have diagnosed anxiety; sometimes I have it under control and I feel assured. These last two dates the anxiety won hands down. I was shaking and couldn’t stop (only could have it not be too big a tremble) for example. It’s the worst anxious shake I’ve had in years.
Now I feel guilt, shame, and frustration cause this is close to the 100th time in 3 yrs this sort of result has happened on a date. And I go to therapy, work out, eat healthy, and take mental health medication. I journal and venture out to make friends and work on personal projects like a video game I’m designing around mental health issues, plus personal development like going back to school.
Additional context, my longest relationship ex told me she never was attracted to me and was only with me to prove she wasn’t a racist (Me-Blk, ex- not-Blk lol) and I know for sure that’s messing with my head too.
\*\*But, and this part is important: *I have a very long history since that long-term ex from before, of chasing after women who do not like me or show no attraction for me. It’s led to a lot of pain and I have resolved to stop chasing so much and have at least the self-respect to seek out people who actually want me too.*
So I guess the main thing I’m trying to think through is, **should I have just rode it out and seen if attraction could’ve been built over time and that she was expecting me to just let it ride while we hung out and naturally we’d just be finally showing affection for each other on date 3, 4, or 5?**
**Or was I right to let this one go bc I needed to look for people that showed affection, attraction to me from jump? Is that even a reasonable expectation for me to have, if I should have any expectations like this at all?**
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EDIT: I omitted the literal words when she did tell me she had no attraction for me. After the “About that” part. I think that might be a cultural thing I assumed, sorry about that. I can edit it to be more clear.
EDIT 2: When I “cut it off” that was me saying we shouldn’t go out anymore, which I regret saying.
27 comments
Either you omitted a lot of this story, or you made all of the problems you had with this new woman up.
Maybe she wasn’t attracted to you. You didn’t give her the opportunity to tell you. Maybe she felt uncomfortable with your anxiety level. You didn’t give her the opportunity to tell you. Maybe you did spend to long texting and developed too strong of feelings for someone you don’t know. That one you can answer.
I am sorry your anxiety is so strong, and I really hope you find ways to mitigate it for yourself. It sounds like you were treated unfairly by some past partners, and that makes moving forward in dating (especially with anxiety) harder. You’ll meet better people, but you need to give both of you guys the chance.
You do you. I’m not going to shit on someone for following their instincts. In the first date or two there is very little you should “ride out”. If you want someone who shows physical affection or interest quickly, look for that person.
But when my instincts do anger and self-blame and catastrophizing shit like that that inside my own head, based on next to nothing, I take my extremely anxiety prone ass back to therapy.
> cause this is close to the 100th time in 3 yrs this sort of result has happened on a date.
I know you said you go to therapy so I’m not sure what additional steps you can take, but until you get on top of this I’m not sure dating is the best idea for you right now. It can be really rough on our mental state in the best of times, and you clearly aren’t there right now. So I’d recommend taking a break and figuring all this out with your therapist.
> And we texted for weeks before ever going out so I feel oddly invested. Maybe too invested?
Need more context, but yeah probably too invested. This may tie in with all the anxiety you have where you look at each date as “this *must* work out and I shall marry her” instead of “she seems cool, let’s see how we click and go from there”. So then you work yourself up and get nervous before/during each date, she notices it, you notice her noticing you, and it snowballs. Rinse and repeat. Relax a bit, if a particular date doesn’t work out no big deal, you seem to have no issues finding dates! Though I still think you should pause, see my first paragraph.
>And she said, well… About that! At that point, I just cut it off and told her good night.
>It’s been a couple days and looking back to that ending interaction, I remember she seemed surprised
It sounds like you ended the in-person conversation quite abruptly, so she was a little taken aback. It’s your right to end it there and then of course, and I agree it didn’t sound like a promising situation, but just saying, you basically “kthxbai’ed” her when it seems like she had more things to say, so her surprise isn’t out of place.
I’d say just let it go as much as you can, you did that because it felt right at the time. Usually I follow my instincts (and it sounds like you just did that too), because when I did not follow them previously, and tried to push something I wasn’t sure about, it always ended worse than it ended for you now.
For some of us it takes a longer time to find a long term partner we can really click with, but thats totally fine. And hey, you said you had like a 100 dates in 3 years man? Thats a lot more than most of the dudes get, so you’re in the right track. I’m sure you’ll find your perfect match, it just takes some time.
>I said, ok may I ask what that means or feels like? Like we’re still at least into each other at a base level right? And she said, well… About that! At that point, I just cut it off and told her good night.
A) you cut her off before she had a chance to say what she wanted to say, which is rude, and strange (given you’d just asked the question about it!)
B) that’s a big pressuring/ leading question to ask, especially on date 2. Like, she might not be into you on a base level.. and that would be fine too! Not everything works out. Puts her in a shit position to have to defend not being there yet. And, she might not be into you yet, but she might still be open to exploring it (which seems decently possible, given you’ve said your anxiety got in the way, so you weren’t at best, so she might see potential). So not being into each other on a base level isn’t a death knell anyway.
And C) you just exited before she had a chance to tell you whether she was exiting or not. When you didn’t really want to exit. I’m assuming you were trying to avoid the feeling of rejection.. which is understandable, but also, I hope you’ll see, possibly losing you options that might have existed.
Next time I would say: when she says she’s got a thing to say, shut up and listen. You can use minimal encouragers, like ‘oh, like what?’, or ‘can you tell me more about that?’. But try hold back from putting your fears into her piece, at least out loud. You can deal with your feelings later, just stop talking and let her say what she’s actually saying, rather than preempt it.
