Husband and I have been together 10 years. When we met early on in college, we pretty much spent all our time together and didn’t make many other friends or connections. Over time we got married, moved to another place, and now I’m dealing with loneliness in our marriage. Over the pandemic my husband got back in touch with high school friends and now they game together online several times a week. This is his friend group and he is satisfied by this. Meanwhile, I have struggled to make friends. I don’t have many old friends to talk to, and I’ve tried all the apps and clubs and stuff to make new ones, with little success. By choice my husband and I spend way less time together as we don’t have many common hobbies. During the week we have meals together but that’s about it. We do spend time on weekends. This leaves me with days on my own with my own hobbies. Most of the time I don’t mind but it does get lonely.
This has lead me to constantly keeping TV and YouTube on so it feels like there are people around me. I find myself avoiding content that features friend groups since I just feel an intense jealousy. We live in a suburb and I always thought I’d be able to make friends once we have kids, but it’s becoming increasingly likely that it won’t happen for us anytime soon.
I don’t want to take out my loneliness on my husband, but I do find myself jealous of him being able to hang out with people whenever he wants. What do I do?
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**tl;dr**: husband has lots of friends, wife does not
6 comments
Whatever you do, don’t take it out on your husband.
sorry to hear that you’re feeling so isolated and lonely. It’s a challenge when it feels like we’ve missed the boat on making friends. Before getting too frustrated, have you tried joining hobby-specific or activity specific groups/forums? Sometimes your husband can introduce new people by inviting them out with him – maybe they would welcome an extra person! You may find someone else in your area going through the same things as you, having kids or not.
I think you should maybe try clubs of some sort. Maybe some painting, sculpture, yoga, book clubs, whatever thing that catches your eye. Maybe even try to learn a new language. This classes should not be online tho, it’s really hard to make real friends that way sometimes. Try to look for stuff that really interest you.
And try to make the first step once you are in the club/class!
Say, “Hi, I’m OP, what’s your name”, and try to talk about the activity and ask why they are in the club/activity.
It may be hard, but try to get yourself out there.
You can do it OP!
You can find friends and do new things this way!
Good luck, you can do it.
And about how you feel about your husband and his friend, if you feel that the feelings are getting overbearing, maybe share them with him! Don’t blame him tho, just share them, sometimes to be able to talk about how you feel makes you process stuff better.
🦈❤️ Good luck, and don’t feel bad. We all go through stuff like that, you will find wonderful friends!!
Agree with all the advice on how to make friends. But it sounds like you and your husband are more roommates than best friends. You have a meal together in the evening then go your separate ways? Have you tried cultivating some new hobbies together and making mutual friends? What do you do together on weekends? Having friends outside your marriage is great for both of you, but your post reads as if you and your husband aren’t connecting. Living parallel lives is not going to work in the long run.
I don’t understand the “we don’t hang out because we don’t share hobbies” comment.
My wife and I are similar but I still don’t get it. At some point the activity doesn’t matter it’s the time together.
Ill do anything with my wife, but she won’t go to the shooting range with me anymore, she won’t camp or hike, she doesn’t like going to the gym anymore. Name the hobby, I have plenty, and its not hers so she wont come.
Hang out with him. Do his thing, and Invite him to do yours.
I will purse, dress shop, eat at some healthy cafe, go to a sappy movie, pick her favorite restaurant because it’s hers.
All because I want to be with her.
I’m 32F, it can definitely be hard to meet people around this age in the suburbs!
Are you working, and if so is it only remotely? It helped me start meeting more people once we got into the office again – I have a couple work friends who became real friends. A lot of my coworkers are men whose SOs have been stuck relocating here also, so I often try to make friends with their girlfriends / wives if I get the chance to meet them, which is where probably 90% of my friends came from. Also a couple neighbors and SOs of my husbands friends. I’m taking a language class and made a good friend that way.
One thing that’s tough for me is that I’m a little naturally quieter and need to meet people more like 5-6 times before I really feel comfortable with them. If you talk to someone and it doesn’t really stick, sometimes you have to keep talking to them on multiple occasions before it develops into anything or you know whether you like them or not.
I tried bumble bff and it didn’t work for me at all – there’s not enough commitment to keep meeting someone you don’t know at all yet. You need another reason to be there seeing that person until you can actually get to know the person. That’s why people always suggest clubs etc. I work a lot and don’t have a lot of club-like hobbies so this can be tricky for me too.
I’ve made two big moves, and both times it also took me 3-4 years after moving to build up enough friends that I feel like I have a group I’m really happy with.
Also, I agree with someone else that your home life sounds a little lonely. My husband and I do separate things sometimes but we often take a walk together on weeknights or watch a movie together etc.