I’ve been warned off in the past getting into dynamics with someone with BPD but I met someone who I really gelled with and feel like everyone is deserving of people who care. Very recently things got strained as they came to stay over at my house whilst migrating to the south UK, and under the intensity of having no personal space things took a turn. I also think it’s in large part due to the transition of them starting a new job, getting a new house, and not having their own space in between.
They left on Friday and sent me a really short message yesterday as to the fact they were going to block me. I hadn’t respected their boundaries, that being space, and made me responsible for feeling under duress during their stay. I tried so hard to facilitate them, always making sure they had food in, and prioritised their sleeping arrangements with my taking the sofa and them getting the bed.
When I worked I saw it as an opportunity for natural space, but they came and visited, had coffee across the way from my work and was there to meet me afterwards. I needed space too but I was being forgiving of the circumstances. Anyway, the logic behind her behaviour is very inconsiderate of the circumstances, and the efforts I’ve made, I’ve put so much encouragement and support into helping them make the transition, and with things being concluded in this way I feel completely unappreciated and emotionally battered.
She told me about splitting during her stay, but she’s also intelligent enough to be self-aware however I have seen her cut people off in the past who are genuinely caring and level headed people. This is the second time she’s had a meltdown since I’ve known her which has culminated in self-victimisation and a loose grip on reality. The first time she cut me off and told people I didn’t understand consent and how it can be applied and taken back at any notice, this was in response to a situation where she had asked me to sleep with her, and I had said no, following which I had asked her to respect boundaries of the friendship as I clearly liked her, but she was flirting just for the sex. After that lots of people told me to keep my distance, but I’ve never appreciated someone so deeply in my life. I forgave her the first time, but I’m wondering if she comes around this time what I would do.
TL:DR – Not to sound callous, but is it worth trying to maintain relations with BPD’ers? Does anyone else have any experience with BPD?? I love this person so unconditionally as an individual, and it has been the richest connection I’ve had in adulthood, but I’m not even sure we’ll ever speak again and now I have to deal with the loss of someone I have loved in the most appreciative way possible, who has completely alienated themselves against me.
3 comments
You could check out r/BPDpartners .
I couldn’t do it. My experience with a bpd partner broke me. But that might not be true for you.
It is more than okay to take a step back to evaluate the situation and take care of yourself. It is not your responsibility to look after her mental health. If your friend is actively getting therapy and working on the behaviors, yes be supportive. If she is not getting the help she needs and engaging in manic behavior, this will affect your own mental health and being isolated with her longterm.
I don’t think your friends are alienating you, I think the concerns they have are justified and they want you to have healthy boundaries with her and not neglect your own needs. I wish you all the best!
BPD is a nightmare to be on the bad receiving end of. She needs like 10 years of BPD-customized treatment to get stable. A good samaritan, be it friend or lover or otherwise will just get destroyed, you become the prime target and it is cruel as hell. You cannot help her through it, she needs dedicated, educated, professional treatment.