Have you ever tried beta blockers? Obviously check with your doctor, but they can be used before an event like a date or public speaking to help with the physical effects of anxiety — shaking, racing heart, etc…
did she say she wasn’t attracted? I really can’t tell from the story.
>And she said, well… About that! At that point, I just cut it off and told her good night.
>
>I remember she seemed surprised
Yeah, I’d be surprised too if you were just randomly rude in the middle of me trying to answer a question that you asked.
You don’t have to chase anyone – but you also don’t have to act like that just because you’re frustrated at what’s going on with your life.
Don’t text someone a ton before a date. Chat to see if there’s mutual interest, make a date, and wait until the date to get invested. I don’t think it was your anxiety leading, I think it was your intuition. You sensed her hesitancy, and yes, you deserve better than someone who is hesitant about you. And I’m so sorry about what that asshat of an ex said – no one deserves that.
You made the right decision bro. Don’t stick around and wait for her attraction to build up. When we meets you initially, it’s the highest level of attraction (or it should be). It only dies from there.
She’s mentally deciding whether she sees you as something more than being friends. If she can’t come to a decision and wants to take it slow, cut her off. Period.
Being in our 30s, we don’t have time to waste with our careers and things we are pursuing. You made the right decision.
Yes.
2 cents from an F: almost all my LTRs have been with people in my life that I developed feelings for over a long period of time. Now with OLD it takes me at LEAST 3 dates and sometimes two make out sessions to see if there is chemistry. Has nothing to do with my dates, I’m slow to warm up.
Well if you really ended it that abruptly mid conversation then that might be a bit rude
But if in your heart you know she wasn’t attracted along with her answer of “well..about that” then yes you were right to not continue.
Maybe listen to her full answer next time.
It sounds like you cut her off and ended the conversation before she got her thought out and then filled in the gaps yourself based partly on past experiences, insecurity, and anxiety. I think we can all relate, but next time let the person express their thoughts.
You could send her an apology text if you think it’s appropriate or just move on. No benefit to second guessing your actions, you don’t know what exactly she was going to say so it may have played out similarly to this regardless. Instead I’d focus on what you can learn from this and apply those lessons to your dating life going forward. I’d recommend taking some time to regroup. We all need to take breaks from this crazy modern dating world to preserve our mental health. This may be your signal that it’s time for a breather.
You’re seeing yourself as less than and the person you’re dating as more than. In that case, your sense of self will always be in flux when you date and you’ll be very anxious. You need to see it as different wavelengths. It sounds like you’d like someone who shows attraction from the start. There will be someone out there who does that. There is no right or wrong here. E.g. It’s okay to want to see a partner once a month (if both on same page) or everyday (if both on the same page).
This is why I will only engage with someone for a few days before meeting in person. I’ve also started a personal rule, where I have to FaceTime with the person before I meet. I am so damn tired of getting to know men, then meeting them and they blatantly lied about something very obvious. Then I have a hard time, because I like them, but they lied and I can’t get past the lie. Not saying this is your situation or that you lied. But I am suggesting FaceTiming ( or Skyping) with someone early on.
Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. It looks like I need to:
– Work on the anxiety and find a new strategy for it bc currently it’s not working.
– Probably take a dating break for a while
– Re-examine all the interactions we had, take more responsibility for things I did wrong or pressure I put on her needlessly, as well as view her objectively too, then forgive in time
– Trust my intuition more and find a stronger, independent sense of self, further resolve underlying trauma.
Seems like you made the right move. Work on yourself more and you’ll find someone who’s as invested as you are…you will!!
Do you tell your dates that you feel a bit anxious? Sometimes just getting that out can help calm things or let you know how someone might respond to that since you may continue to deal with anxiety at times. I can completely relate as well, and very sorry you’re struggling with anxiety. I realize working on taming the anxiety is good but don’t be too hard on yourself. I think those of us with anxiety can get stuck with thinking we constantly need to improve ourselves to be worthy and that can lead to more anxiety in my opinion. Sounds like you’re doing great and taking care of yourself.
You did the right thing. Cut her loose.
Now focus on your ANX. Get that shit under control. Because a dude trembling from anxiety is not sexy. Been there done that.
Dude you’re so overthinking it. She said she wasn’t attracted, that’s the end of the story, you go your separate ways. If she was weirded out by the way in which you said “let’s go separate ways” idk maybe you said it in a weird tone but it doesn’t matter, she’s not attracted so that’s it.
In my early dating, I was pretty anxious around women I was attracted to, which was counterproductive. Confidence is attractive, and lack of confidence is unattractive. My best advice is to fake it till you make it, get over the hump, and then you’ll be in a better position for dating. Your prime is still to come.
You did the right thing. She wanted you to stick around for what?
You can break up with or stop seeing anybody for any reason you want at any time you want.
There’s no magical crystal ball that tells you what would have happened if you hadn’t stopped seeing her. Maybe it would have been an amazing lifetime relationship, maybe it would have been a dumpster fire, or anything in between.
You need to re-evaluate how you are treating your anxiety. It sounds like you’re putting in a lot of effort but your anxiety is still significantly affecting your life. I think you need to discuss your symptoms with your drs so they can help you work on a new treatment plan.
Seems like you didn’t give her a chance to explain.
She might have said, “I feel no attraction but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s what we’re doing on our dates or the time we go on dates.” I know for myself that if I’m stressed and or tired and go on a date, my capacity to bond is stunted.
It was just the second date. I would’ve asked for more clarification, and gone on a third of fourth and no more after that if it’s still the same response from her.
Not saying she should be in love with you after 2-3 dates. Insanity. Just that some level of physical and mental attraction should be forming between you two. Be it sparks or slow burns.